Town Crier

My Life | August 10, 2017 | By

Town crier

Men who cry; it’s not so much extremely unattractive as it is totally boring…

I’m not being mean, but if you’re crying about fck all, like nothing good, you need to shut the fck up.

Cry about good, interesting stuff, sure. I once dated a serial crier, and by cry I mean tears, snot and wailing. It was the most off-putting thing I’ve ever seen.

Naked crying

I remember once I was stood there watching this grown man naked in a ball weeping in the open plan kitchen because I’d told him I hated him and his stupid face. Quite why he felt the need to be naked is beyond me, but he was old; and I’ve noticed old people don’t mind being naked.

I just stood there fully astounded whilst my clitoris got up quietly, packed a small overnight bag and hopped on a plane to the south of France. I don’t blame my clitoris for leaving. It is grotesque behaviour of the highest order.

He was the most over emotional guy ever, in fact I’m not even sure if he was a guy. But then if a manly man like the rapper who is called Future cried because he just got put in prison, but he did it alone in his cell and the footage was just leaked; well that would be cute af. If the footballer who I told I loved and he replied with zero interest welled up (not cried) in front of me because I’d just told him I’m pregnant and he was devastated, I’d probably find that to be cute too.

Two guys, Two cries

What I’m saying here really is that there is nothing wrong with crying on the whole, but it needs to be measured, it needs to be sensible, and it needs to be conducted in an environment appropriate for this behaviour.

Recently I made two guys cry; one is the boxer, the other is Hat Guy. Here’s how that went:

Crying boxer

I made a real boxer cry. Do you think Antony Joshua would start crying if I sat him down and told him I was seeing a footballer and we had just been having “fun”, and it was “nothing serious”? No, he wouldn’t cry, he would say it was fine, probably look at me like a freak because he’d known all along we were nothing serious, quickly take me to bed, get up, wipe his dick on the curtain and leave.

Not my boxer though! Ok fine, he’s not a boxer, he just takes a boxercise class, and it was my own fault for blurting out about my one night with the footballer without warning. But to be honest, I just really wanted to tell someone. I mean the footballer is a fckin God and I hadn’t had time to write a blog about it yet so I was just excited. I forgot the guy was obsessed with me and wouldn’t be able to share in my happiness. But I think he should have been able to. It was never a thing with the boxer, so why can’t he be happy for me seeing the footballer again?

We’d been on one date which was inside, and three outside dates, but they were all with other people from our boxing class. I wouldn’t exactly say we were going steady. Plus, I thought we were friends and thus thought he’d be happy for my footballer dalliance. I think he kind of thought we were a thing though, so my little announcement didn’t go down very well at all. He stormed out and then the next morning he was angry-texting me. I found out the next day my housemate had passed him in his car when she was coming back to our house and he was parked with his head on the steering wheel crying.

What you crying for? We aren’t dating, why can’t you just be happy for me? Or at least instead of crying like a fckin baby, take up the challenge of getting me off the footballer. That’s what Rocky would do.

Hat Guy

When Hat Guy comes in a room, you could think you were stood upon the edge of Niagara Falls. These are the things he has cried about previously:

He cried because I had two unused condoms on my bedside table.

He cried because I get messages from other boys.

He cried because my gbff isn’t 100% gay.

He cried because I deleted him off Snapchat.

He cried because I didn’t reply to him on my birthday evening to a text that didn’t have anything to reply to in it.

And just yesterday he cried because I had another boy in my Insta story. He just cries about everything to be honest.

So what’s with guys not acting manly? I’ve noticed that some guys are way more bitchy than girls, and now they all crying more than girls? Wtf is that about?

Hat Guy is just a nuisance to me, the boxer probably wets the bed, I don’t know. I just don’t find any of it very sexy? Maybe that’s why I constantly go after guys that just ignore me.

They can’t cry at me if they ain’t texting back can they?

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