How to text a boy

Self Help | August 16, 2017 | By

I wasn’t sure if I had covered off this subject before, so I got my current intern, who is really skinny and never ever speaks, to go through the archives. She texted me despite being right next to me to tell me that no, we have not covered this subject. And so now we shall.

Two friends in the same week asked me about some situations that involved the texting of a guy. One asked my advice, ignored it and fcked it all up. The other didn’t ask for my advice per se, but really should have since they too fcked it up.

What’s the fckin point of this blog? What’s the damn point of the extensive research I’ve conducted into all the subjects that we cover? And as for the pain staking fck ups I’ve made just to get better at advice? I’ve dedicated a great portion of my life into being crazy for the art of this blog. What’s the point of my PhD in chic and my Masters in being a shit show if you have me on speed dial and don’t use any of my expertise? Damn bitches.

Jane Austen

The first of my friends went ahead and sent a text that resembled Jane Austen’s Works Volumes 1 through 6. It bored the fck out of me, so there ain’t no way a guy was going to be reading it.

The other friend thought she had dabbled in some risqué flirting. But unless flirting consists of discussing a subject so far removed from anything sexual that even a half blind virginal nun with minimal conversational experience would have been able to hold her own in the text two and fro, then she too failed.

This made me think that there are probably other girls falling foul of similar texting faux pas, and so I’ve compiled a handy list of rules for texting a guy if you want to eventually fck him.

After you

Don’t text first – Simple yet very effective.

But there are rules:

If he doesn’t have your number, you’re going to have to.

And

If you really don’t care about him; and I mean really don’t care, you can actually text as much as you want.

But remember, you know what the LIG saying is: ‘Men chase, women don’t.’

I held out on texting back this guy recently. He was a guy from my past (I won’t go into it, I’ll save it for a blog), I held out and obviously I got my text. Stick with it, because if they like you they’ll text you. It’s easy really.

Length

Keep texts short.

Think of guys more as informational material. For instance, if you want to tell someone not to touch something because it’s going to fckin explode and kill anyone within the vicinity, you would simply write: ‘Do not touch because you will die.’

You would not write: ‘Hey guys how are you? I’m great I just bought a new puppy (cute af, not house trained yet). So anyway, you see this button? Well let me tell you about it, basically etc etc etc…’

Like most, I would have stopped reading at ‘I’m great’ and we’d all be dead. With guys you really must keep it to three rows MAX per text.

Do you get me?

Don’t be too informative or witty.

For me, I text a lot of stupid guys so I really have to dumb down my texts a notch. I have learned how to do this through trial and error. My expertise mainly helps me now to decide just not to bother. If I’d had something witty to say with the boxer, I just wouldn’t bother since he wouldn’t work it out as he could only text in massive sentences free of grammar.

But even if the guy isn’t mentally challenged, he is probably playing FIFA so giving him a full schedule of your plans is frankly not needed. Just say: see you at 8pm.

If you want to talk about Brexit. Over text. You are mad. Even if you have got yourself one of the intelligent ones, the rules stay the same in the early days because it’s hard to convey things over text when you don’t know someone so well and because even the clever ones have a very short attention span over texts. Have you ever seen a thread of texts between two guys? Whether clever or dumb, have you seen how they talk to each other? I rest my case.

Do you want to send this with no subject?

No. No you don’t.

I never put subjects in my emails and my email provider is constantly asking me that question before agreeing to allow me to send. It’s so annoying, but when it comes to sending a text to a boy you should always have a subject in mind and plan it carefully. Suitable subjects can be things like: that evening’s plans, a common interest you both share, or the footballer scores (just kidding, girls don’t know anything about football, plus I’ve learned that guys prefer it when you don’t).

Topics to avoid are things like:

“Hey, I saw a dog today”

“Hey I broke in my purple clogs”

“Hey did you watch TV last night”

“Hey the Weeknd is dating Selena.”

“Hey, would you ever live with a dog?”

Also, anything about feelings. All that kind of shit should be saved for friends only.

Sorry are you hitting on me?

Yep, but they shouldn’t need to ask that.

When it comes to flirting, this should happen organically; sugar-free, high-fibre, gluten-free. But if it doesn’t come naturally, may I first say: never ever send the aubergine emoji to a guy. Ok?

Sorry if I come across aggressive with this suggestion but I’ve known someone to do that (not under my supervision) and it’s just not ok. I really shouldn’t even have to tell you the reasons why.

A great flirty text, however, is one that includes the word ‘bed’ because then they think of sex. For example: “I’m just about to go to bed…” that is a text that has got me laid on numerous occasions. True story.

The use of the Ellipsis (three suggestive dots) works better than any emoji, but the wink emoji is always a safe sign if you want to get a point across. But you shouldn’t overuse emojis in 2017.

Also, no cryptic flirting. Voice-note flirting is approved if you sound hot af. And being a slut is not flirting… so hold back on the belfies and nudes until further down the line; but they are to be encouraged eventually because guys are simple and essentially we all like visuals. Why is Instagram way more popular than Twitter? Because people like stuff to look at, much like art.

Happy sexting/texting. I suppose the main key to texting a boy?

Less is more.

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