Will I ever get my shit together?

Self Help | August 22, 2017 | By

Sometimes I think about this question; although it lasts only around 2 to 6 seconds and it’s usually caused by the fear (YOU CAN READ ABOUT THE FEAR HERE).

But, because it makes me think about the need to get my shit together for those few seconds, that’s a big deal for me; because I don’t really think about much very often.


These are some of the things I think:

I’m not 19, but I act it.

I constantly hang out with fck boys.

I drink too much.

I spend all my money on designer clothes, champagne and Ubers.

I have no savings.

I don’t want to get married but I also worry I’ll never get married and I’ll be blacklisted by society.

I want a puppy but I’m a shit mum.

Sometimes I put on weight and can’t wear crop tops.

I have weekly struggles with hair.

More people hate me than love me.

I’ll think about all these things and it’s obviously a very negative state of mind for me; so while I’m not all namaste and that, I’ll try and counter act it with some pros:


I do drink 2 litres of water a day.

I don’t actually like any of the fck boys that fck me around.

I don’t drink as much as my friends.

Lots of boys who I think are gross love me.

I eat a lot of raw spinach.

My smoothie game is very high.

I go to the gym.

I don’t have any tattoos I regret.

I don’t want to get married but I get proposed to a lot.

I’m the skinniest in my current friend circle.

I am THE fckin best at my job, no debating.

I’ve got great fckin stories.

More people love me than hate me.

You see, it’s very important to counter balance the negatives with some pros.

And then I take it a step further. In order to help you in case you feel any of those negatives, here’s some reasons why they really don’t fckin matter.

Having no savings

As the quote goes, there’s no point being the richest person in the graveyard. I mean it’s true, right?

Fck boys/having no boyfriend/only boys you hate loving you

It makes for great stories and your phone is always poppin’ because there is never a lack of douche to text-wind-up in the Uber home. In fact, I embrace the fck boys because they give me great abs from all the laughing.

Marriage and the 2.4 lifestyle

I’m sure that was great in the 70’s, and was fully encouraged. And yes, you were a spinster if you weren’t married with 2.4 kids. But that was before Tinder. I’m joking, but in all seriousness nobody gives a fck anymore if you’re not married; the reason is that the stats tell you most marriages end in divorce so everyone that was at it between their 20’s and 30’s will be divorced, poor and fat by the age of 40; just around the time you might consider settling down, skinny, without baggage. So you win.

Piss head

Ok, it’s not ideal to be drinking so much, but do we drink to forget? I drink for confidence, and because I know I don’t drink because of an urge I can quite happily avoid it. Unless you are drinking every night, in which case I would consider you evaluate the situation, I wouldn’t consider it a problem. No matter what my weeks consist of I will have two quiet days and on good weeks four. These are where I won’t touch a drop of drink. I’m hoping by 40 I’ll be over it and hardly ever drink.

Everybody hates me

Good. Let them hate. Taylor Swift was right, the haters are gonna hate. But Britney Spears was also right, we are stronger than yesterday. Never be under any illusion that everyone, and I mean everyone, says shitty things about you behind your back. But what Jane (it’s always a fckin Jane) says about Susan says more about Jane than it does Susan. I personally love taking the piss out of people, but I’d also happily do it to their faces, which is chic. And then I have a collection of people I simply would never speak poorly of, because I’ve grown up and it’s much cuter to hang out with people you don’t hate and don’t need to bitch about. And as for those I do think are dicks? Well, I don’t pretend I think they are anything other than the dicks they are.

In other news…

In other news, I’ll do a proper boy update soon about Hat Guy and the footballer, but I just wanted to add that I recently told the footballer I liked his avi. He opened the message, let me know he’d read it, and ignored it. Then, by the next day, he had changed his avi. Fck me I laughed. He’s a massive prick and that’s a lot of effort but it’s funny! Great work from him, it’s a real dick move. And I live for a dick move. I can’t wait to use that one myself.


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