Hat Man strikes again

My Life | January 15, 2018 | By

It was a few weeks into January and I was tucked up in bed sipping some red wine and watching a documentary on Tupac. The main thing I learned from this documentary is that his dad is super hot. But the red wine kicked in and my mind began to wander…

My mind wandered onto the subject of Hat Man. He’s always fun to wind up, because it really takes no effort at all. For those not familiar with Hat Man, he’s a guy I had been seeing who then inexplicably in a fit of amateur game-playing decided to try to set me up with one of his friends.

This move of course backfired and he became disheartened when I actually took the bait and went out on a date with him. Don’t test me idiot…

He’s not the brightest, bless him… But he’s back on the scene which is nice, nice for him.

So I called him and he did his usual thing which is to sing some stupid R & B song down the phone at me while he drives around London in his car. He has one of those automobiles guys with small dicks have, but  Hat Man actually has an above average-sized penis so he needn’t drive the BMW or whatever it is.

Then he was like: “I need to send you this song!” (He really didn’t, his rendition was enough to know I hated it already).

We don’t converse via WhatsApp because of the rule:

Don’t talk to guys you are boning on WhatsApp because it will send at least one of you crazy. I can’t predict which one.

You can read about those rules here:

Guy Help

So, because of our WhatsApp blackout, he would have to send me the song via iMessage. A simple task you would think, but not for Hat Man.

After we hung up I went back to watching my show, and then the following happened:

iMessage received from Hat Man with link to song.

Listened to song. It was boring.

Replied with: “It’s not a song you’d hear on the radio, more a tune you would bone to… Are you sending out a sub?”

I assumed he was sending me a subliminal message because the song was about some guy fckin two girls or some shit.

It was at this point I noticed someone else was also in the convo, it was a group chat. I didn’t really think anything of it; after all, Hat Man is pretty strange and I didn’t care.


Then all these messages started coming through from a + 44. They were coming through at a very fast rate. They went like this:

“Are you seeing Hat Man?”

“Fine if you are.”

“How long have you been seeing him?”

“Actually you know what have him hun.”

“Have him.”

No thanks…

But then I understood what had happened:

Hat Man had sent me a song and accidentally added another girl he is seeing in to the mix, making a little group.

I didn’t respond, but was on WhatsApp watching for the entertainment as she continued to write stuff, and then delete it.


Then it stops


Then it stops. 

This went on for some time and although I shouldn’t laugh, I did.

If you are added into a group by a guy you are seeing with another girl he is seeing, it’s not great to save her number then go to WhatsApp to check her out before banging out a ton of not thought out messages. The mind boggles at this behaviour. But maybe that’s just what people do.

Upon losing all dignity she then hit me with MORE.

She said:

“We are good friends he’s lovely I was jw.”

If you were JW (I presume she was “just wondering”) I’d have opened with that.

Then Hat Man called.

He was like: “I didn’t realise.”

And then reeled off ten ton of shit over my background laughter.

I said: “Dude your gf is currently blowing up my WhatsApp.”

He replied: “What?” And hung up.

What a top moron. I decided to let the pair of them continue their panic and let them crack on Googling if you can buy dignity (you can’t).

Let’s round up with some lie lessons from this: 

  • Do better at texting.
  • Only be a player if you are competent and good at multi-tasking.
  • Don’t show yourself up in front of strangers.
  • Don’t stress text.
  • Don’t take iMessage numbers and put them into WhatsApp.
  • Don’t send people shit songs. 



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