Read all into it

Self Help | November 7, 2017 | By

Let’s read into everything, and then once we have, let’s read into it some more. Seems like a pretty cool way to be.

Myself and my friend, who is a guy, were laughing at our friend’s inability to professionally text a guy she super likes. It developed into an argument, and that argument went as follows:

Guy friend: “You’ve told him you love him there.”

Her: “I didn’t.”

Me: “Oh God.”

Guy friend: “I watched you do it.”

Me: “Oh ffs.”

Her: “I said I loved the night we had.”

Me: “Well yeah tbh a guy will only zone in on that one word: That crazy little word called Love.”

Guy friend: “Exactly. He won’t read the rest, he would have just read it as ‘I love you’”

Her: “Fml.”

Me: “Don’t you read LostItGirl?”

Her: “No, it’s shit…”

If you mention the word love, a guy will automatically assume you love him. This the truth. It’s a truth evident that he hasn’t texted her ever again.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll happily repeat: you must be very simple when texting a guy, regardless of whether they’re simple themselves or not. YOU have to be simple.

See if you can spot what’s wrong with this text:

“Hey, had a great time last night. Was fun! Now hungover at work and my friend has just come in – she’s getting married! She’s so happy it’s all noisy now. Bleugh hangover.”

If you think this is a good first text the morning after a date, then congratulations, you don’t need to see that guy anymore, and you can now move onto the next one; because you’ll never be hearing from him ever again.

On the surface this is probably just an anecdotal message about something that just happened. Perhaps this wedding bitch just walked into the office flapping around her bejewelled hand like she was in a Beyonce video, then everyone was congratulating her and the boss came out to see what the commotion was and insisted on the intern running to the shop to get some champagne. Maybe that did happen. Maybe the story is innocent. But here’s how the guy just read that message:

“I want to get married too and I feel like we bonded last night.” 

What about this one?

“Hey how you doing? Was that party you were saying about fun? Did you go? You wanna hang out tomorrow night?”

Nothing wrong with it. Apart from the fact there’s about 500% more questions in it than there should be. This would be read like this:

“Who you been texting?” 

“Who were you talking to when you went out?”

“Who the fck are you fckin?”

“Where the fck are you?” 

“Do you value your dick? As you’re about to lose it.”

“Hello?”

It seems fckin ludicrous I know, but my extensive research (I asked the guy sat on the floor outside the off-licence) proves that yes, indeed, our innocent texts can be fully misread.

So I just stick to this:

“Hi”

“Wyd?”

“Come over?”

Just makes things easier.

Keep clear of:

  1. ❤️
  2. The word “Love”

Just text all that other shit to your mum or friends. Or me. I really want to hear about that bitch that just got engaged. What was the carat? Is she going to be a hot bride? Does she have fat potential around stress?

Sorry that was a lot of questions. I’m still learning.

Message me. XO

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