The best beaches in Dubai – Reviewed by LIG

The best beaches in Dubai - Reviewed by LIG

If you ever go to Dubai on holiday, there’s every chance you will be interested in going to the beach. There’s also every chance you will just go to the beach in the hotel within which you are paying to stay. This makes this piece irrelevant. Unless you live in Dubai, in which case this piece has so much relevance I basically can’t deal with how much help I’m giving you. Here is a rundown, in no particular order, of the best beaches in Dubai.

Nasimi Beach

The best beaches in Dubai - Reviewed by LIG

Now on this one you don’t have to pay like £200 just to walk onto it, which is rare. You only have to make sure you spend over 250 of the Dubai pretend money. Whatever it’s called. Monopoly.

Anyway, so the quite crap thing about Nasimi is that it’s very close to Butlins, or as some people call it, The Atlantis. But it’s really ok because you don’t have to go there, you can just see it there.

The other not so great thing is that there’s no pool, so when you feel a bit warm after 6 hours In 40 degrees you have to go to the sea. I find this to be gross because the sea contains really weird creatures that most of us just really don’t want to hang out with. But you can shower, which I personally prefer because that just contains fresh, cold water devoid of weird bug-eyed fish.

Nasimi plays clubbing music the whole time, and if you’re lucky after about midday a man plays the saxophone over the clubbing tunes as if it’s Hed Kandi circa 2001. Also at this time a live DJ starts playing. I no longer slide into DM’s, I’m over it. I now slide into DJ booths. So in I went, he was super hot, we chatted for a bit and due to a mix of sun and cocktails I told him to put on a 12 minute record (which sounded like the last one, they all sounded the same. Nasimi playlist is just one massive song) and we went into the bathroom to have sex which broke up the afternoon so that was way hot.

After that I was starving so decided to share a pizza with my brother but then my friend JJ put his foot in it, scraping the cheese topping off with his toenail, so I didn’t get any pizza. It’s probably for the best. To make sure I hit my fake money quota for the day I ordered six cocktails and had a nap. Great day at Nasimi.

Food Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Service Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Atmosphere Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Pool Rating: ⛱/10

Beach Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Overall: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Fairmont on the Palm

The best beaches in Dubai - Reviewed by LIG

Here I hate. And here is why:

The service is appalling, bottles of water can take up to 20 minutes to be presented and as someone who likes to reach my 2 litres of water quota daily in sub-zero circumstances in the UK, when I’m in 40 degree heat I like to double that, so I find the incompetence and waiting to be quite a problem. I’m a very instant girl. I’m very now or never. I have zero patience. In fact I was so impatient I very nearly approached the bar from my sunbed and placed the order myself, but then I realised I was in Dubai and nobody does anything for themselves here. So I stood down.

The snack selection is quite shit too. Food doesn’t have too much of an impact on my day-to-day life but on holiday, and high on Valium, I’m good to eat so sometimes I do. But not here.

I once got a Greek salad at the Fairmont and the lettuce was brown. I gave up after that. But the pool is super cold, so if you need to feel a lower body temperature you’re in luck here. And the view isn’t that shit. But I’ll tell you what is very shit – the Wi-Fi.

Wi-Fi connection is a real deal breaker for me. So with the shit service, shit food, shit Wi-Fi and view which is not totally shit, you could be forgiven for wondering why the fck I come here. It’s because it’s one of the only beaches where me and my Dubai pal Natalie can both use our special beach cards. So that’s why.

Also, I’m a good friend so I tolerate such poor amenities simply to spend time with her. I really am a great person. If you find yourself in 2016 but you don’t have Wi-Fi and water readily available, along with green salad leaves, I would suggest you’re somewhere war torn or in the midst of a humanitarian crisis of another nature. It’s really not the biggest of asks.

Food Rating: ⛱⛱⛱/10

Service Rating: ⛱⛱⛱/10

Atmosphere Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Pool Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Beach Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Overall: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Sofitel the Palm

The best beaches in Dubai - Reviewed by LIG

This was my first time here as it’s a new one. Upon arrival I was suffering from mild anxiety as I didn’t know my way around and sadly I was in full LostItGirl mode. I was so hung over, I couldn’t move my head left or right. But as I wasn’t planning on watching any tennis, I was unsure if that would really be a problem. The problems came with the fact that I left the house without my sun hat, my Xanax and paracetamol. I thought I could ‘drink water’ the headache away. I could not.

The hotel is a typical Sofitel. It’s all brown and business looking, which is dull, but some people are so fckin beige they probably like this kind of feel. I remember a wall to one restaurant being very similar to a brick garden wall, the like of which we might see in the UK. I’d have taken a picture against it but sadly I was dead and it was so disinteresting I fell asleep against it instead.

The pool and beach were just like whatever. I can’t remember being impressed or unimpressed but there was a buzzer on the beach table, which I liked because it meant I could get constant attention. Sometimes I just buzzed it to tell them how much pain I was in. I drank four to six litres of water and slept the whole day. I then had a chocolate milkshake and a kid portion of pasta.

This brings me nicely to the main problem with the Sofitel. Kids. Brat fcking kids screaming all damn day. If I’d known small humans were roaming freely around the hotel I would not have gone. It was so painful. I managed to sleep through 90% of it though.

Food Rating: ⛱⛱⛱/10

Service Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Atmosphere Rating: ⛱⛱/10

Pool Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Beach Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Overall: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

We like The Westin

The best beaches in Dubai - Reviewed by LIG

You know those people who seriously j’adore themselves way too much and can just never ever let you have your moment? Like you could grow a grow a horn on your head and actually be the first ever half human half unicorn and you’d run around excited to show them your achievement and they’d say: ‘Oh yeah I had a horn three years ago, I got one so I could insert it up my husband’s ass to spice up our dull sex life but I got rid of it because it kept getting stuck in lift doors.’

You know those people that simply won’t allow you to outdo them? I think it’s called the Jones Effect. Whatever the Jones’ are doing we need to do it bigger and better. The Jones’ meanwhile are just quietly enjoying their life paying no mind to what you’re doing. You’re trying to outdo people that simply aren’t interested because they only concern themselves with themselves.

This is why The Westin Mina Seyahi is now known to us all as “We like The Westin”. It’s due to me one time telling someone I was at the Le Meridien to which they replied “Well when we do our yearly trip to Dubai we like The Westin.”

Drop me out. Who talks like that? So now I only call it “We like the Westin.” I refrained from informing the bitch that they are basically the same except The Westin’s interior is more like an English stately home who’s owners had passed away 25 years ago with no surviving relatives and were only discovered once the stench began to make the cows in the farm two miles up the road be sick all over each other. Le Meridien on the other hand, is right next door, shares the same beach, pools, bars and grass lawn with crows. The difference is it had a nice new refurb in 2010.

Anyway ‘We like The Westin’ is indeed likeable. Firstly of course you have to pay £200 just to set foot on it. Then you get a bag search and God forbid you attempt to sneak on a solitary apple or a bottle of water. Sirens, helicopters above, it can get pretty scary. You’ll not be hitting your 5-a-day quota on The Westin’s watch. Once everything’s been confiscated and you’ve had a full body cavity search for contraband such as Werther’s Originals, you get a little buggy to the Beach/pool.

We like to lounge about on the grassed area as it’s in the middle of the pool and beach. You can see the beach but you don’t have to go on it and risk sand in your vagina (although that does count as nature’s great natural exfoliator).

The great thing about The Westin pool is the water. It is freezing, so when six hours in 40 degrees gets too intense you can immerse yourself in freezing cold water. So nice. Plus then you can swim up to a bar and order a cocktail all the while relaxing in cold water. It’s bliss.

I don’t know how they make the water so cold when the sea is at a temperature you could use to make a steaming cup of black coffee. And how they do it isn’t my concern, but I fully admire them for it. Here the food is pretty expensive but I did enjoy a £35 salad.

The service is neither great nor bad, but here’s what is bad. Vultures. Because ‘We like The Westin” features greenery, it also features animals.

Generally Dubai has full control over animals, and as such is pretty much devoid of them. Selfish expats do occasionally have dogs here. Which is criminally insane. I heard the law makers flew in a couple of ants for authenticity back in the 90’s, but these are controlled and very rarely seen (I think they might even be digital). They’ve kept most things out of the sea with giant nets and obviously they ploughed up the coral reefs and sprayed them all into a palm-shape to make the Palm Jumeirah, but a few small fish with big black eyes managed to survive and can slip occasionally through the nets. I’m sure they are working on a way to control the bird issues. I’m not sure if they are actual vultures, being as I’m not a virgin with binoculars who lives to view wildlife. I prefer to watch David Attenborough rather than see it up close and risk birds shitting on me. The Wi-Fi is good here too, but it wins on the super food selection (Dubai can make you very fat) and the super cold pool. Yes, truly, we like the Westin.

Food Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Service Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Atmosphere Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Pool Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Beach Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Overall: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Waldorf Astoria

The best beaches in Dubai - Reviewed by LIG

Life. This is hands down my favourite hotel in Dubai (of the ones I’ve worked my way through). It’s like entering Kim and Kanye’s house I imagine. Each time I walk in I say: ‘Kim, Kanye? I’m here where are you?’

They never emerge but I say it every time anyway. It’s so chic, the staff aren’t all complete morons, they supply you with free water and being as it’s so damn hot – rightly so. You’ll work through rather a lot. Water is water, it’s a natural birth right. Give it to me for free, it’s the least you can do after I’ve paid half your mortgage just to use a damn sun lounger (take note other hotels).

The food is so nice of course because like as if Kim and Kanye would eat junk. The beach is picturesque and the pool is an infinity one, but they don’t make it freezing cold like “We like The Westin”, which is a shame.

Small humans are kept well away so it’s quiet and peaceful, the decor really matches my zen, the bathrooms are beautiful and well stocked. The Wi-Fi is of a 2016 standard. Basically if I was a guy I would have an erection for 90% of the day I spend here. Go, it’s lush. “I like the Waldorf”.

Food Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Service Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Atmosphere Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Pool Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Beach Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Overall: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Jumeirah Beach Hotel

The best beaches in Dubai - Reviewed by LIG

Hmmmmmm… Well upon entering you’re hard pressed to work out what it is. The decor is mismatched and dated, featuring circular dowdy rugs the like you’d find in IKEA (all be it a much higher shag pile rating, but the same in look). It’s attached to a water park. Whatever.

I’m a grown up, and I’m a thrill seeker for sure, but I cba with that. I prefer to slut about in peace taking naps, smoking Vogues and using my selfie stick. The beach is beautiful, the pool is very Butlins and I’ve never eaten there so my comments on that will remain private. I think it costs the same as a new outfit from Top Shop Unique including shoes and accessories just to enter the place. But you get a good view of Gunwharf Quays. I mean the Jumeirah sail thing Dubai is somewhat famous for.

But basically this place is hell. If Atlantis is the Butlins of Dubai then this is the Pontins. It’s seriously horrible, the ratio of piss to water in the pool would no doubt be mind boggling. The beach is ok because small humans don’t go there so it’s quiet but it’s super windy because of where it’s positioned. Dubai it gets this stuff called “wind” of which I’m not a fan of.

I admittedly went to the water park though, which was attached to the hotel, and had loads of fun with my mates, plus I used the spa at the end of the day which is busy but nice. And it has a really fantastic gym, but I can safely say out of all the hotels it’s the one I certainly won’t hang out at again. Sorry fellas. Do better.

Food Rating: ⛱⛱/10

Service Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Atmosphere Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Pool Rating: ⛱⛱/10

Beach Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Overall: ⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

RIVA

The best beaches in Dubai - Reviewed by LIG

RIVA is far from a hotel, it’s a beach club I guess but somehow flouts the law that alcoholic establishments must be in some way attached to a hotel as it is on the Palm and all the rules go out the window on this man-made island. Much like so many, RIVA suffers from way too many little bits of skin running around (kids – ed). The pool is nice and cold, but so is the food. It’s quite cheap, but so are the clientele. And also, much like the clientele, it’s really shady. After about 3pm there ain’t no sun so it’s quite a waste of time overall.

Food Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Service Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Atmosphere Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Pool Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Beach Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Overall: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

BARASTI

The best beaches in Dubai - Reviewed by LIG

If you’ve ever heard of Barasti, you know what to expect. You expect no service, no fckin smile, loads of pricks in pink shorts and vests, and no Wi-Fi. It’s free to get in so it attracts the wrong kind of people. But hey, we’ve all been there so what can we say? It’s the Dubai equivalent of a council estate. But the food is nice and there is music.

Food Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Service Rating: ⛱⛱⛱/10

Atmosphere Rating:⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Pool Rating: ⛱/10

Beach Rating: ⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

Overall: ⛱⛱⛱⛱⛱/10

And that concludes my beach reviews.

XOXO LostItGirl

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