Say my name

My Life | October 24, 2017 | By

Name

Recently I’ve found myself getting angry with the guys in my rotation for not addressing me in the proper manner. I don’t know if it’s just the sub-standard level of company I keep, or whether it’s a 2017 thing; either way, it’s strange being called many different names when I have a perfectly good one already: LostItGirl. So use it.

I mean, if it’s face to face I get that you can forget someone’s name. I struggle with it all the time and often forget people’s names. I can allow face to face forgetting, and when you do this I think it’s ok to address the person with a general word like the ones I’m about to go through; after all, I’m pretty certain that’s why they were invented.

But I have been addressed as some of these words very recently via text. It’s quite unsettling since I’m sure my name probably comes up on the perpetrator’s phone. So I’m quite disoriented, and a little bit furious, which as we all know is a dangerous state for one to be in. This is unacceptable.

Here’s some of the names I’ve been called recently, that I know about. I find it’s probably best not to think about what I get called behind my back. It’s just easier.

Mate

If you’re having sexual intercourse with someone on the reg, then if we’re to be scientifically accurate you are, in a sense, mates, as you are mating, and so technically they are your mate. But I don’t want to be called that. I think it should be reserved for male companions only. It’s far too lad-esque to rouse any conversation in me, although it will be met with a “who are you talking to please?”

Love

This is the worst. Love. When this is said by someone who actually has no idea how to love anything other than himself (a common trait among the guys I hang out with), it’s obviously not said in an endearing way at all. They do not love you, it’s more of a “I care so very little about you, you’re similar in importance to the woman who passed me my dry cleaning this morning. I called her love too.” Basically, fck you, which funnily enough is how I responded having been called that.

Hun

This is just wet. What is a hun anyway? An abbreviation of honey. Honey is kinda cute, although a little demeaning, but at least they bothered to use the word in full. Hun is so wet that when I got called it I had to reach for my umbrella. Before then using the umbrella to beat the shit out of the sad sack who called me it.

Darling

Actually, over text I don’t really mind it. When I decided to text someone I’d not spoken to in a while I was met with that and a smiley. It seemed as though they were genuinely happy to hear from me. In that context it worked for me but it can be used In a patronising way too, in which case you throw your drink over them.

Babe

The most common greeting of all, and a hard one to delve into really. I’m called it so damn often. One guy would reply to pretty much anything I said with “hey babe” it became so funny to myself and my gbff we once went through a time of just saying that to each other. “Hey babe. Hey babe. Hey babe. Hey babe.” It’s too funny, it’s pretty harmless really.

Bruv

Yes. Yes this is a thing. Do I really need to dissect it? If it’s done ironically, then fine. If it’s not, something else that begins with ‘f’ will suffice as a response.

But not to be one for one-sidedness, I also call people things other than their names. Here’s a list of some of the words/sentences I call guys whose names I disremember:

“Dan, Dave, erm… dude?”

“Hey you!”

“Excuse me!”

“Do I know you?”

“Have we fcked? Fine if yes, it’s just I’ve forgotten.”

“Sir.”

“Hello guy I bone.”

“Handsome…” (only if I want something)

“Sugar daddy.”

Failing that, I just go with any of the names of my exes. There’s only so many names in the world, so one day one of them will almost definitely be correct.

XO

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