The deep joy of a steam cleaner

I’ve mentioned my OCD before. I like to think the ‘C’ stands for Chic. Or at least in my case it does.

In relation to this, I would like to let you know about the best thing I have purchased recently.

The steam cleaner.

Life changing.

Let me first hit you with some stats:

  • Five thousand bed bugs can sit on the end of a pin head.
  • Most beds are riddled with hundreds of millions of bed bugs.
  • They feed off dead skin cells.

I know what you’re thinking: “But I exfoliate daily so I should be fine?” Incorrect.

The average human (I think that means all humans??) sheds a full layer of skin onto their beds ONCE a month. Eugh.

This was enough to make me want to deal with this problem, so I purchased a steam cleaner. I spent a whole evening indoors steam cleaning anything and everything. It was awesome. I didn’t even do it drunk. And I’m not even lying when I say I was having the time of my life.


My dumb ass mate Ant showed my message of pure excitement over my Saturday night in steam cleaning to everyone on Twitter. Its fine though, as we aren’t very popular, and yeah I look like a dork and I accept that. But how much of a dork does everyone else look without a steam cleaner? Sleeping in filth every night with your bed bug pals while I’m all asleep with not a single bed bug to cuddle up to. Yeah well I think we can all see the clear winner here.


I didn’t just do my bed though.

Do you have any idea how stressful it was for me that I couldn’t wash my curtains? The predicament I faced was that if I took them down I’d have four extremely large windows with no curtains. So everyone would be able to see in, and the sunlight would probably wake me up at 4am as opposed to 5am like it does with the curtains. I just didn’t have the time or the means to take them down and for them to spend two days in the dry cleaners. Doesn’t matter now though. I’ve steamed the fck out of those bad boys. They’re like brand new and I am safe in the knowledge they are germ free. So great.

A stain on something you say? Move aside guys, I’ve got this.

The damn steam cleaner blasts away everything. I almost want someone to come round and piss the bed just so I can steam clean it away. I know many bed wetters so this is something technically I could make happen, but I won’t.

I just wish TFL would let me steam clean the tube seats before I put my (usually designer, otherwise vintage) derrière on their infested seats.

All I do now is look at people and things I want to steam clean. This old lady had a stain on her (old lady beige) jacket. I wanted to steam clean her into next week. I would have if it hadn’t been in Sainsbury’s while my steam cleaner was safely tucked up indoors.


I’m so obsessed with my steam cleaner I’m not actually attending any events unless my steam cleaner is invited as a plus 1.

You call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I call it Obsessive Chic Disorder. Get off me.