A LostItGirl’s Christmas
First thing’s first, a true LostItGirl must pack up one’s favourite belongings and swiftly have them delivered over to the nearest 5 star hotel.
Until I have my own family home that I can adorn in over the top Christmas decorations (and I don’t live in rented accommodation), until that day (never) happens I will always set up home in a 5 star hotel for the holiday period, complete with spa.
Usually I spend Christmas alone for a variety of reasons, but this was at the last minute not to be the case this year, which had the potential to be completely torturous, but kinda turned out fine!
So naturally I spent the whole of Christmas Eve in the spa and drunk and I don’t really remember much about it. But I will say, Christmas Eve is THE best part of Christmas, and though I don’t remember much about it I can assure you I had a great time.
I was up super early on Christmas Day – not from excitement – from a necessity to get up and sit in a room listening to music dressed as an elf.
Cute? I think so.
Then I went back to my temporary home after being given lots of surprise presents that had been left for me in my music room.
I had a swim and a steam and sauna and felt a million bucks and ready to crack open bottle number one of champagne.
Here’s my Christmas Day outfit:
I had lunch at the Savoy. It was a six-course dinner. This number of courses is a VERY stressful event for me. All those plates of food arriving with seemingly no end in sight.
The truth is I ate none of it. I was getting far too sideways on bottle number two of champagne and my grandiose settings and company to have any interest in food. This is how the table looked:
Can’t I just take selfies in fckin peace?
Gordon Ramsay is just a man who is also the chef of the restaurant in the Savoy. He was on the table behind me. Of course I was unaware of this because I literally notice nothing. The only reason it was brought to my attention was because I was taking pictures of myself, and the family he was sat with were hoping I was actually trying to get photos of them under the guise of taking photos of myself. Idiots. Like as if.
Apparently they kept looking around at me and saying stuff. The irony of this is hilarious because seriously as if I would have any interest in:
a) a minor celebrity
b) some family eating dinner
c) anybody involved in the food industry
I found it to be very narcissistic of them to presume I would be trying to take pictures of them. I’m fully aware of the irony of me saying this despite the fact I was sat taking photos of myself all through lunch. Like who’s the narcissistic one here?
TBH they were probably staring over because the volume of my voice turns to 100 after bottle number three of champagne. My arms begin flailing around loosely like I’m on a roller coaster having a great time.
I liked this story. But actually I know why they were looking over, and it was because we were on the cool side of the party and were like way more chicer, while they were on the sad side of the party. But that’s not as fun, so I’m not gonna tell you that.
I shagged Drake
This reminds me of that one time I was in a nightclub about three years ago and I made out with Drake. I’ve never even told anyone and I never even took visuals because I really don’t feel the need/have any interest in it. I also gave him the wrong number because I thought he was a total bedwetter. I regret that now, but hey… Anyway I digress.
Being stared at and talked about was such a buzz. It was like an extra Christmas present on top of the one the Savoy had already got for me. So cute. They actually got me a fluffy key ring that I already own, but even so, thanks. I hate it.
It was somewhat comforting to know the owner of the restaurant was actually eating in the restaurant. I liked knowing that in case I was at any point going to eat anything (I didn’t).
Anyway, I thought my behaviour was fine. The place was so rammed and everyone was enjoying themselves and being loud.
After a lunch I didn’t eat it was time to find a really public place to Face Time my brother and friends in Dubai. Because I knew it would be loud and hilarious, maximum public attention for such an event was required. Remember what I have told here about how it’s ok to be a complete asshole around Christmas?
Oh my gosh. It was the funniest Face Time Christmas party ever. It’s really only one of those “had to be there” things though, so I’ll just tell you it was awesome and move on.
After that I swam and had a steam room tipsy. Which is truly awesome. I fully recommend it, especially if unaccompanied by an adult.
Here I am reading 1 of 28 texts that I was going to ignore because they weren’t personalised.
Then it was on to red wine and a mini hotel room party.
I had a truly brilliant Christmas Day and I hope you did too. Just kidding, I don’t care. But if I see you I’ll probably do that customary “did you have a nice Christmas?” thing before switching off to think about Britney Spears or what I’m gonna wear the next day while you harp on about the tin of Quality Streets you ate.
See you around, yeah?