But I am crazy

Currently I’m in a predicament. I have two guys who I currently like, and I’m starting to get scared. It’s not because of that annoying thing that always happens in this kind of scenario – having to pick one. That’s fine, and will be sorted out on its own, because one of them will surely do something completely uncouth before long, and I can then quickly disappear.

I’m starting to get the fear because, as of right now, I am liking both of them equally, and although things haven’t escalated to, well, anything (we’ve not been out publicly, we’ve not met each other’s friends, etc.), I get the feeling that could be just around the corner with either one of them. This would be the first time in years that it’s got to that stage, and it is quite terrifying.

Let me introduce you to my alter ego: LostShitShowGirl. She comes out when I like someone and I can’t do anything about it. It’s like a whole new person enters me (through my mouth, she never enters through my vagina) and she stays there. She is a cunt.

When I, LostItGirl, catch a feeling or two, LostShitShowGirl enters my body and takes over. I almost feel her the moment she enters me. Here are some of the things that LostShitShowGirl has done when inside me:

28 txts

She sent 28 texts in a row to one person. This was not including 14 Face Time unanswered calls and 32 traditional phone calls, each of which went unanswered.



She’s driven at 60mph in a 30mph zone, slammed on the brakes to the gasps of a crowd including her boyfriend, before slowing down to 4mph and manically turned her head round as though she were the lead character from The Exorcist, glared with a look of unrelenting anguish and hatred, before speeding off again.


She’s thrown many objects. Too many to mention. All AT people.


She’s trashed bedrooms, hotel rooms and shop displays. It’s like she’s never heard the LostItGirl rule about maintaining dignity in public.


She’s thrown herself on the floor of a well-known eatery, screaming: “But he wasn’t a loooovveellyyy man!” To be honest, she’s right, he wasn’t. He was a prick.


She’s painted my bedroom black. Every single wall.

Dsbld tlt

She’s gone up to a guy she’s never met and said “fancy fckin in the disabled toilets?”. To be honest he certainly debated it, but I think he was eventually put off by the manic and glazed eyes that promised a dangerous time.


She’s met a guy on Tinder, fcked him, cried during it, before gathering most of his belongings thinking they were hers and running out of the flat knocking over glassware on the way out.


She’s bought a lot of animals. Just outright bought ferrets, parrots, dogs, cats and other things that have all had to be returned. The worst was when she bought a snow leopard before finding out that she hadn’t actually bought it, she’d just adopted it. It cost £4,000. But at least on every birthday he sends me a card.


She’s woken up in the night upon having her phone confiscated due to over messaging an ex, found a computer and was caught buying her ex a Macbook Pro in the hope it would make him take her back. It wouldn’t have. Luckily she was caught in the act when a house mate heard wailing.

That’s just a selection of the things LostShitShowGirl is capable of. She’s not like me – a really quite rational, calm and chic being. She is totally the opposite. OK, she’s a lot of fun and it will make for great blogs, but it’s not fun at the time.

Like a hurricane, her rages destroy everything in their path and when she leaves, normal me has to pick up the pieces. So you can understand my trepidation at liking anyone, which is why normal me usually likes to try and fck it up before it gets to that.

I am petrified of relationships. I just don’t function in them like I should. I’m scared of boredom, what if I wanted to spend my Saturdays doing a big shop? Or at Ikea? What if I started cooking? Even worse, what if I started eating? What if I stopped seeing my friends? I’ve got so many friends who dump me real quick when they get in a relationship and I’m so embarrassed for them. I manage to laugh, even though it’s actually pretty pathetic. I literally can’t take them seriously. It’s so tragic doing that. I don’t want to be that.

All those seem like rational fears. So I will do whatever I can to avoid getting into a relationship. I’ll just be horrid or cheat or both. Mostly I’ll just be horrid and it won’t get to the relationship stage. But on the occasion I find myself in one (usually without my knowing) LostShitShowGirl turns up to remove me from the situation. I suppose she’s just being nice and trying to save me from a situation I’m clearly uncomfortable in. But it’s a fckin nightmare. And I know she’s going to come out to play.




But I wont stop her, because how shit would LostItGirl be if I were in a relationship? Would you want to read about the espresso machine I just purchased? Or the collection of garden gnomes I had just arranged around the pond in my back garden? It’s just not on brand at all.

So now, the fun of fckin things up can begin in earnest.