Read a book

Self Help | June 20, 2017 | By

Instead of everyone reading into every little thing, would it not be best to read a book instead?

How many relationships and friendships get all fcked up because of neurotic jumping to conclusions?

“If it’s not one thing it’s something else.”

Hey, isn’t that saying shit? Like, duh, obviously if it wasn’t one thing it would always be something different, because there’s always a thing. That saying is very shit, and I don’t care who knows…

Jumping to conclusions, doing a quick equation when the answer is supposed to be 84 but the dumb, for some reason, make 12 and fck everything up. 4+4 is 8. How did you get to 6?

Without hard facts, can we really be mad at anything?

Hat guy was so mad at me because he had decided that me having two unopened condoms out on the bedside table must have meant that just moments before I’d obviously had two cocks also out on the bedside table. How?

How has he reached that conclusion from a seemingly innocent scenario?

In my mind…

In my mind, what those two condoms actually told him was that:

I practice safe sex

I’m single

I don’t tidy up halfway through sex

I have sex

I’m not a virgin

A condom is a great table piece

Next time I see him I’ve decided I’m going to be all: “Hey, what’s that behind your ear?” and pull out a condom. I’m going to faux-cough and cough up a condom. Just like a magician.

I am going to scatter so many damn condoms everywhere, hundreds all around the place.

I’ll actually struggle to eventually use them (well that’s a lie), but he’s shown me a weakness and I am ready to have a great time with it. He has nobody to blame but himself.

I’ve realised the weirdness he’s thrown my way was actually because I left some condoms on the side. Honestly I don’t know why there were there. I can’t recall from when. But yes I do have sex. Can you believe me? A single female has had sex? The shock.

Did it mean I’d fcked a guy just three days before? Well, probably yes. But did he really have to jump to that conclusion? They could have been there months. Was it worth acting like a bitch just because he assumes whatever he assumed?

Gay hump

I constantly dry hump my beautiful gay best friend on my Snapchats. Does that mean at the end of the night we fck? No because he’s gay.

Although we do get drunk and make out. But could someone decide because we are close we obviously fck? They could, but they’d be an idiot.

I have three full wardrobes in my brother’s walk in closet in Dubai. I once asked him if all this chick shit everywhere was cock blocking him. He said no because none of the girls would open the wardrobes. WRONG. Oh yes they would you fool.

I know girls that have carried out a full house inspection as though they are valuing it.

“Hmmm, green tea bags in the kitchen cupboard? LostItGirl, that means he’s got a gf right? Because boys don’t drink green tea, do they?”

No. No they don’t. And if they do you should dump them anyway regardless of whether he has a gf and is a cheating scumbag. Dump him because a guy drinking green tea is not fckin sexy at all.

What it means is some bitch took green tea bags round and left them there on purpose to make another girl go crazy. Or maybe his mum or sister visits a lot. It could be lots of things.

Cheating C*#$

Here are some of the scenarios where you may jump to the conclusion they are a cheating swine:

He called you a different name when he ejaculated.

You walked in on him with some skinny blonde bitch sat on top of him naked.

He told you he has a wife.

You met him and his gf at the same time.

His gf texted you the word “SLUT”.

I mean obviously under these circumstance it’s best to dump him as he’s cheating. But here are some things you should try not to go bat shit crazy over:

A Kirby grip on the floor

Come on, those buggers are small and get everywhere. Could’ve been there for months.

Girls pants at the back of the drawer

I couldn’t tell you the amount of panties I’ve left behind in a rush to get out. I imagine they got scooped up and ended up in a dark 40 wash and eventually made it into a drawer with his Calvins, completely unnoticed. I’m sad for all my lost underwear which is now not in my rose scented drawers, but crumpled at the back of a boys drawer.

Quinoa in the cupboard

Maybe his trainer made him buy it. Trainers always make you buy it.

Condoms on the side

If I don’t put mine back in the drawer, how can you expect a boy to? Never likely to happen. I mean, if you’ve been dating for a year and are now condom-free when suddenly you find some on the bedside table, you have permission to shave his head at night.

Girls in the background of Snaps

I’ve known a girl throw a halloumi wrap right onto the floor in a rage, just because she saw a hot babe in the background of a hot guy she (wasn’t) seeing’s Snapchat. That happened. But what didn’t happen was him ever seeing her again since she went so nuts.

It would be best to perhaps just message myself and the team here if you have any suspicions and we can safely and in the chicest manner possible guide you to a conclusion and how best to deal with it.

I think that’s a much better plan than just going full on mental and jumping to conclusions.

Shout out Hat guy, when you coming over? I’ve just bought up all the condoms in the Superdrug.

XO

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