A guide to the festivals

LostItGirl guides you through a selection of the UK’s festivals. Not all of them, as there’s far too many and loads of them are shit. But these are ones that quite a few people go to.

Once I went on a UK tour of pretty much all the festivals (worth going to) for work. It was all paid for, I got to stay in a hotel near each site, and all I had to do was talk to a few bands and DJ’s with a microphone and get them to say good stuff, which is easy for me.

I then had to review each festival and tell the people listening all about what a great time I’d had. I’d usually have sex with most of the bands afterwards so I’d normally had a really good time anyway, hence my reviews (as you’ll notice) weren’t actually based on any lies.

Anyway the story of that festival year would be a totally different blog, but it was a pretty decent year that one.

I’ve also been known to DJ at a few, and I also once even went to one festival as a non-VIP (which I’ll literally never do again). I consider myself to be pretty good at festivals. I could probably write a book on my festival experiences, and by ‘book’ I mean pamphlet, and by ‘probably’ I mean I couldn’t.

So instead I’ll just do a small, innocent blog post about some of the festivals on offer.

Wireless

Wireless

Let’s start with Wireless. It’s in North London where I live and it’s a complete shit show of a festival.

Last year, because I wasn’t drunk I’ll be honest I was scared for my safety. Had I been pissed or on Valium I probably wouldn’t have cared at the time but a load of kids broke in and a lot of fights kicked off. I’m sure that won’t happen this year though. London’s so much safer now.

My imaginary boyfriend Future is going, so I am totally attending. Plus so are Boy Better Know (BBK), a label started by Skepta and his brother to release their grime shit. They then somehow managed to sign Drake (he was their mate), and in doing so also landed themselves a licence to print money. They’ll probably bring out Drake at the festival. It’s going to be a fckin riot so I’ll put in my Xanax order now.

There’s some total cringe on the line up, mixed with hood, mixed with DJ’s like Kygo and Calvin Harris. I’m going to go, and depending on how nice they are to me depends upon the review. Watch this space.

Glasto

Glasto

I’m allowed to call it Glasto because I’ve been and also I’ve been and DJ’d there. You, on the other hand, cannot. You have to call it Glastonbury.

It’s massive. I’ve luckily never been lost there as I’m constantly surrounded by people who never let me out of their sight. It’s clingy I know, buts it’s what I’m used to so it doesn’t bother me anymore. You’ll probably get lost at one point and walk around calling out for your friends. It’s normal to do this so don’t worry. What’s happened here is that they’ve probably just dumped you because you’re annoying.

It’s best to just make some more friends and stop texting and sending the incessant Facebook messages. They ditched you, you move on. Adele and Coldplay are playing this year and will make everyone cry (tears of boredom – ed). Trust me, after a full weekend of drinking and drugging people will be all up in their feelings and begin crying. Luckily, the signal is so super shit they won’t be able to text any exes exclaiming that they ‘miss them’, or worse leave a voicemail of Adele singing “I tried to call a million times, I miss you bae” or whatever the lyric is.

I’m not going, but you should totally go at least once in your life. So maybe this year? Just don’t fckin cry and embarrass me.

Bestival

Bestival

I’ve been to this one the most times of all of the UK festivals. It’s fun going somewhere that needs a little boat in order to get to it. Although it’s not so much fun on the way back.

It’s a total sellout festival. It started small and cool and got super big and commercial so “Rob filled Da Bank”. Can you blame him? Nope. I’d do exactly the same. Bravo Rob.

Anyway they do have quite an eclectic mix of people, which I like. You see I’m firmly of the view that variety is the spice of life. It’s a term that isn’t shared as much as it used to be, say 20 years ago. And I think that’s a point worth thinking about.

They’ll do a big urban headliner and a huge indie band, and then they’ll take the piss with someone like Rolf Harris (awkward) or the Chuckle Brothers or some shit. They do put on a lot of novelty acts actually, probably more novelty acts than credible ones judging by the names I’m looking at as I write this.

Anyway I doubt I’ll go here either. I like to go to Dubai in September because it’s a lot chicer. Plus once I pissed myself at Bestival, so it’s kinda put me off.

V Festival

V

V is for you if you love pop. I only went once and it can’t have had much of an impact on me because I cannot for the life of me think who I even saw play there.

But that happens with me. I’ve been everywhere once so how can I be expected to remember everything? Maybe the festival needs to make itself more memorable, or maybe it’s my problem, but I doubt that.

The headliners this year are Justin Bieber and Rihanna, so it’s probably totally worth going. In fact, I actually might. That’s a strong couple of headliners and I’d love to either watch whilst silent screaming, or watch really nonchalantly as if I don’t care, but inside I’m fully losing my shit.

It really depends on what mood I’m in as to how I would react. Anyway thus far they haven’t invited LostItGirl to attend or even DJ for all the coked up VIPs backstage. I find this to be dull.

So it looks like I’m not going to any of these festivals, except maybe Wireless because I refuse to go anywhere that isn’t VIP. So I’ll wait to see who invites me where and if at all, and then I’ll review them.

I just wanted to help you out with a few options, and basically those would be my picks.

If you’re going to a festival this summer, be careful and don’t piss yourself.

XOXO LIG

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