How to be good at drugs

Self Help | March 21, 2018 | By

It’s always fun to talk about narcotics, although I must stress that LostItGirl does not condone the use of drugs. If someone offers you free drugs, just say… yes, because drugs are very expensive. I, like most people in their late teens, have experimented with some drugs, so I am aware of the dangers. I have lost many hours, many outfits and a lot of dignity, so now I’m clean and away from all those horrid dirty drugs.

I now only consume the following:

Alcohol

Instagram

Xanax

Twitter

Cigarettes

Snapchat

Valium

One night stands

Caffeine 

WhatsApp

Sniffing glue

McDonald’s (joke, obvs)

I feel like if I was in the Olympics I still wouldn’t pass the drugs test. Mainly because of the drugs I just listed. But, technically, I’m off the drugs, because they are bad.

Anyway, this is a non-serious blog and is not affiliated with any major fast food corporations.

Here’s some amusing stories about idiots on drugs I collected from my friends:

Man in the mirror

This guy was doing magic mushrooms in a hotel in Amsterdam. He got up to use the bathroom, but on his way across the room he approached a mirror. In his ‘shroomed out mind he stood there and said to the mirror, “Oh sorry, after you…” When the mirror version of him didn’t move but just stared back at him he said again: “No, come on you go…” This back and forth with his own reflection went on for a good eight minutes and included many different lines with no responses, including: “Don’t you speak fuckin English mate?”. 

Lord of No rings

My friends were arriving at someone’s house, when unexpectedly a rather deranged guy who appeared to be on MDMA answered the door exclaiming: “Come on in I’m watching Lord of the Rings!” But Lord of the Rings wasn’t on. As they all shuffled in, the television was off. He was watching it in his mind, which is probably the best way to watch it.

Munchies

When people do drugs indoors, they can start to want food. But, at a party, when someone says: “Do you want a toastie?” it’s probably best to say no. My friend was offered a toastie by some guy. But this guy’s idea of a toastie was to put a jumper (sweater for our American friends) in the toastie machine with ham and cheese. He had folded it and put such care into it, before presenting his dish in such a formal manner that it was hard to say no. Also it was ‘Fruit of the Loom’. 

Chill

Some drugs will make you get the chills. You may want to put on an extra layer. This guy was at a house party getting all shivery and asked: “Can I get a jumper?” 

“Yeah sure go upstairs and grab something…” came the response. 10 minutes later he came downstairs in a cropped pink cardigan that barely covered his torso. Turns out he had gone to the mum’s room and taken a liking to the tiny pink cardi, which was now bursting at the seems. 

Rabbit Trick

Some other friends came out of some party out in the middle of nowhere – think tractors and country lanes with owls and stuff. The still of the 3am night, with moonlight the only salvation. No idea where they were, and with no phone signal. “Let’s follow the white rabbit, he will guide us” said one, and as they looked over a white rabbit was scampering down the lane. It was as though they were in a dream. Some of them reported that life took on a whole new meaning in that moment. They finally understood. They started to follow it, but when it got stuck halfway up a tree they realised it was a plastic bag.

So yeah, for those reasons, I don’t do drugs anymore – except for Xanax and all the other ones I do do.

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