Oh, please fck off… Why don’t you tell me the names of yours and I’ll tell you how much I’m pretending to care?

Why are you asking me this? You obviously have the internet or else you wouldn’t be able to come on here and ask me a question. Honestly this is like going on twitter and asking:

“The clocks have gone back what time is it?” 

“Can you get green tea at Starbucks?” 

“Hey I’m off to Dubai, any recommendations?”

All boring shit you can Google. Because if you can Tweet, you can Google. Basically you’re just trying to get someone’s attention. So now you’ve got mine, what is it you really want to know???

LostItGirl thanks you for your concern and your time reading. A couple of minutes reading one of our blogs must be some kind of visitor record.

We are a team of six, but you’re right we probably all definitely do need help. Please share with any therapists you think our gif-laden mock-diary blogs could be of interest to.

As for the advice – it’s all very much tongue in cheek, but you knew that really…

Much love

LostItGirl

XO

Who’s your friend? Have them ask me themselves.

You’re a sad sack and you’ll never get laid. Sure, chicks like dogs and everyone likes animals in human clothes, but it wasn’t mentioned because I’ve never seen it. Probably since I don’t talk to virgins. XO

Wear whatever you want in your life. Don’t let me or anyone else tell you otherwise. Society has a fixation on the appearance of people, when it’s really what comes out of one’s mouth that counts for most. Having said that, whatever you do decide to wear, pair it with crocs mate. ?

I’m going to interpret the “unauthorised” part of this as “unprotected”.

He’s an alcoholic, he’s definitely not rich. A tankard with his name on it in a bar means he’s a hardcore drinker who probably has a major germ phobia/or he is proud of being the first in and last out of this “pub”; and that’s why he has to use the same cup.

We all fck mistakes and psychos from time to time so don’t beat yourself up about it. You should go back to the bar – if you want to fck a guy who takes his own tumbler to a bar.

If not, just drink enough elsewhere so you can forget it even happened; it’s the easiest way to unfuck someone. Make like him and drink enough to forget about all the shit things you ever did in your life. I did some maths and it turns out he’s 64, which is bad timing as if it was a year later, you could’ve stolen his bus pass. That’s something worth thinking about.

Well, you don’t tell her your real age you total doofus. You lie. Nobody tells the truth about anything in the beginning.

Do you think that when I meet a guy I tell them I’ve got more issues than Vogue? Do you think I tell them about my blog and my love of prescription drugs? Anyway, whatever you’ve told her, you’re old af now so you have very little to lose. Just ask her out I guess, hide your CD collection, tell her you’re rich and hope she’s into geriatrics.

Good luck with that.

The question is, have you?

Girl obsessions? What like snap bands and Hannah Montana virtual games? How the fck should I know? Here at LostItGirl, we are obsessed with Rihanna make up, Celine Dion, a lot of music I don’t have time to mention, the current Gucci range, and Britney Spears. What about you? What are you obsessed with, apart from me???

It’s a good question, but the answer is not straightforward at all. You see, the common misconception is that it is women who are more ill than men, and while there are certainly some very poorly young girls out there, the majority of them have at least identified that things aren’t great with them.

They will be aware that they sabotage, scare off, or are just plain nasty to people that they really like and who are probably great for them. They will also, more often than not, blame this on the behaviour of an ex.
It’s pop-psychology at best and suggests huge naivety and in part a touch of sexism in thinking that each man can be sweepingly generalised as someone who could hurt them. And so instead of the man hurting them, they hurt the man. And themselves, of course. For no quantifiable reason. This behaviour is ill, but it is at least consciously ill, if a little misguided.

Men on the other hand, they’ve never identified a thing. I’ve dated plenty of unwell men. One’s who demonstrate behaviour so far off what anyone could label as anything approaching sanity, that really there are no words to describe it. And the most unwell aspect of it all is their failure to recognise the way they are.

And there you have it. Men and women are equally poorly, but it’s just that the women have more awareness about their behavioural difficulties, whereas men see nothing wrong with the way they are. I’m terrified by how general this is, but it’s actually quite similar in terms of physical medical problems. A man will usually not go to the doctor, or will turn a blind eye to a problem through embarrassment, whereas a woman will self-diagnose, tell all her friends, fuck shit up because she reads loads of online medical journals, then go to the doctor’s and find out she has a cold.

But hey, at least women go, and that’s the first step towards getting better.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

It would appear I’m in a calm moment right now, but that usually means a veritable hurricane of shit is just around the corner. I’m sure if I take a moment to look up from my Snapchat at some point I’ll get a few new experiences to share. But I wouldn’t expect that to happen anytime soon…

I haven’t seen Ramsey Street in quite some time. Have you not seen my latest rotation? He didn’t quite make the grade.

I saw Ramsey Street about three or four weeks ago. Funnily enough, he turned up, serviced me, then asked to borrow my headphones which I was never to see again.

Hi Saucy Jack, 

So this guy has piqued my interest recently, although his actual smell doesn’t entice me at all, because he kinda smells like wood. Like a sturdy old Oak. Anyway, that’s fine because his cologne freakin turns me on. I asked what it was and it’s by Issey Miyake. I Googled it for you, and it’s cheap as fck. It’s basically free.

So this should see you right in your quest to be more desirable to other people with nostrils, but on the cheap. Failing that you could always wear a woman’s perfume. My brother did this for a while, he said it pulled in the chicks at quite a record speed. And I can see why. I would literally fall at a man’s feet if he walked past me smelling like Britney Spears Fantasy Midnight Edition. We’d have so much in common and instantly hit it off, and my prediction is we would end up married and shit. 

Byezies Saucey. 

I find this to be very needy. I have to sift through ten ton of shit to get to the ones that dignify a response, hence the late reply.

Of course I would have sex with Britney, but I wouldn’t film it. Ok, I would, but I wouldn’t leak it. Ok I would, I’m just a massive liar.

I’m not sure she was saying that she wants to be a lesbian, I think she was saying she wants a girl with a penis who can impregnate her. I’m off to do my damnedest to grow one so as to be able to accommodate that.