The dangers of dating a total moron

Self Help | October 9, 2016 | By

total moron

Occasionally, you may find a hot guy who completely enthrals you. You’ll find them to be practically perfect in every single way, initially that is. Because in 95% of these times, the ones with the greatest looks also have the greatest IQ deficiency. Which is a shame. A shame for us.

So as this hot and really quite beautiful wonderment lacks intelligence, one might assume it to be best to leave it there, but is stupidity always a bad thing? Let’s delve into it…

My inspiration? Well duh, obviously the footballer. Footballers are of course the most basic of humans, bless them.

Having had regular conversations for a week and a half now, and I’m talking daily and proper “getting to know you stuff”, the time arrived for me to see him. The date was set. The venue was set. He’d promised to look after me, and it all seemed fine. Who’s ready for the ‘but’?

A few days after the arrangement was set, and mid-conversation about something else, he messaged to tell me to “bring a friend”, followed by 6-7 side eye emojis. I was too shocked to count the exact number.

Yes, that happened.

I wasn’t totally shocked in actual fact, I simply rolled my eyes. It was to be expected, I just presumed it would be at a much later date.

I immediately deleted what I was writing and exited the app quicker than a second. Outraged, I angry-texted my brother whose response was: “Typical Championship player….”


Then I angry-told as many people as I could to find out their response to this. Most people told me to delete retreat, and to forget this guy because it’s not really the done thing.

Top asshole

But let’s think about it.

Of course this makes him a top asshole, it really does. But when I’ve been sending nudes on the regular, what did I really expect? I’ve hardly helped to create a Romeo & Juliet scenario myself, have I? But then doesn’t everyone send nudes these days? (No, they do not, because sometimes they are clever – ed)

What we gather from this, aside from the fact he cock blocked himself (so lame, you cock blocked yourself you fucking idiot, read that sentence back to yourself. And I’m gonna let you take a minute for that) is also a lack of intellect.

What he should have done was keep me sweet, get me there, then maybe a few weeks down the line try his luck with his tricycle. Instead, what’s happened is I’ve taken my ball and gone home. Nobody got to play…

If he was blessed with a slick tongue he’d easily have been able to talk his way out of it, but he isn’t blessed with that ability either. Instead, after 24 hours of radio silence from me, he opted for a “cute selfie”. An obvious move for the intellectually challenged.

The conundrum I find myself faced with is this:

Here is a man devoid of a high IQ, but blessed with extremely good looks and physique, a good job with financial stability, and because of his lack of brains he would be easy to control and play like a fiddle.

But are the mentally challenged the way forward for an easy relationship life?

Let’s look at the advantages and disadvantages:

The disadvantages of dating a stupid person

They will always post selfies on social media doing duckfaces

Because they think it looks strong.

They will always cheat on you

Because they’re so insecure about their ineptitude it’s the only way they can think of to make themselves feel better about things.

You’ll be embarrassed a lot

Introducing them to your friends, family, or witnessing them trying to read a menu in a restaurant… It’s the ultimate fucking train wreck.

You’ll run out of shit to say

Their basic level ensures that any level of intelligent conversation is off the cards. How long can you talk about moisturisers for? Well actually quite a long time. But still, you get the point.

They make many fuck ups

They will probably do a lot of shit that creates havoc, such as forgetting they left the bath running, leaving your car unlocked, or forgetting where they parked it, putting metal in the microwave, forgetting to put the toilet seat down or even to flush the toilet. It’s not their fault, they are just not that bright.

The advantages of dating a stupid person

They are good listeners

Because they’re too dumb to have any opinions of their own.

They tell you all you need to know about them in 5 minutes

Just a quick scroll through their social media accounts is all it takes. They’re too stupid to hold anything back.

They are shit liars

They just can’t pull it off at all. A minute’s interrogation and they crack. No need for waterboarding.

It’s an ego boost

You will feel so clever around them, it’s really quite empowering.

They are quite hilarious

It’s mean, but you can really have a good laugh at their expense. They will always say stupid stuff, or just fall over for no reason or walk into doors or whatever. It’s quite funny, until it’s boring, then it becomes tiresome.

To conclude

In conclusion, you might get a few months out of it, but overall there’s no chance of any kind of longevity with a dumbass. So while the footballer will retain his place in my rotation for now, he will probably be here today, gone tomorrow, a bit like his hairline.


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