Relationship Update

My Life | February 20, 2018 | By

At the beginning of January I decided to ignore all of my (then) current rotation and see which ones came back to me. Only two did. The only two were Boxer and Hat Man. My least favourites. The others just stalk my social media in a weird, unsettling silence.

But there is someone else I’ve been keeping from you, keeping from everyone in fact. This is for a combination of reasons, all of which are shameful, but I’m honest and I must admit my faults.

As I told you yesterday, off the back of hanging around in the Premiership I went straight to the local 5-a-side. I went as far away as possible from my usual type of guy. Basically, for want of a better analogy, I’ve been on the Moon with some weird two-headed martian fck.

I like to switch it up with the best of them, and I’ll try anything once, practically. So get this: I am now dating a guy who is POOR.

Before I hear cries of discrimination and various sub-sections of my shallow approach to life are laid out before me on the Ask Me page, let me just say that I am shallow, so yeah… But this guy, he’s so poor he don’t even got a bank card, you know?

Poor is fine. It really is.

As an eight-year old LIG, I always saw myself in my future in a really unhappy marriage with a super rich asshole. And although I was deeply unhappy in these visions, the key point I took away was the word ‘rich’. I just wanted to be with someone rich.

I wanted my own money and my own shit going on, but I wanted them to have more than me. I never cared about looks or personality, where the guy is from what he did, how annoying his family were. Everything else was irrelevant, I just wanted them to be rich. Some girls want a prince, some go for handsome. For me, I just wanted rich. What can I say? The heart wants what it wants.

And now, here I am in either a panicship a pityship a boredship. I don’t know but it’s some sort of ship. The Titanic probably.

His name is EDF. My gbff Christened him this name because he is an electrician. EDF is a nice guy, very nice. He has a regular job and does regular people stuff. He gets paid in cash so doesn’t have a bank card which caused me alarm – so much alarm I’ve not probed anymore. Who the fck doesn’t have a bank card? He doesn’t have his own house or flat, he has like an area at his dad’s house and sometimes he stays at his mum’s too.

I don’t generally care what someone’s job is, but I do find drive and ambition attractive. I don’t judge other people’s circumstances; why would I? But there comes a time in one’s life when one probably should have one’s shit together. At 38 I feel like he’s at that time. 

But the biggest problem is, it’s really good D, he’s really nice and kind to me, and my friends like him and they hate everyone. It’s all a bit fcked up. 

Annually I decide to go down the ‘nice guy route’. This usually lasts around two months.

In the first month it’s all: “I’m in love I’m in love and I don’t care who knows!”

During the second month it’s all: “Get the fck away from me I hate you.”

It’s over nothing. It just comes from inside. An irrational hatred. 

And then it’s back to my usual wankers. 

I’m waiting for that irrational hate to kick in, and it will it’s fine. I’m sure it will. It just hasn’t yet. Generally, he’s a nice guy and everyone’s encouraging me even though he doesn’t have a bank card.

Oh and he also has a 16-year old kid… So it’s not looking good. I should probably go back to the Premiership, I think this is definitely a boredship.

But honestly, I’m not sure what I know anymore…


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