Veganuary

My Life | January 10, 2018 | By

Veganuary

January blues are just made worse by giving up everything fun, but it’s what we all do. So in that context, please enjoy these ideas for the stuff you can do in the most depressing month of the year which will fully ensure it’s ten times worse than it should be.

Firstly, and it’s not really taking off, but VEGanuary is a thing. A stupid thing really, it’s not even a catchy title.

Anyway, in order to take part in VEGanuary here’s a handy guide. You need to give up a lot of shit, but in order to be a real scenester, it’s just something you have to do. So here is a guide to how to do that:

Things you need to give up

Things you should have already given up

Cheese

Food

Leather

Lip fillers

Meat

Meat

Fish

Sushi with rice

Dairy

Dairy

Chocolate

Chocolate

White bread

All bread

Alcohol

Why? Is that made of animals?

I feel like it’s a great way to lose weight, but if you can’t stress-eat cheese directly from the block while stood under the light of the fridge at 3am, then frankly what’s the point in life?

Giving up meat isn’t a problem for me, I’ve not eaten that stuff since I was 10. Leather is an issue, I can’t lie. Yeah it’s cruel af, but Gucci do such amazing things with it, so I think it’s best to blame them.

I have started buying more of Stella McCartney’s products though, I mean I can’t be perfect straight away can I?

The point is, vegan isn’t fully for me, but I’d say I’m 60% of the way there and I’ve not been depressed since my dog died, so if you are going to do VEGanuary, maybe it won’t make you “that depressed”.*

*(Disclaimer: It will)

Dry January

This is bullshit. I care about your health, I really do, and I feel like we could all benefit from cutting down on the alcohol; everything in moderation and all that shit people say.

But if you’re sticking to your green smoothies, working out in the gym and cutting back on your shopping habits, then why can’t you live a little by getting totally fcked up on occasion?

I agree with cutting down, but don’t starve yourself of all fun in such a shit month. Also, studies show that for those who are regular fans of alcohol, suddenly cutting it out completely is actually worse for your body.

If someone told me I couldn’t go out in January, get totally pissed and fck a model I would be distraught. All I see right now is people crying about the “January Blues”. They’re just doing January all wrong. I’ve thought about it a lot and I have a solution: treat January like July. Wear summer dresses and sun hats and never be seen without a Mojito in one hand and an incredibly cheap cigarette in the other. You’re welcome.

Nama-stay the fck away from me

The second thing people do at this time of year is of course the whole “new me” shit. I don’t want to go on about this as I have done on every new year since I started the blog, but I will say this: I so can’t wait to meet the new you, which I can guarantee will be the same fat asshole as last year. But hey? You do you.

To accomplish a new you, you will have to immerse yourself in a cluster of patronising books with names like the following:

New You, Better You, The Real You

Happy Mind Happy Find

Positive Vibes for Positive Lives

Happy Healthy And Wealthy

Now ’o Clock

I made all of those up, but if they are real books that’s funny af.

You have to read a load of crap about wishing for stuff that you’ll magically get and how if you throw all your stuff in the bin you’ll find the real you, and the universe will replace it all, and how you should live for now not yesterday or tomorrow because those days don’t matter. Well, yesterday I wore my over-the-knee snakeskin boots and you want me to forget that like it doesn’t matter if I wear them tomorrow? Get the fck out of here. It does matter!

I feel like these so-called experts prey on the vulnerabilities of those in need of help, when the real help is just being healthy and having fckin awesome people around you, while living your life in a way that you enjoy.

If having unprotected sex with six different guys a week makes you happy and isn’t hurting anyone, then I say go for it. If living off green smoothies all week then stress-eating pop tarts and pizza at the weekend makes you happy, then do it.

If consuming three glasses of red wine on a Monday makes you zen and three bottles of champagne on a Saturday makes you happy, who cares?

As I see it, enjoy yourself without getting out of control, mind your own business, and so long as what you do doesn’t hurt or affect others, so long as you’re a good person and happy, I think you’re doing just fine.

January is no different to all the other months, it’s just people spraying their neg all over the place making the rest of us think it is. But if you do want to make a change ask yourself, why didn’t you want to make that change in December? I’m assuming it was because it wasn’t that important to you.

Enjoy your January, or as I call it, JOYuary. It’s almost as catchy as VEGanuary.

XO

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