21 great excuses to get out of a relationship
After I very recently got packed, I’ve decided to write about how not and how to break up with someone. And then we can finish today’s lesson with 21 great excuses on how to get out of a relationship.
For starters, to break up with a human, you first must have entered into a relationship. Unfortunately this was a critical element sadly absent from my dumping experience, but it is imperative that you don’t just go around breaking up with people you’re not actually going out with. It’s a bit weird.
If you are in a relationship with someone – and this counts even if you’ve only hooked up with someone three times. Say what you want, but this is indeed considered a relationship of sorts – and if you want out, here’s some pointers for the execution of the dumping:
Don’t do it in public. It’s not fair if the other person hasn’t had time to plan a suitable outfit to be binned off in.
Don’t do it abroad.
Don’t do it when the other person is drunk.
Don’t don’t do it via text, but what’s app is fine.
Don’t go cold for NO reason. Give the reason. Man up and do the “hey I’m not ready for commitment/getting back with ex/met someone else,” whatever, just make it up. But tell it. I’ve written some goodbye texts underneath that should help.
No parting gifts. It’s insulting. I was once sent a pair of shoes as an “I’m done with you now”, it made me feel terrible, well, it made me feel great because I liked the shoes. But once I realised they were a big “I’m done with you” gift, it made me feel shit.
Do give a parting gift of an std if they were a **** to you during your relationship. It’s the best “toodle-pip asshole” you can give.
Here’s some handy excuses to get you out of a relationship. Feel free to use any of these:
21 Great excuses
1. “I had a dream you had a spray tan, now I can’t look at you.”
2. “I dislike the music you play. It’s not going to work out.”
3. “It’s because my sibling hates you.” This is fine, nobody can argue with that.
4. “I had a lesbian fling and turns out I’m lesbian.” Have a draft reply of “No, you can’t watch. It’s non-sexual and real love.” immediately ready.
5. “God spoke to me when I was straightening my hair and told me to finish with you.”
6. “My spirit animal thinks you’re a dick.”
7. “Will you marry me?”
8. “If you love something, set it free. I’m setting you free.”
9. “You hate Britney.”
10. “You got your feet under the table too soon.”
11. “Your summer wardrobe offended me.”
12. “I met a hotter, richer version of you.”
13. “I’m pregnant. It’s yours.”
14. “I hooked up with your dad.”
15. “You coughed during the Kardashians.”
16. “Your aura is green, it clashes with mine.”
17. “I fcked (insert name of their best friend), bye.”
18. “I cut off some of your hair when we slept and sent it to a lab. It’s come back we are related.”
19. “I just feel you don’t ‘understand my needs’. My needs are to adopt five Guatemalan babies.”
20. Use someone else’s phone and have a text sent saying that you’re in a coma/rehab. (Note: you need to be prepared to take three months off work if you use this one)
21. Hire a doctor to give you a full body cast, selfie yourself, and tell them you’ll be like this for four years, and that they have needs so they shouldn’t wait for you.
Failing that, have sex for one last time and cry. This will never not work. Not silent sex crying, I mean full on wailing.
I’ve used all of these and they’ve all worked.
Happy breaking up.
LostItGirl – Making breakups alright actually.