Barbie Got Fat

It’s political correctness gone mad, and what’s more, it’s my worst fckin nightmare come true. They’ve made Barbie fat.

OK before you lose your shit, I’m not fatist – I can’t be I have lots of fat friends. I personally don’t give a FCK if you’re a fat, skinny, rotund, chubby, or a tubby shithouse. Be what you want to be, it’s your life, your prerogative and your weight story, and whatever it may be will have no affect on my life. So yeah, go for it.

What I dislike about Barbie being fat is that Barbie isn’t fat. She’s been super skinny and hot for many years, and she’s worked so hard. Yes, she can’t hold down a job, which is a bit weird. She’s been a nurse, a vet, a pop star, a business woman, gynaecologist, she worked on the waltzers and I think I even saw her smoking out the back of McDonald’s in her uniform once, but all of those things are very hard jobs.

She met a nice guy and popped out a couple of kids, all the while holding down numerous jobs and driving a plastic pink sports car. That’s her story, that’s her journey. Why are we changing it??

Also, it’s a pretty fckin great story – I’d be happy with that as my own. The message Barbie used to spread is that it’s an idea to look after yourself. It’s a difficult point to argue with. Why shouldn’t we all look after ourselves? Let us all try to look nice for ourselves (not for a guy, for ourselves), work hard, meet a guy, have a family. Cool. Sounds like a nice life with a positive outcome.

Let’s Rewrite the Bible Next!

Imagine if someone picked up the Bible and rewrote it and made Jesus into a wanker or even a GIRL. Or Mary actually had sex with the guy that delivered the frankincense and it turns out it wasn’t God who was the dad? You know what I mean? (I do not – ed) I mean you can’t rewrite history. People would go batshit crazy.

Barbie is a toy, not a religion. But she has probably had a more profound impact on girls of a certain age than the church ever has (1 billion Barbies sold worldwide, 2 billion apparent Christians of which 980 million are female suggests that to be profoundly true – ed). Barbie is part of history.

Now there is a "curvy" Barbie to make an issue out of something nobody had time to give much thought before. But at least now it's in the headlights forever, so that's pretty cool.

Now there is a “curvy” Barbie to make an issue out of something nobody had time to give much thought to before. But at least now it’s in the headlights forever, so that’s pretty cool.

She was a huge part of my life, and yes you can argue that I have MAJOR weight issues and you’d be right, but not because I played with Barbie! It’s because I went to drama school and dance classes and gymnastics, and the pressure that comes with all of that made me anorexic.

These are not things we need to discuss here right now, or I’ll digress – and this isn’t therapy. But I can categorically state that it was not because I played with Barbie. I mean my cousin had a Cabbage Patch Doll, I wasn’t allowed one and I was wildly jealous. But playing with a Cabbage Patch Doll wouldn’t have made me want to fckin look like one! Although it apparently did in her case. Poor girl.

What I’m saying here is yes there is a lot of pressure on young girls these days, but it’s not brought on by Barbie.

Barbie 1

For instance, I see all these girls on Instagram and they look AMAZING and I’m like shit they look good, I wish I did, and then I meet them in person and I’m like shit they do not look good. No word of a lie, they are like two different people, and it’s happened more times than I can count.

Example: There is this girl, she has these amazing pictures and she looked totally flawless. I met her, and she looked like she had just done the monthly shop at the big Asda juggling four kids all under four years old with no husband. Me and a few friends have actually named her the “Tesco mum of 2”. That’s a true story.

Honestly the lengths she must go to just to take a cool snap is not worth the disappointment I felt when I met her in person.

Why not take pictures where you’re just having a nice time with your friends? That’s a million times more attractive than a photoshopped pic of you pouting somewhere with no mates. Ever noticed these people are pal free? (Except for the Barbie sat on the shelf in the background – ed) It’s tragic.

Everyone Likes the Fat Kardashian Best

It’s all fckin bullshit to be honest. Kardashian wise for instance, we’ve all seen Kim go from a 3 to a 10 via a surgeon, and we all know this to be the case. Despite fans of the immensely talented sisters not being in the upper echelons of rational society, we all seem to have got this fact. The most well-received Kardashian is the least attractive one with the good personality.

Girls and people aren’t as thick as social commentators make out, we can all actually see what’s real and what’s fake. A three-year old girl will play with Barbie in her room just as I did, but I never ever saw in my hands what I perceived to be a real-life Barbie! I wasn’t out in the supermarket looking at human Barbies everywhere and wondering why my mum didn’t look like Barbie and none of my friend’s mothers looked like Barbie. I’m not an idiot. I, like 99.99999% of humans, get the difference between a toy and a sentient being.

"Hi guys, please try to remember I'm not real, and put the energy expended on trying to modify me to fit your expectations into something more worthwhile!"

“Hi guys, please try to remember I’m not real, and put the energy expended on trying to modify me to fit your expectations into something more worthwhile!”

Oh God, toy dogs don’t look like the normal dogs in the park and they don’t behave like them either, what the fck are we going to do? We must make all the toy dogs shit everywhere and stink and lick their own assholes with immediate effect. Then they can be more realistic.

I’m Not Annoyed

All jokes aside, I’m not annoyed that Barbie’s got fat (I am), I’m annoyed that Barbie has had to get fat because it’s easier to place blame for fat people on a toy rather than the real issues behind obesity in young kids, which by the way is predominantly poorly educated parents from the generation in which we all exist. A quick glance through your Facebook Newsfeed will surely make you shudder at the future when you consider the vast majority of “posters” are also “parents”.

I have to stop writing this now because I could go on and on and on and I’ve only raised about two of the points that I’d hoped to do. Maybe if it seems popular I’ll do a “Fat Barbie Pt II”.

"KEN YOU F***** M********** I HATE YOU I AM GOING TO *** **** YOU IN YOUR ****** *** AND BITE OFF YOUR ****! ****."

“KEN YOU F***** M********** I HATE YOU I AM GOING TO *** **** YOU IN YOUR ****** *** AND BITE OFF YOUR ****! ****.”

IDGI, so I’m just going to pretend Barbie got fat because she’s pregnant and Ken is being a prick so she keeps stress-eating rather than the sad truth that she was forced to change who she is to meet other people’s expectations.