10 things I hate about Christmas

I spend Christmas alone, and that’s the only thing I love about it so don’t feel sorry for me (just kidding, please do).

My Christmas Day goes like this:

I travel to a lonely, dark and cold room and sit alone listening to music for four hours in the morning.

Then I go home and drink alone and Facetime my friends who are forced to go home to visit family, but who hate it so they get really drunk and spend the evening on the phone to me. It’s a tradition. Cute.

Anyway before I became a sad act at Christmas, I used to actually love it. I would dress up every year for serious. Here’s some of my looks:

Toni

But now the most exciting aspect of Christmas for me is when I personally debate whether Pot Noodle are gonna bring out a “turkey and stuffing” flavoured noodle pot.

Guys at noodle pot: Seriously you are missing a trick here guys? It’s like you’ve put no thought whatsoever into us loners at Christmas? If you brought out a turkey pot noodle I could have that for lunch alone in my pants whilst crying at an animated film on the telly. Basically Pot Noodle have thus far ruined Christmas.

(They did in 2010, it was not great. You weren't alone in 2010 so you wouldn't have known about it - ed)

(They did in 2010, it was not great. You weren’t alone in 2010 so you wouldn’t have known about it – ed)

Anyway, for those in my boat. While everyone else is loving Christmas and all the good things about it. Let’s talk about the things we hate and that are bad about it all.

It shall be called:

It’s Christmas’ fault

1. Early Money

You get paid so early in December that the whole of your January is fcked. You’re literally eating 9p noodles for the last two weeks of January, unable to go out.

Beggar

It’s Christmas’ fault.

2. Fat Prick

You put on weight. Whether it be from pigs in blankets or booze, you will put on weight, you will get fat. I don’t make the rules, it’s not my fault.

Pig

It’s Christmas’ fault.

3. Tears Before Bed Time

You’ll cry. I don’t know what at? Lost loved ones? ‘Marley & Me’ being on TV? Or perhaps it will be because Christmas is the one time that person who’s been fcking you about all year can apologise and send you a lovely message/present/their dick in a box using Christmas as an excuse. Except they won’t. So you might end up crying over that. Either way you’ll cry.

Crying at Christmas

It’s Christmas’ fault.

4. Social Media Becomes Even More Thrilled With Itself Than Usual

You can’t go on Twitter or Instagram. All the chuffed, family gathering pictures will make you jealous, as will the proposals. The plates of disgusting looking food piled unnecessarily high will make you vom, especially when paired with the caption ‘nom nom’ etc… You’ll have to avoid it, which we know is boring as social takes up 78% of our days (not actual stat). Social is, however, off limits for the day.

So happy

So happy

It’s Christmas’ fault.

5. Inspirational Christmas Quotes From Enlightened Thinkers Like Marilyn Monroe and Jordan

Deep

Deep

Inspirational quotes will be everywhere in the coming weeks. Unhappy people who are putting all of their eggs in the 2016 basket will be on blog destruction. It’s more depressing to actually watch, than how depressed these posting people actually are. I will go into this further at a later date. But seriously, inspirational quotes by the manic depressives everywhere you look?

It’s Christmas’ fault.

6. Back to the Hood of Things

Having to go to the hometown you busted out of at the first opportunity is simply no good (I’m lucky I don’t have to do this one). Many people receive a summons back to the family home, and that part of it is fine. But if you’re there for a few days you’ll end up visiting the local haunts from your younger years. Here you will meet all the people that you were at school with who decided that doing nothing with their lives was the way forward. You will have to pretend that you are interested in “what happened down the Wetherspoon’s last night…” and, although you are successful and they have eight kids and are seriously lacking in anything of appeal to you, you will suddenly think you are one of them and will be on the verge of ending things until you snap out of it and get the first train back to London immediately. See ya sad sacks!

Why?

Why?

It’s Christmas’ fault.

7. Shit Gifts

You will have to home a plethora of unwanted crap (again not one I’ll have to worry about because I won’t be getting a single gift from anyone). I remember the olden days when I would return to my house from the family home with six bags of useless crap I had no space for – or any need for. My fridge would be overflowing with leftovers because my mum would worry I don’t eat, dishes (that need to be returned) covered in clingfilm, the pressure of housing loads of extra shit in your tiny flat is frankly overwhelming.

"Oh you got me a light. Thanks that's so great."

“Oh you got me a light. Thanks that’s so great.”

It’s Christmas’s fault.

8. STD Season

You’ll probably cheat on your partner and catch an STD on Xmas Eve. Most people do. Actually, Christmas Eve is the most fun of all of Christmas. Going out and getting fully trashed with your friends, eating from a kebab shop at 2am and having a one-night stand with the kebab shop owner. Is this one just me? Nah, surely not. In my early 20’s me and my brother would go out every Christmas Eve (separately, but it was a small town) and proceed to ruin Christmas by arriving at our parent’s house hungover/still drunk, obnoxious and loud before crashing for an afternoon nap. Christmas ruined? Check. I’d have also probably cheated on my boyfriend if I’d enlisted one for the Xmas period and would have to act like everything was OK in front of him and my family even though everyone knew about it, including him. But it was a Christmas Eve tradition. I know it’s nothing to be proud of.

Who's the itchy one out?

Who’s the itchy one out?

It’s Christmas’ fault.

9. Music is Unbearable

Music becomes rubbish. All the good artists check out so they don’t release anything. We are left with the same 10 songs on repeat, interspersed with Christmas songs. Five of the said 10 songs will be huge songs from the end of the year, the other five will be tripe. Don’t you find that as you get older Wham’s “Last Christmas” loses its appeal? It seems like you only heard it two months ago, and you’ll want to cut your ears off. In fact you may even do that.

Time's up. It's not cool anymore. It's over.

Time’s up. It’s not cool anymore. It’s over.

It’s Christmas’ fault.

10. Lying to Kids

I don’t really care about lying to kids. But each year some little shit kid of my mum’s friend for that year would be at my parent’s house running around all chuffed with its new skateboard or whatever it got off Santa. And its delight in comparison to my feelings of a newly acquired STD and headache were an unsuitable combination. I would grab the kid, drag it into a private area and say “You know Santa? It’s just your dad mate, he ain’t real.” When the kid cried and ran to its mum telling on me I would just say I can’t abide lying to kids and go up to bed for a quick nap.

"I ain't real I'm just your dad dressed up. How do you feel about that?"

“I ain’t real I’m just your dad dressed up. How do you feel about that?”

It’s Christmas’ fault.

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