ASK ME

If you have a problem, a question or a comment, feel free to drop me a line. It’s totally anonymous. You know, I’d love to hear from you… I’ll always reply too.

 


You’re a bad person and you hurt the people who are closest to you. Your advice is toxic and displays deep-seated emotional and mental issues. A couple of minutes of reading this blog has made me worried. This is not meant to be hateful, I think you actually need help. 4. October 2017

LostItGirl thanks you for your concern and your time reading. A couple of minutes reading one of our blogs must be some kind of visitor record.

We are a team of six, but you’re right we probably all definitely do need help. Please share with any therapists you think our gif-laden mock-diary blogs could be of interest to.

As for the advice – it’s all very much tongue in cheek, but you knew that really…

Much love

LostItGirl

XO


Hi LIG. You know your Chanel wedding twinset, was this like £1000+ or is that a rip – off? Asking for a friend 26. September 2017

Who’s your friend? Have them ask me themselves.


I have a profile picture of my dog dressed up as a sunflower. This wasn’t covered off in the article. Any news on that one? 25. September 2017

You’re a sad sack and you’ll never get laid. Sure, chicks like dogs and everyone likes animals in human clothes, but it wasn’t mentioned because I’ve never seen it. Probably since I don’t talk to virgins. XO


Should I wear a disco ball to a Dubai brunch? 25. September 2017

Wear whatever you want in your life. Don’t let me or anyone else tell you otherwise. Society has a fixation on the appearance of people, when it’s really what comes out of one’s mouth that counts for most. Having said that, whatever you do decide to wear, pair it with crocs mate. 👍

 

 


I had unauthorised sex when drunk with a guy twice my age. Probably doesn’t sound bad, but I’m 32. He is a guy who drinks in my local pub and has his own tankard behind the bar. Should I never go into that bar again? Not too sure if he’s rich, he spends a lot of time in there so maybe he’s trading on the stock market on his phone? What shall I do? 25. September 2017

I’m going to interpret the “unauthorised” part of this as “unprotected”.

He’s an alcoholic, he’s definitely not rich. A tankard with his name on it in a bar means he’s a hardcore drinker who probably has a major germ phobia/or he is proud of being the first in and last out of this “pub”; and that’s why he has to use the same cup.

We all fck mistakes and psychos from time to time so don’t beat yourself up about it. You should go back to the bar – if you want to fck a guy who takes his own tumbler to a bar.

If not, just drink enough elsewhere so you can forget it even happened; it’s the easiest way to unfuck someone. Make like him and drink enough to forget about all the shit things you ever did in your life. I did some maths and it turns out he’s 64, which is bad timing as if it was a year later, you could’ve stolen his bus pass. That’s something worth thinking about.

 

 

 


Hello LIG i would love to have your advice on what i should do, i moved into my new home 4 months ago and i have become friendly with my next door neighbour and she is the most beautiful and kind woman, she is 26 and i am 46 do i stand any chance of a relationship with her, she was shocked by my age because she thought i was mid 30s, do you know what i can do? xx 25. September 2017

Well, you don’t tell her your real age you total doofus. You lie. Nobody tells the truth about anything in the beginning.

Do you think that when I meet a guy I tell them I’ve got more issues than Vogue? Do you think I tell them about my blog and my love of prescription drugs? Anyway, whatever you’ve told her, you’re old af now so you have very little to lose. Just ask her out I guess, hide your CD collection, tell her you’re rich and hope she’s into geriatrics.

Good luck with that.

 

 

 


have you ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship? 25. September 2017

The question is, have you?


what are the lastest girl obsessions 25. September 2017

Girl obsessions? What like snap bands and Hannah Montana virtual games? How the fck should I know? Here at LostItGirl, we are obsessed with Rihanna make up, Celine Dion, a lot of music I don’t have time to mention, the current Gucci range, and Britney Spears. What about you? What are you obsessed with, apart from me???


LIG, long time reader. Big fan. I’m a man, and my question to you is this: You always bang on about men being ill, in many of blogs. I guess you mean mentally. But who is more ill – women or men? 4. January 2017

It’s a good question, but the answer is not straightforward at all. You see, the common misconception is that it is women who are more ill than men, and while there are certainly some very poorly young girls out there, the majority of them have at least identified that things aren’t great with them.

They will be aware that they sabotage, scare off, or are just plain nasty to people that they really like and who are probably great for them. They will also, more often than not, blame this on the behaviour of an ex.
It’s pop-psychology at best and suggests huge naivety and in part a touch of sexism in thinking that each man can be sweepingly generalised as someone who could hurt them. And so instead of the man hurting them, they hurt the man. And themselves, of course. For no quantifiable reason. This behaviour is ill, but it is at least consciously ill, if a little misguided.

Men on the other hand, they’ve never identified a thing. I’ve dated plenty of unwell men. One’s who demonstrate behaviour so far off what anyone could label as anything approaching sanity, that really there are no words to describe it. And the most unwell aspect of it all is their failure to recognise the way they are.

And there you have it. Men and women are equally poorly, but it’s just that the women have more awareness about their behavioural difficulties, whereas men see nothing wrong with the way they are. I’m terrified by how general this is, but it’s actually quite similar in terms of physical medical problems. A man will usually not go to the doctor, or will turn a blind eye to a problem through embarrassment, whereas a woman will self-diagnose, tell all her friends, fuck shit up because she reads loads of online medical journals, then go to the doctor’s and find out she has a cold.

But hey, at least women go, and that’s the first step towards getting better.


LiG, it’s a well known fact that they’re two types of people in the world cat people and dog people. Winston Churchill (a cat person) famously said, “Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, only pigs see us as equals.” His arch nemesis Adolf Hitler a well known dog enthusiast had a German Shepherd called interestingly enough ‘Blondie’. Now regular Lost it Girl readers will know you side with Hitler on this one and are a dog person, but what I want to know is, what’s your beef with cats? Yours in admiration, Oscar de La Fontaine 13. December 2016

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.


Your stories seem to have toned down lately, please return to providing slutty stories, they were better than 50 shades 30. October 2016

It would appear I’m in a calm moment right now, but that usually means a veritable hurricane of shit is just around the corner. I’m sure if I take a moment to look up from my Snapchat at some point I’ll get a few new experiences to share. But I wouldn’t expect that to happen anytime soon…


Do you make Ramsey street do all the work? 27. September 2016

I haven’t seen Ramsey Street in quite some time. Have you not seen my latest rotation? He didn’t quite make the grade.


What have you given Ramsey street lately? 13. September 2016

I saw Ramsey Street about three or four weeks ago. Funnily enough, he turned up, serviced me, then asked to borrow my headphones which I was never to see again.


LiG, I need to buy a Gentleman’s Aftershave or Cologne. I hear Tom Ford causes quite a stir, but at two hundred quid a bottle it’s terribly expensive just to create a stir at the Horse & Jockey or a good first impression at Tescos Express. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not tighter than a submarine hatch my budget extends way past a bottle of Lynx Africa. You’re a Hep Cat and seem to know what it’s all about, what do you recommend should be my new signature scent? Yours in admiration, Saucy Jack 9. September 2016

Hi Saucy Jack, 

So this guy has piqued my interest recently, although his actual smell doesn’t entice me at all, because he kinda smells like wood. Like a sturdy old Oak. Anyway, that’s fine because his cologne freakin turns me on. I asked what it was and it’s by Issey Miyake. I Googled it for you, and it’s cheap as fck. It’s basically free.

So this should see you right in your quest to be more desirable to other people with nostrils, but on the cheap. Failing that you could always wear a woman’s perfume. My brother did this for a while, he said it pulled in the chicks at quite a record speed. And I can see why. I would literally fall at a man’s feet if he walked past me smelling like Britney Spears Fantasy Midnight Edition. We’d have so much in common and instantly hit it off, and my prediction is we would end up married and shit. 

Byezies Saucey. 


Disappointed there is no answer to my Britney question. Lostitgirl.com has now been relegated from The favourites bar to the normal favourites. Maybe questions about Lezing it up hit a sore spot. Chic 4. September 2016

I find this to be very needy. I have to sift through ten ton of shit to get to the ones that dignify a response, hence the late reply.


So Britney said she was done with guys and probably won’t go there again – I read this as “I’m 100% up for trying it out with women” so Toni, here is your chance! Would you Lez it up for Britney? Now that’s one celeb sex tape I would love to see! P.S – please do not invite Ramsey street for a three way with her, he doesn’t deserve it. 4. September 2016

Of course I would have sex with Britney, but I wouldn’t film it. Ok, I would, but I wouldn’t leak it. Ok I would, I’m just a massive liar.

I’m not sure she was saying that she wants to be a lesbian, I think she was saying she wants a girl with a penis who can impregnate her. I’m off to do my damnedest to grow one so as to be able to accommodate that.


Hiya,I’m thinking you’re the coolest and funniest Chic.What do you think ? 4. September 2016

Obviously, yes. I am all of those things.


Did it feel weird giving a guy a link to material of you, knowing full well he will be knocking one out looking at it? 25. August 2016

What people do over fully-clothed pictures on the internet is of no concern to me. I just appreciate the hits, and by hits I mean numbers on the internet – I’m not referring to whatever he may be hitting.

Now a question for you – did it feel weird acting like my dad just then? Because I think that you’re not my real dad, or maybe you are. Either way, who cares?

LIG


Dear LiG, if you were stranded on an island isolated from the rest of humanity, but with adequate food and shelter, would you rather have a pet (your choice of Animal but nothing daft like a Golden Eagle or Tiger) for company or have access to a well stocked library on the island? Yours in Admiration, Dick Warlock Ps PS No internet or telecommunications either, soz 24. August 2016

What a fun question, and attention to detail, Dick. Chic. 

Well, my natural instinct was to ask for the resurrection of the infamous Ursula Britney, my pet Pomeranian. I could happily spend an undisclosed amount of time alone with her. I chatted away to her as if she were human, and tbh, in my head she was. But it’s that use of undisclosed time. We all know dogs have a life span.

Would I be left alone one day cradling her frozen corpse? Would we be saved and live happily ever after? If I went for the books as company, I’d become so highly intelligent I’d possibly be able to find a way out and back to civilisation. But if I went for the books, what if there was a tropical storm and they all got trashed. I’m sorry but I simply can’t just give you a direct answer. I have to complicate everything. It’s what I do.

Thanks for the great question though, Dick.


Question: Why do you no longer post pictures of your outfits. Preferably the skimpy ones, you have a great look and body and quite frankly I love to see it. Possibly engaging in a little inappropriate self consideration. More please – Regards, an admiring fan. 21. August 2016

Try going here… www.instagram.com/lostitgirl

Enjoy mate.


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