All the boys are girls

My Life | September 1, 2017 | By

Although I knew Camden guy was likely to be a bit mad, I wasn’t fckin ready for this. I have reached a conclusion: all the boys are girls.

I mean I’ve been thinking this way for a while, but it’s been fully confirmed now. It seems guys can’t just hang out with someone and be chill about it. No, they have to talk about feelings and shit. I swear guys are going to start having periods soon in a new sprung twist of human evolution. I look forward to it. I hope then they will see how crappy it is for us.

All of the boys are girls, and we will come back to this, but first, let me tell you about the Camden crazy.

Last time we hung out and he was babysitting a cat, and then he was all weird and ignoring me and shit. I had to pretend I cared about the cat to get him to speak to me, and I really didn’t since cats are assholes. So I was like “Camden dude you gonna make me quadruple drop?” Remember the rules: you are allowed to over-text someone you really don’t give a fck about. So I did. He replied with what I can only describe as the footnotes from one of Taylor Swift’s albums…

I read it in disbelief. In my whole life I had never ever heard a guy talk like that, let alone drop such shit in black and white. It basically read as this:

(Side note: not original text, it has been reworked and remastered)

“Hey. Look, I was angry masturbating to Marilyn Manson videos and that’s why I didn’t reply. Basically, I’ve got these feelings and they spilled all out over my bedroom floor. It’s like a wash of broken dreams and I’m here wading through them alone and I’m feeling really cutty right now. LostItGirl, why doesn’t my ex love me? Why has she left me feeling this way? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything. She left me like the cat did. Why does everything leave me? I can’t hang out with you and be fun and pretend life is fine. Because it’s not. I have this feeling my head is drowning under water and I’m staring at my reflection and wondering: will someone shed a little light on to my life? And because of that I can’t really see you right now because I don’t want you to hate me like the world does. Your embrace stirs up the embrace of my ex who left me and I’m just not dealing. I can’t deal.”

This was some shit I’m just not equipped for. I can’t be around people like that; over emotional, unstable people bring out my alter ego: LostShitShowGirl, and it’s not pretty for anyone, although she is fckin way skinnier than me, which is chic. She literally starves herself and goes on full on hunger strike, but that’s the only good part about her.

I really can’t take the burden of feelings like that, so upon reading the text it became evident I needed to retreat with immediate effect as it would only bring out the psycho in me.

As I didn’t want me ignoring him to be the cause of him like kicking a cat or some shit, I couldn’t ignore him. So I sent him:

“Thanks for your honesty and I wish you all the best xx”

(I put kisses so he knew I wasn’t mad, because I wasn’t mad; I was only sad. Sad for him)

And then I got this:

“Don’t say I wish you all the best, that’s far too serious”

SRSLY

SORRY, WHAT? Wait, WHAT? You just sent me the inner workings of a 13-year old goth girl and you’re telling me I’m being fckin serious? Is he for real? Stupid prick. Then he sent a load of other shit about being chill which wound me up before ending it with:

“I just wanna have fun like girls do…”

This is not someone that has mastered the art of cool/chill. But he had mastered the art of growing a phantom vagina. I really truly believe that all the guys are girls.

Here’s my evidence:

Guys have started talking like Taylor Swift.

Guys keep crying around me about non-cry stuff.

I’ve met a vegetarian guy.

One guy had a manicure, which was chic, but accepted the clear nail varnish option.

Guys are eating quinoa.

I’ve recently been asked: “how do you feel?”

I can swap clothes with 80% of the guys I know.

Guys are watching girl shows, instead of playing FIFA.

Guys are getting so jealous and saying things like “who was that guy in your snap story?”

Where the fck are all the manly men? I’ll let you know if I find one, because I can’t handle these girly guys. It’s a drain on my resources, like my tampons for instance, and tampons aren’t free…

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