Celebrity Kiss and Tell

On three separate occasions in the last month it has been brought to my attention that a few celebrities have been getting shamed by non-listers they’ve hooked up with by selling their boring story (literally who cares?) to the newspapers.

Celebrities are boning these wannabes, and these wannabes are clearly incapable of having a good bone and just leaving it there…… no no.

They have to get attached and go mental. So what do they do? Ring up the papers, yeah? Seems legit.

This is an example of what a celeb sex scandal looks like. Although this wasn't a scandal. Everyone knew, although she's the only one that's ever come out for money as the others are all far too chic for that.

This is an example of what a celeb sex scandal looks like. Although this wasn’t a scandal.

People have sent me these recent stories because the ones involved I’ve sadly and embarrassingly had very loose connections to. I do not ever read the tabloids. I don’t look at showbiz gossip sites. I avoid all that mind numbingly boring and really quite poorly written pseudo-journalism. I read fashion sites, music ones, lostitgirl.com and that’s it.

Just needed to clear that up.

Big Sam

A LostItGirl would never sit smoking an e-cig, drinking a green tea, while reading The Mirror online celeb section. She will be looking at Vogue or Harper’s Bazaar online or talking to people on WhatsApp whilst listening to music.

Most recently was Sam Smith. Poor lad, he was super fat, he got skinny and just wanted to bone away in the same manner as those cruel kids on the skinny side of the party had been all those years while he sat in the corner wanking and crying with his Big Mac.

Fat Sam

I’m thrilled for him, I really am. But these male equivalents of Page 3 stunners have to go to the papers over it. It’s the opposite of acting with class.

I mean shame on Sam for not going for a higher level of suitor, he needs to be more switched on to be able to notice those that smack of desperation for fame, and instead pick a hot one who’s happy and literally wants nothing more than to meet someone cute and have a nice time with, they come with no hidden agenda. But he will learn in due course… Sam, if you play with dog shit you’ll get dirty and ill. And maybe blind. (Also make sure you never talk about Radiohead ever again mate. It’s embarrassing – ed).

I decided to blog about this in the hope I can help save even one person from making such a terrible move.

Keep it chic, or the story will leak.

Sex Pamphlet

Between me and my friends we’ve been through all manner of celebs, from A to Z. I even once had my bra ripped off by a rather well known British actor. I mean he broke my fckin bra (I was totally bummed out because it was really cute and gave me a really good “my tits are having a great day” look, I still miss that negligee set).

But just imagine if I was an actual psycho and not just psycho-chic. I could have spun that story, amped it up by 100, and got myself front page of a shit newspaper people with no relevance read in white vans.

England is lolz

England is lolz

But I ask you is that how the truly cool and chic behave? Is that dignified? What would I possibly gain? A headline to show my future children that read something like “Wannabe LostItGirl slams actor for aggressive behaviour in the bedroom”.

No, he slammed me and I liked it.

Pray tell why would I talk about it to a load of strangers? It was a great night and it was private.

Raggy Magazine Prick

I’d be labeled as nothing more than a “page 3 stunner”, nobody of interest would wanna fck me ever again because they’d know it would only end up in a shit, raggy magazine. My friends and family would think I’m a prick, I’d hate myself, I’d probably get fat, and saddest of all, what if by creeping to the papers I lost a genuine friend in the “celeb”? They’re never gonna talk to you again now!

I mean that’s just one tiny example. Me and my friends could write a book. I mean it would be more of a pamphlet. But still, you get the point. And if you don’t, the point is we are très chic bitches and would never ever even consider such embarrassing and desperate behaviour.

You Can't SIt with US

The moral of the story here is… Well there’s none actually because the people whose opinions matter regarding celebrity sex scandals are far too busy to worry about it and also are fully aware that everyone’s at it, every weekend. Those that are interested are those that read the Daily Mail online for serious and need something celeb-based to discuss in the factory on their 10 minute break. It’s no big deal really when you think about it.

PS: Note to any celebs reading this: I’ll send you nudes all weekend long and I’d never sell the story. We can make a sex tape and I promise only me and my friends and family and colleagues and my local Wetherspoon’s would watch it. It would never make it online. Like I have a great vagina but I really don’t need the whole world to see it.  Also we can frenchie in public and I would never have a pal planted over the other side of the room ready to take a picture. I’m literally far too chic for that. Know that LostItGirl is a safe place to get laid and there will be precisely no ramifications. Apart from super needy texts reaching the 100 mark when I’m drunk, but you can just mute me for that, it doesn’t last long.

XOXO call me.