Mum’s the word

Self Help | September 4, 2017 | By

I’m just back from a weekend with my mum, and although I love my mum, don’t get me wrong, I’d love her a whole lot more if she was the CEO of Net-a-Porter.

A weekend with your mum can be fun. You get to hear about all the psycho stuff you did as a kid; this weekend I learned I was a fat kid that screamed a lot and once we went on a European holiday which clearly I wasn’t into as continental breaks are below me, so felt I should be more well-travelled and I screamed the whole time unless I had full on attention. This makes sense to me. And my brother went to Kid’s Club but got lost on the way back to the hotel room and sat on some stair and cried. I imagine him getting attention really pissed me off.

Mums are super fun for stories like that, but then you get questions like this:

“So, are you seeing anyone?”

Here we go. I mean, I’m lucky because I can just point her in the direction of this blog and be like: “Well you decide for yourself…”

But it doesn’t stop the questions, and I know my friends get the same stupid-assed questions from their mums so I hope this is relatable. The following is a guide to the questions you will face, how you should answer them, and how I, LostItGirl, answer them. You can pick which one is best for your specific set of circumstances (pick my way).

I’ve used them all on my mum and she always says “Oh LostItGirl, you are silly!”

But her jovial response is always underscored by mild concern. Still, at least she stays quiet after…

Question

“Seeing anyone nice?”

Normal Answer

“Yes! A guy called Phil! But it’s too early to tell mum. He has dead eyes though so if I go missing for three days, tell the police ‘Phil from accounts’ and they’ll take it from there.”

LIG Answer

“About four guys. They all have nice qualities. I mean, if I could take the footballer’s penis, half of Hat Guy’s personality and half of Camden’s. Hat Guy’s job, but Camden’s face. Well then I’d have the perfect guy.”

Question

“What happened to that nice guy you were seeing?”

Normal Answer

“Haven’t you heard mum? Nice guys come last, nice guys come fast. And mum, can I just say it’s true. He had to go; he said stupid things that made me want to scream and he would have proposed in a TGI Fridays. He was gross.”

LIG Answer

“Mum he died. Didn’t I tell you? Freak accident abroad. He went jet skiing drunk, he ran out of petrol and was too far out at sea. We think he was eaten by a non-vegetarian whale. He was pretty fat so he’s probably fed a whole family of porpoises. Every cloud.”

Question

“When can I expect grand kids?”

Normal Answer

“Mum don’t you know my brother is trying with his new gf? You should ring him now and give him tips.”

LIG Answer

“When they invent a way of men having them, because I’m just not prepared to ruin my vagina while it’s in its prime. Plus, I’m skint, selfish and drunk. So unless I can have it and dump it off on you and visit every other weekend, well then you’re going to have a long wait.”

Question

“Have you tried the dating apps? Susan at work said they’re great.”

Normal Answer

“I did mum. I was chatting to a guy who worked in law. I lent him eight grand, I had to send it to Africa so he could access his prince title and seven billion African pounds. I’ve not heard from him in a couple weeks so I hope he hasn’t been kidnapped. His African king dad has disowned him for talking to me, and he needed an extra 6k to send over bodyguards for me. I don’t think they’re safe mum, you should tell Susan.”

LIG Answer

“Susan at work is a fat cow, of course she’s on match.com. Anyway, I am on dating apps; they’re called Instagram and Snapchat. I can get laid on them every day if I want.”

Question

“Maybe you shouldn’t wear that? I think it might give guys the wrong idea…”

Normal Answer

“Mum, remind me of the outfit you met dad in?”

LIG Answer

“That I’m a slut? Good.”

Question

“Are you lesbian?”

Normal Answer

“Sometimes, but not often…”

LIG Answer

“Is Susan? If so, then yah, sure; why the fck not?”

Question

“Maybe you should take up a hobby?”

Normal Answer

“That’s a great idea mum. I’m gonna check any lawn bowls groups in my area right now.”

LIG Answer

“I have. It’s called getting pissed, fckin shit up and blogging about it.”

Question

“The man on This Morning said girls are becoming too independent and men don’t like it.”

Normal Answer

“You’re right, mum! Maybe I should quit work and move back in here? I know you’ve made my room a gym now that you run a small yoga business from, but you can stop that can’t you? Plus, I could get a dog!”

LIG Answer

“The man on This Morning is talking to bored housewives and single jobless depressed people. He’s paid to fill their heads with bullshit.”

Question

“I know footballers are fun, but don’t overlook that nice waiter we met back in 2009 who gave me the free glass of champagne.”

Normal Answer

“What? Who?”

LIG Answer

“I remember mum, I added him on Facebook and he messaged me that he’s into older chicks like Wayne Rooney. apparently it was you he was after.”

Question

“Who was that guy in the photo you put up (0.2 seconds ago)? He seemed nice.”

Normal Answer

“Well I did try and bring him home but it was weird. He doesn’t speak, but he was a great listener. Then after he left my house I found him crying on the doorstep so I called the police.”

LIG Answer

“Mum that was a waxwork of Ant and Dec at Madame Tussauds.”

Mum’s are fun and everything, but they really don’t get the dating woes of the 20th century chick. The struggle is real. But we’re all in it together, I guess…

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