Omg. I totally built a whole solid oak king size bed all by myself.
I’m talking no help, I’m talking heavy as fck wood, I’m talking screws and stuff and I’m talking way out of my league. Like a two sausage job (as was stated on the instructions, although it said two men).
I had to brag about this because I’ve never ever done anything like this in my life. I’ve always had boyfriends or male friends or my brother near by, so I’ve had no need.
I don’t have my brother now I lost him to Dubai, and I do have a lot of guy friends that usually help me with things here in London, but I call in a lot of favours (every 2-3 hours) so I thought maybe I’ll try myself.
Can I just stress my bed is not from IKEA (I blogged I went there recently, it’s important you know I would never lay myself down on an IKEA bed).
This bed is super massive and like actually good quality, really heavy wood. Basically I don’t know anything about wood, I just know it’s good because it’s heavy and also cost me loads.
Anyway so I wore messy hair (I messed it up purposely for the task ahead) and builders shorts. They are actually just tiny little shorts that I tightened up so I could put a screw driver in them. I couldn’t find my tool belt so they had to suffice.
Then I went all the way to the shop to buy a pencil that I wouldn’t need for the task, just to put behind my ear.
Once my outfit was complete I stared at all the pieces of the bed for around 28 to 42 minutes.
Then I wasted some more time by messaging everyone in my what’s app to tell them what I was about to do.
Then I had a green tea.
Then I stared at all the pieces of the bed for another maybe eight minutes.
Then I replied to everyone in my what’s app that I’d messaged to tell them what I was doing, which led on to different conversations.
Then I had a bowl of cauliflower cous cous, becous it is nice. This is basically cauliflower all smashed up to look like cous cous, but it is fundamentally just smashed up cauliflower. Thing is, overweight people are more inclined to eat something if you label it as a carb. Very clever.
Then I stared at all the pieces of the bed for another 17 minutes. Yes I timed it.
Then I moved my vintage wardrobe because it was going to be in the way, but then I ended up accidentally getting inside it and taking a 20 minute nap.
Once I woke up I stared at all the pieces of the bed a bit more.
Then I got a voice note from a hot guy telling me to stop wasting time and get on with it (unclear where he got the time wasting bit from), but I decided as a huge fck you to him that I’d actually get on with it. I know that makes no sense, but I never do really.
So I attached the two really super heavy ends with the two side bits and was so excited I decided to message everyone in my what’s app my progress. It was free standing. It hurt me and it took a lot of (non-fun) screwing. But it was standing.
After I’d showed off at how great I was, I realised I’d put the side bits on upside down.
Like I needed the side bits to be the other way up because they had holes for the “slats”, which is a bed term for wood bits all in a row.
ICD (I can’t deal), I mean I really couldn’t deal, I had two full on meltdowns where I questioned my whole life. I told my mate Ant what I did and he had the nerve to laugh and say “that always happens when doing things like that”, so I blocked the prick.
Then I told the hot guy what I’d done and he said I should probably quit while I’m ahead and wait for help. This made me livid. You can’t have a hot guy thinking you’re a failure, like ever. How will he respect you? How will he realise how chic you are? He won’t (FYI hot guy doesn’t live in the country in case you were wondering why the useless prick was being so vocal on the situation yet not actually around to help/do it for me).
So my anger and the thought of a guy thinking I’m lame turned me into hulk and I basically went into such a strange “male-esque” zone. I don’t know how much time passed but suddenly I had grown a medium-sized penis and I had built the bed. I don’t even remember doing it. One minute it was separate bits on the floor, the next minute it was put together and I was jumping on it.
It didn’t break.
I built a bed. I’m basically amazing. I’m like Destiny’s Kid (Independent Woman), I just need to find two less attractive and talented girls to stand on each side of me at all times.
Then break free of them and find two others to do the exact same thing but these two wont be allowed to ever speak.
Then I’ll get a husband have a kid and my kid sister can beat him up for me, because I’ll know I’m capable of doing it myself, but since I’ve built a bed, why would i bother doing anything for myself ever again?
I won’t. I built a bed. Get off me.
PS: I later found out the hot guy was gonna “send paid help to do it for me” but hey, I showed him. I’ve now blocked him though, you mean to tell me I could have slutted about drinking alcohol and watching Two and a Half Men, text-cheating on you while some guy did something for me and you didn’t tell me? Like you let me play with (non-fun) wood alone? Hopefully I’ll forgive him and unblock him soon and he will send me some chic shoes or a handbag instead as a sorry.