21 Solid Gold Excuses for Cheating
I recently got caught cheating. It was cheating on a guy who lives in America. He’s great, cute and I speak to him everyday. The problem is he lives 8,000 miles away. It’s kinda shit, but also pretty good for me, I just can’t have a guy in my face 24-7. I never have and I never will, so it could also be looked upon as ideal.
So I got caught because American guy reads my blog. Hi American guy! I write away at these blogs and think nothing about people actually reading them. I especially don’t think about guys reading them, but it just goes to show they stalk as much as girls I suppose.
Anyway, so he read about my little escapade with someone from last week in Spain, and well it didn’t go down too well.
Trouble is, perhaps my sociopathical tendencies must be waining, as I felt guilt. I’ve never felt guilt at being a cheat before, but now I do.
My American boy was most upset with my behaviour.
My friend Ant said to me: “Are you going to tell American boy you’re going to Spain?”
My reply was “Nah he can read it in the blog like everyone else.”
Trouble is, I was showing off, I didn’t mean that. I thought to myself yeah I guess I better drop it into the convo, but then I just didn’t quite have the time. So it turns out he did read it on the blog like everyone else.
My blog is somewhat of a diary, and it’s always a few days out. I should probably have got to him first, but I didn’t. To be honest I wasn’t caught cheating per se. He lives in America (yes and I’m sure he’s being the perfect, faithful gentleman over there in Miami – ed). What do you expect with the distance? (More – ed).
Note to self: Don’t blog about the next personal encounter.
But it did give the inspiration for me to write some excuses you can use if your partner is ugly and you want to cheat with someone better.
21 Solid Gold Excuses For Cheating
1. You could try Shaggy’s “It wasn’t me” but let’s be honest if you take advice from Shaggy/listen to Shaggy you probably don’t have a partner to cheat on in the first place.
2. “Who are you? Where am I? Who am I? Is this heaven?” You’ll have to keep up this act for a whole week to 16 days, and then have a doctor friend diagnose you as “temporarily amnesic”
3. “Aliens abducted me and told me to do it otherwise they would kidnap Obama. I saved the President and you’re giving me shit?”
4. “I had a lobotomy, I’m back now tho. My new brain was very stupid.”
5. “He tripped and fell into my ‘special area’. There was no ‘Keep Off The Grass’ sign, what could I do?”
6. “Britney made me do it.”
7. “It was with God. You know like with Mary?” Shit man, it worked for her.
8. “I thought it was you? Wtf is going on here?”
9. “I was drunk” won’t work, but saying a chef stitched you up with a rare hallucinating mushroom in your truffle starter will work very well.
10. “I wanted to test your love for me. I see now from your reaction that it’s the real thing. Marry me?” (You’ll need a platinum ring ready in your pocket and prepared to fck up the rest of your life if you use this one).
11. “My spirit animal made me do it.”
12. “He fell, it slipped in and I think it’s rude not to let someone finish what they’ve started.”
13. “We were playing pin the tail on the donkey. But it was this weird version. I was just following the rules of the game, I won’t be playing again.”
14. “I didn’t do it it. I didn’t not do it I just didn’t ‘do’ it, my body was taken over be a Harlot ghost.”
15. “You wore flip flops last week. What did you expect me to do? You gave me no choice.”
16. “Nothing happened, really”
('Nothing happened really'. The three least comforting words in the English language.) pic.twitter.com/FdKrlxAnJZ
— Peep Show Quotes (@PeepShowQOTD) January 30, 2014
17. “No silly that was my twin. She was back from Indonesia for 24 hours just to say goodbye as she’s now going to live a life free of all westernisation.” (will need good Photoshop skills for this one for “us as twins in the bath age 2” etc etc…)
18. “It’s just two bits of skin. What did I actually do?”
19. “He bet me he had a bigger d**k than you. I HAD to defend your honour.”
20. “It was an under cover FBI mission. I’m actually a spy.”
21. “It’s everyone else’s fault except mine!”