Bad Openers

Recently, and I don’t know why, I’ve been going through this phase where I’ve not been telling every single guy that talks to me to “Go fck yourself.”

I’ve been much more open to giving guys a chance. I don’t know why, but maybe it’s because I’m realising I’m no spring chicken and that perhaps it isn’t all that shit having a significant other. Although I’d like them to be not that significant. Like twice weekly or some shit. But we could totally text everyday.

Or maybe it was when me, my brother Dan and my friend Kat were lying on the sun loungers in Dubai, I was loving life in my Tramadol head, and Dan said: “LostItGirl, do you think you’ll ever get a boyfriend?”

And my response without missing a beat, despite this question coming out of the blue, was: “No, it would have happened by now, plus I’m a total **** so it’s highly unlikely and wouldn’t be fair to the poor guy anyway.”

Whatever, the point is I’m not totally against letting guys have a chance at the moment.

Big mistake.

Guy One

The first guy I allowed to grab some air time with me was at a party. I stumbled into him towards the end of the night. Once totally wavy and with a run in my tights, I allowed him to talk to me. My recollection of this is pretty vague but I do know I kept asking him if he was gay. Because at this point I’d lost all my friends, I also allowed him and his friend to drive me home. Perhaps you’d think this was foolish but one of them was in a musical group and the other one worked for a record label, so I knew I was safe. Not that people in those jobs are less likely to be psychopaths, quite the opposite in fact, I just mean I was safe in knowing that I’d be able to fck up their lives much easier if they dare tried to fck with me.

Anyway it all turned out OK, I was safely dropped off at home and when I was asked if they could come in for a cup of tea… Lol at 5am? And me making a tea? No fella that’s not gonna happen. Like ever. And off I flounced after putting my number in his phone.

The next morning he asked how I was doing as he knew I was up for work. We had some pretty average chat before he made a joke that was super shit. So I ignored.

Maybe a day later he began a new conversation and he must have caught me in a good mood because I replied. It was some bang average chat, before he made a second shit joke. Well that was it for me. I was out of this one. So I slagged him off to all my mates and I forgot about it.

But this one wasn’t going away easily.

He came back again for a third attempt, but kind of impressed me with his chat so we talked for a bit. I told him I was off to Dubai and he said he was off to the States for two weeks the day I got back. He said I’d have forgotten him by the time he got back, I was like “Mate I’m having trouble placing you right now.”

Once I was in Dubai he sent two messages that I didn’t bother opening because the one I could see said: “Are you having a nice time? Relaxing?”

I didn’t open it because the relaxing bit creeped me the fck out. Who talks like that? So I slagged him off to my mates.

Then my mate wanted visuals so it meant opening the WhatsApp to check out his picture. It’s good she did though because unbeknown to me the first message I couldn’t originally see was actually very funny. I was impressed and we ended up messaging for a time. He’s not in the country now so we’ll see what happens, but I’ve decided if nothing better comes along in the next two weeks I’m actually going to meet up with him when he’s back. Most unlike me. But as I said, I’m giving guys a chance.

Guy Two

And now for the very poor opener and the main reason I usually tell guys to go fck themselves. This is now to be a case in point and a lesson to everyone on how not to behave when given a fit person’s phone number. Pay attention.

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*this is a real life screenshot of a text. The name has been scrawled out in order to stop any suing and to let this poor guy have some semblance of dignity.

I met the guy once and we spoke for approximately four minutes. I recall he was pretty fit. I don’t remember being that into him but I gave him my number anyway because I didn’t hate him. I know he didn’t annoy me so I gave him it because it was on the way out and we were leaving and I was feeling nice in my Tramadol haze.

It was a mistake when I woke up to that essay of bullshit. If you need to use about six things as a reminder of who you are, you’re probably not that memorable and didn’t have that much of an impact on the person so it’s best to start working on your personality immediately. Also, look at the time gaps between those messages. Do you think that seems sane? If you do, go have yourself committed.

Now sadly for this guy the story wasn’t to end there. No way. He wasn’t done with WhatsApp. He wasn’t finished yet. This dude took it to iMessage to really drive home what a total bedwetter he is. These came through after he had sent the WhatsApps. This is not ok behaviour.

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I couldn’t have made this shit up. This guy is a total tradge and nothing will ever help him. He is destined to be alone forever, just constantly texting people he maybe brushed passed once and thought they had a “spark”. He’d use words like spark I can tell. I got all those messages without so much as replying even once. Could you imagine if I’d spent 38 minutes with him and given him my best bantz? I imagine if I had, I’d have one of his ears turning up in the post by now. This guy is a grade A lunatic. Don’t be this guy.


Your openers are very important. Because you only get one shot at a first impression.

Goodbye.

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