17 tips for how not to deal with a break up
In the last year I’ve seen some amazing meltdowns as a result of break ups, and they’ve actually all been from much older people (I think I’ll use 25 as a jumping off point, but some of my cases in point are actually 40 plus).
I mean, it’s just been grown ups on total blog self-destruction. Now, as hilarious as I find it and everyone else finds it, I just want to make sure you never fall foul of this public black hole for dignity, as you’re cool. My cases in point – are not.
We’ve all had break ups. Well, I’ve only had one I got messed up about and that led me directly to alcohol, but I was very young. Now I’ve trained myself to have no feelings in the relationship, let alone when it ends.
At this time my only social media channel was Facebook. I was pretty popular on Facebook in the old days because I was a lunatic. I left Facebook a few years ago, I do now have a page for lostitgirl.com with a whole five likes (told you I was popular), although in my defence I couldn’t give a fck. The blue f gives me anxiety anyway. Facebook is for mums and dads now.
Now, with all these social media platforms, how you deal with a break up has never been more important.
Here are the rules
1. Do not over tweet or over Instagram.
2. Do not insta the same pic twice. I can’t believe I even have to tell people that.
3. Do not jump into a new relationship within a week then unashamedly promote this every hour on Twitter. It’s horrendously psychotic.
4. No inspirational quotes. Please. And this is really forever, but especially stay clear of inspirational quotes during a break up. It screams melt down. Just text that quote to your ex if you must.
5. Never instawhore more than twice a day (unless you are let’s say at something cool like a gig or festival. But really just get on with enjoying yourself, so yeah two a day max). This is an insta rule full stop, but it’s more important during your “difficult” time.
6. Never put a bikini picture up if you are NOT on holiday. I repeat: Do NOT put a bikini picture up if you are: a) indoors, b) in the UK, c) not that hot. Also, not even as a throwback. It’s non-cute psycho.
7. Don’t go on a sort spree. This is when they follow or add a bunch of hot people in bulk. Your ex won’t see this. Your ex is cool (I know this because they’re not the one having the public melt down) and everyone else knows what you’re doing.
8. This one is a classic. A tweet like “IM HAVING SO MUCH FUN OH GOD LAUGHING SO HARD”
yet nobody tagged in it (where’s ya pals? And they didn’t share the joke? Please don’t do that.
You’re clearly indoors on your own watching YouTube clips of cats. Or maybe goats, in which case fair enough as they are fckin geniuses.
9. If somebody asks how you are – and they will because you sound mental – do NOT reply with any personal details. Keep that laundry in the basket.
10. Do not change your avi every three to four hours. Personally, I’ve had the same avi on Twitter and insta since day dot (no you ain’t, and them brows need changing by now anyway – ed). Do it on your what’s app, it’s personal and the ex should by then be blocked so that’s fine, but don’t change your avi on Facebook, Twitter, whatever.
11. Do not be so desperate for attention that you find yourself blogging pics of food. Oh god. Nom nom? I hate you.
12. Do not put a “no make-up selfie” and say “no make-up” or “no filter”, because we all need a filter for your bullshit.
13. In fact just stop filtering the fck out of your face in general. You are the biggest disappointment when met in real life.
14. Also do not post no make-up selfies when you’re over 35.
15. Song lyrics. Oh god. FS. Feel free to post a song or a pic of what you’re listening to. So long as it isn’t some soppy heart break shit.
16. As you reach the different stages of your break up (there are seven, Google it) – when anger hits, do not blast your ex. Again I stress: they won’t see it, you’re the sad side of the party and they are the cool, they may look in the first few weeks yeah, but I can promise you come week three, they ain’t gonna be looking.
17. And here’s one I doubt you’ll have to deal with/do which is a shame because it gives you the biggest buzz at winning at life, but if you’re the one doing it you’re highly unstable. Do not TROLL. If you ever ever ever create a fake account to troll, you are in a very serious situation with quite severe mental circumstances that require professional consultation. You can section yourself easily now, just call NHS Direct for details.
Njoi your break up, stay off social, you’ve never been so skinny and you’re at your best and at your skinniest. Keep it chic on social, then what I like to do is work my way through all their friends. So fun.
Happy breaking up