10 cringe selfies you just wouldn’t want to be taking

Because I’m considering a nose job, I often take a full face selfie and just send it to my therapist with the caption: “Sure?” (She insists I don’t need one but I don’t buy it)

It’s just what I do on the regular. Anyway, they aren’t the kind of selfies I’d ever show to you… Or well, anyone that isn’t my therapist. You know?

But it kind of got me to thinking about the wonder that is the selfie. And it is a wonder. It even has its own category in the iPhone photo album. So it’s clearly a thing, and a thing that isn’t gonna fck off anytime soon.

Where did it begin?

Well presumably it was when Apple invented the front camera. Let’s be real here, they invent everything. And what with the world being brimming with self-indulgent narcissists, it was clearly soon to take off.

How did it take off?

Well that’s another obvious one. Who doesn’t want to take pictures of themselves every five seconds to see what they look like? A cheeky check of your face if you don’t have a mirror handy? BOOM! Job done. Everyone, no matter what, will have at some point used their front camera. And that’s where it all begins. It’s all downhill from there, and before you know it, you’re a selfie whore.

10 cringe selfies you just wouldn’t want to be taking

But selfie whore or not, there’s still moments in life when it’s just totally cringe to think you should take a few seconds out of your life to capture yourself a selfie. So without further ado, here are 10 of those times:

1. With a dolphin in captivity


Well you’re just ill for even going anywhere near a place like that. And just because the dolphin looks like he’s smiling at you, he thinks you’re a dick, just like everyone else.

2. At a funeral next to the coffin


It’s weird to do this of course, mainly because your makeup would look like shit. The only time it’s OK is if it’s an open casket and you were married to the dead person and he was really old and you were really young and you had just got married and he was a millionaire and had just changed his will to leave you everything before dying moments later. Then, it’s ok to get a selfie next to his face. It’s important in fact.

3. Holding a big bottle of clear liquid in a night club


Who cares? It doesn’t make you look cool uno? Wow a big bottle of Belvedere or Grey Goose? Are you rich? No, you’re not. Because the rich don’t take selfies that suggest to people they might be rich, you see they really don’t want people to know they are rich. Amateur mistake.

4. Naked in the bed of someone you don’t know the next morning


There’s a lot of these kinds of photos online, and they all have one thing in common. The people in the pictures are all ratchet. You never see attractive couples doing this. Go figure.

5. If you’re a man strapped to another man falling from an airplane on a sky dive


#sobrave well done fella. What you gonna do next? Your mate there gonna hold your dick while you go to the toilet?

6. Next to a drugged up tiger


In a similar situation to that of the dolphin, the tiger thinks you are a dick. And guess what? The intelligence of the people who capture the tigers and pump them full of drugs to enable you to get your little selfie are so mentally challenged that they probably fcked up the drugging and the tiger will most likely snap out of it in a second and display exactly what he feels about you.

7. Next to a cliff


People have actually died doing this. But if it’s a suicide selfie then I guess it’s ok. It wouldn’t be my choice. But live and let die, as they say.

8. On a first date, with the date

Getting a photo of our first date

Not only can you not go public with a joint selfie on a first date, this also applies to the first month, the first sexual experience, actually pretty much ever. Yeah you might like the person a lot, you might even be in love with them, but posting a joint selfie with them is the modern day equivalent of entering into a Facebook relationship. It’s not done. People cringe at it. And it’s a sure fire certainty that it’s getting deleted in a matter of weeks. Sadness personified.

9. When you pretend that you have #nomakeup #nofilter on


No filter? I need a filter for all your bullshit.

10. Next to a car which you don’t own


That yours, fella? I have literally no words.

Make sure you do better at selfies. Competition is fierce, and I’m all for innovation in selfies, but by partaking in any of the aforementioned, you’ve just placed yourself firmly on the sad side of the party.