Could you show me the way to London England??

I have to work in central London every weekend. This is by no means a complaint, I love my job and would work all the days and all the shifts if I could. But central London at the weekend is what I imagine hell to be like. Except also it will be really hot.

It is so busy, I can’t deal. Not only is it busy, but apart from me nobody ever has a single freakin clue where they are going (because all other Londoners leave London or at least don’t enter central London at the weekend).


They’re all just walking around like they are on ‘shrooms (maybe they are) staring at everything with wide-eyed bemusement. I swear I don’t do this in other cities? Although actually I won’t visit another city unless I’m meeting somebody out there that lives there so I can avoid this exact thing.

Here’s some stuff that happens regularly at weekends:

I am addressed by strangers as “excuse me miss”.I am touched by strangers.


I am stared at by strangers.

I have a huge map regularly shoved under my (usually closed) eyes on the tube.

I am surrounded by a sea of double breasted backpacks all in some kind of ghastly neon colour, while the “leader” (usually in a bum bag) yells at all the backpack wearers.

I am asked questions I don’t know the answers to.

Could You show me the way to London Town

I am asked questions I know but don’t want to give the answers to.

I am asked where Buckingham Palace is. Google it. Doesn’t everyone have a smart phone?

I am caught up in a street show.

I am caught up in selfies.


I am asked to take pictures. Eugh where’s your selfie stick? Get off me.

Just last weekend I had a women’s spaniels ears directly in my face as she lent across me to study the tube map above my head.

I’m asked where to get “fish and chips” regularly, OMG nowhere. Do you even know what they are? Gross.

I just want to stress: at the weekend this stuff doesn’t affect me. It doesn’t annoy me. It makes me laugh, hence why I decided to tell you about it.
I never let other weird/annoying human behaviours upset me (unless it’s a boy I’m dating). I just don’t and nor should you. This is the problem with the world. Too many people caring about what people they don’t know are doing.But avoid central London between 2am Saturday morning and 8pm Sunday nights. Because actually Sunday nights are pretty safe and tourist free.

XOXO lostitgirl