1 + 1 + 1

Ever had a plus one in your relationship? I think we probably all have, so that’s the topic for today…

As with so many of my stories these days, I was told something in confidence. So I’ve turned it into a blog for us all to enjoy.

The story was about an on and off thing with a guy; usual story, where something is amiss. So I suggested to my friend she replied to his lack of commitment/interest, etc. with the following:

“Ahh you don’t rate me.”

And predictably what happened was that the silly fool panicked, over-texted, and in his over-texting we finally got to the bottom of it: he has a girlfriend. The little rat bastard.

At this point my friend bowed out cleanly, airing all his calls and removing him from all social media.

It was quiet for a whole year, since all avenues of communication had ceased. But, as with all great twentieth century love stories, she had a weak moment (caused by a procession of fck boys), unblocked him, and so it began – again.

Fast forward to now, and this guy rings her every day, he texts all the time, he Facetimes, he always wants to know what she’s up to, and he tells her everything.

But at weekends he would go quiet, as he would obviously be with his gf at those times. Then he received some bad news, some sad news. Like death an that. And he called her about it.

He was pouring all his emotions out to her, and as she was telling me I was like: “Wait? If you’re the side piece why do you have to listen to all this shit? Isn’t this the gf’s job?

What’s the gf doing? I wonder… Because my friend isn’t fckin this dude so that’s not even a thing. So what role is she? And if she’s that role, what role is the gf? I was so confused.

But clearly it seems to me that men need different roles fulfilled and perhaps that’s why they simply can not stick to just one woman.

So I’ve compiled a list of what a man requires (results of study based on feedback of just one man).

Man Requirements

Hot but not too hot

Wash cook clean

Make love on request

No morning breath

Big breasts but not too big

No teeth in blow jobs

Dark hair but light in summer but dark again when I say

Lady in the street, freak in the bed

Forthcoming with phone passwords

Relaxed when I go through your dms

So here we can see that the requirements are… well, quite frankly, fckin ridiculous and not achievable in any way. But they’re also hilarious. One thinks this particular study subject watches too many movies.

So how pray tell are we to be everything they want us to be, since no woman anywhere is any of those things?

This. I’ve decided is why we can can expect a plus one. Because we may be hot af, but dead inside, so the man will go elsewhere for someone to talk all that boring emotional shit to.

Do we just have to accept that? Probably… but the fck we will. 

The real question as a woman though, is what do we want?

Let’s find out tomorrow. Maybe we should have two guys, which I already do anyway…