A tragic tale

So over here in the UK you can now merge two households into one. It’s great for me, because now I can merge my vagina with the contents of another household. Shout goes out to Boris. With that news I immediately decided to pay a visit to Mr Sunroof. He’s called that because his car has a sunroof. It confused me I had no idea sunroofs were still a thing in cars made post-1978.

Lockdown hasn’t made people any nicer

He picked me up and it was a hot day, so the sunroof was fully open. I launched myself half out of the sunroof and sung a hit chart song on the drive back to his. I didn’t really, I just sat quietly because I’m sure he already hates me, and at no time do I ever wish to make this more prevalent.

He never laughs at any of my jokes so I no longer make them, and when I accidentally allow myself to be myself (loud, annoying (he calls this my “electric side”)) I can see that it irks him, so I mute it. He’s very much of the view that a woman should be seen and not heard.

I know it sounds astonishing that I would entertain this but sometimes I like the quiet, and sometimes I’ve spoken so much all day I just want to stfu and not speak, so it suits me just fine.

He took me for a bike ride and I did some bike acrobatics. This was probably too much fun for him, but actually he did film it so I could show it to my friends on social media.

It was a nice evening, and then we went back to his and that was also super nice. We watched a movie and I was half asleep (quietly) on him and he was doing that thing guys do when they kiss your forehead which indicates they actually like you. I found this to be odd, because he doesn’t.

And here’s where we fully understand that fact:

Fault 1: I have no control of my body when asleep

When I woke up his first words to me were:

“Do I have a black eye?”

I knew what his next words would be before I even thought to respond… I can just read him like a cheap out of date magazine in the local STI clinic.

“No,” I replied with eye roll.

“Oh I’m surprised with the elbow I took in the face last night…”

How boring. Really, if anyone is bringing up your behaviour when asleep it’s really fckin dumb. I say this advisedly, but also nobody ever has confronted me with this before…

Except him once upon a time previously. He is the one that told me I’d not hugged him in my sleep so obviously I don’t like him. He was right tbh, but I don’t think calling out someone for their sleep behaviour is required since the other person has no clue what you’re talking about.

It’s similar to my other pet hate which is when someone brings up what you did when you were pissed out of your face. Again, I wasn’t “actually” there, so please leave me alone.

Fault 2: I don’t dry my feet before leaving the shower

My faults were now coming thick and fast… It is despicable monster behavior, admittedly, but he told me: “You don’t dry your feet before stepping out of the shower.”

I was like, “Erm no but isn’t that why we have a shower mat?”

Fault 3: I managed to make water come out the side of the shower

LIG: “Erm, it’s a few splashes because your stupid shower’s shit mate. And anyway, it’s a bathroom, it’s designed to have water in it, no?”

Fault 4: I don’t decant the toothpaste out in an orderly fashion

Listen, his toothpaste tube was what can best be described as the endz. I don’t do that bunched up squeezed together mangled thug thing some people do, I’m not too sure what I did wrong here actually.

Fault 5: You never put the towel back straight

LIG: “I forgot my ruler you bastard.”

After I had properly adhered to the strict bathroom rules and took my ass out of there, I said to him: “The only cute thing you ever did for me was make me a green tea, what happened today? You’re sending me home to my mother unfed and watered.”

He did indeed make me a green tea to drink in bed in the older days, but this was now beyond him. He just shrugged and mumbled something about how he definitely wouldn’t make me one now.

When we left the house he asked me if I wanted anything from the local cafe. “No,” I said. Just get me a green tea you fckin moron, you didn’t need to ask me. After the cafe where no green tea appeared, we pulled in to a garage and he asked if I’d “like to get in that Starbucks queue?”

I said no, I don’t drink coffee because it gives you cellulite and heart palpitations. He then asked if I’d “like a fresh orange juice?”

From a Shell fckin garage? No thanks.

He said: “It’s fresh they make it every day”

Yeah somewhere in a factory I’m sure they do make it every day and then just pour it into some Tupperware out especially for idiots who think they can get something nutritious from a service station.

I just wanted a green tea as I sat there quietly scrolling through Hinge looking for someone better whilst he ran about like American Psycho.

Eventually he asked me: “What’s wrong?”

I replied: “Nothing.”

Because nothing was wrong, he is unkind, mean and furious with me and nothing I do could ever change that. Once, my brother told me: “there’s a combination of words that exists, which, if used in the right order can resolve anything…” but with him I think the only way to bring resolution is to correctly order the words “fck” and “off”.

I’ve stopped being myself, I’ve toned down my personality and I put up with this shit. Something is clearly not right.

The conclusion of this sorry-assed tale is that if a guy doesn’t at all look after you when you’re at his house, he absolutely doesn’t care. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dumped a guy for helping himself to a glass of water at mine before. And it would be fine if he just dumped me for all my many faults.

Sadly, he wore me down with his repeated teachings on how to adhere to his ideals, before later that evening stress-texting me once he’d realised he’d probably been a bit of a dick.

Will he change? No never.

Will I see him again? I plead the fifth.