Beyoncé. Vegan like, duh?

So today everyone was getting excited about Beyoncé divulging something about herself (to be fair Mariah Carey’s been getting a lot of attention lately so I can see why B did this).

She revealed that she’s vegan. Amazing. Thanks B. I really feel like we are friends now I know this.

Just a few things though: How are you only just saying you’re vegan now?

Do you mean to tell me that you were stuffing your perfect face with dead animals the whole time? Because I’m shocked! Surely you must have been at LEAST pescatarian? I guess I’ve never really thought much about Beyoncé’s dietary needs.

"You mean KFC is out entirely? Even the gravy? For fucks sake mate."

“You mean KFC is out entirely? Even the gravy? For fucks sake mate.”

I suppose if I sat in a room on my own with just the sound of my own breathing and really thought about what she ate I’d have guessed she ate whatever the hell she wanted and had by now mastered the art of hands-free throwing up? I guess… I don’t know, like I said I’ve given it no thought.

How is she only just vegan? Why was she not on a strictly liquid-only diet? Unless she was and someone was blending up pigs balls for her, which could be possible.

So she was on a juice cleanse but it just happened to be one containing meat because she needed the protein.

To all normal mortals (everyone that isn’t Beyoncé, Victoria Beckham or… well just them really), sorry but in 2015 if you’re not one or more of the following then you really are doing something wrong, and you will never look like Beyoncé.:

  • Vegetarian
  • Vegan
  • Pescatarian
  • Gluten free
  • Food free
  • Low carb
  • Juice diet
  • Hunger strike

You’ll never look like Beyoncé anyway. Nobody will ever look like Beyoncé. Even her own kid doesn’t look like Beyoncé. I mean It takes thousands of years of preparation to achieve a B and there won’t be another one in our life times. Also the maintenance and upkeep on being the queen must be totally exhausting and costly.


Finally, B – it’s 2015. Nobody eats animals in 2015. You need to sack everyone who works for you immediately for making you look so clueless. I don’t know what the fck messed-up game your chef was playing, but he needs to go.

He should be sacked pronto. You should’ve been eating ice cubes and avocado every night without even knowing you were eating ice cubes and avocado because it would have been made into something so extravagant looking you would’ve missed what it even was, and it would have tasted like something from the heavens so he’s clearly very bad at his job and deserves to be working at a two bob Yate’s Wine Lodge, or at best a Slug and Lettuce.

I hate that you had these kinds of people around you. You’re the queen. I don’t know how such an idiot got on to your staff.

There’s a problem in your camp B. And you need to have it resolved immediately. I’m stressed for you.

Anyway you’re FINALLY off red meat now so let’s just look at the positive now. If I think about how late in life this happened for you anymore, I’m likely to get really emotional and throw stuff. So yeah, welcome to being meat free. Good luck with your vegan diet. Shame you weren’t vegan when you did Glastonbury, those hippies love that shit.

"Fuck the gig mate let's go and smash down the doors of perception..."

“Fuck the gig mate let’s go and smash down the doors of perception…”

You could’ve sat in a field and picked your own dinner every night (actually I wouldn’t recommend this because you may have ended up mushroom picking and your performance would’ve been a whole different story).

Vegan-free is literally so boring, eventually you’ll be over it and back on at least a raw fish diet.

But for now here’s a list of some things you can eat on your new diet B:

  • Jay-z
  • Avocados
  • E cigarettes
  • Your hot security guy
  • Ice cubes
  • Lemons
  • Seeds
  • Vodka
  • Tissue (don’t go for 3 ply if you’re new to this)
  • Air

That’s about it really. Enjoy. Also you’re awesome, but don’t get too skinny because then I’ll have to hate you, and I don’t want to do that.