Dubai shit shows

Dubai Shit Shows

LostItGirl takes time to consider the considerable selection of beings in Dubai (holidaymakers and residents) bereft of that really quite astounding ability to present a way of life not totally enveloped by faeces. The Dubai shit show…

There are plenty. I’m preparing a thesis.

I’d like to tell you about some of the shit shows I’ve witnessed only in the last two days. It’s so fun to see these human timebombs bouncing around everywhere.

I’d say that just over 80% of the humans in Dubai are very ill. To begin this one I suggest that we highlight the fact that anyone working here in the taxis or in the bars and restaurants is very weird as an individual. There is a very strict script you must adhere to when conversing with these ones. Veer from it and you’re fcked. It would go like this:

You: ‘Hello.’

Anyone working in a restaurant or bar: ‘Hello.’

You: ‘Please can I have a large water?’

Anyone working in a restaurant or bar: ‘Yes.’

You: ‘Can I have extra ice?’

Anyone working in a restaurant or bar: ‘Extra?’

You: ‘More.’

Anyone working in a restaurant or bar: ‘Yes.’

You: ‘Thank you.’

Anyone working in a restaurant or bar: ‘So that’s one large water and ice?’

You: ‘Yes thank you.’

Anyone working in a restaurant or bar: ‘Welcome.’

It's a competitive sector

It’s a competitive sector

Here’s how it shouldn’t go (via my friend JJ). The repercussions of this approach in Dubai are usually that someone sadly passes away:

JJ: ‘OMG hi! Dubai is so great it’s so hot are you good? I’m great!’

Anyone working in a restaurant or bar: *Blank stare*

JJ: ‘Ok so I asked your colleague for some water and I think your colleague forgot and so can we get that water?’

Anyone working in a restaurant or bar: *Eyes widen, head begins to visibly implode, malfunction has occurred.*

Where did JJ go wrong? On the surface of it he did little in error. Well it’s simple really: The word colleague is not in the script. Colleague would never ever be in a Dubai script. It’s a complex word and it has two syllables. If you require services to be performed adequately it’s best to stick to single syllable words – with the exception of “Dubai” and occasionally “water”.

It was difficult to watch. I used to make this error too until I was passed the script and witnessed its role in life here. I learned that there can be no sentences such as: “Can I replace tomatoes with cucumber in this here salad?”

This isn’t in the script and as such they can’t deal. Just keep it basic.

The remainder of the ill are among the numerous expats running away from a dark past in their home country.

Case Study #1

Meet Britney (name changed for legal reasons).

She is blonde and she is botoxed up beyond belief. She’s completely expressionless, and at only 27 too. It’s a shame.

She was so lovely. Me, my brother and JJ met her for drinks and I really liked her. She talked a lot of shit but then so do I, so I’m not one to judge on that, in fact I was pondering as to whether she might make a future sister for me.

She will not. Shit got real weird real quick. She knocked back a tequila and decided we needed to go to a club called Rock Bottom (the name says it all). It’s a hellish place which gives me major anxiety, hence my constant need for Valium.

On the way in the taxi she decided the taxi driver would appreciate a face massage. She was stroking him and pretty much impairing his vision as he drove. This was my first indication of her illness. She then stacked it in her hooker heels, and I’m talking spread eagled on the floor. She was like Eddie the Eagle Edwards.

Eddie The Eagle Edwards

Here’s Eddie the Eagle Edwards. He thought he could be good at being a Ski Jumper. He could not. He was shit.

She then took a mop from a young boy who was minding his own business mopping up the spillages courtesy of the drunk Brits aboard. This act wasn’t in his script and his head caved in. He was frightened as that job means a lot to him and some ‘Paris Hilton in 20 years’ lookalike was not what he’d planned to deal with that evening. He was too terrified to let go of the mop as he feared that could be the end of his employment, luckily a manager came over and told her off. I like to imagine they said “Hey can you not be a dick, and can you relax on the fillers and botox as you look like fckin Joan Rivers,” but I don’t think that’s what they said at all.

The story continues…

Suddenly out of nowhere she reached through me and grabbed my baby pink eel skin clutch bag and put a jar of mustard in it. A fckin jar of mustard? In my vintage clutch? What even is that? I was torn between feeling sorry for her because she must be poor and also love mustard, while simultaneously being livid because I’m really not a condiment kinda girl.

Keen as mustard

I don’t want to be seen or associated with condiments, especially not ones placed in my bag. Again, the management intervened. Me and my brother distanced ourselves from her at the bar and left her to cause non-funny, non-chic destruction on the dance floor. The next time I saw her she was again starfished on the floor. When I collected my bag to leave there was again a fresh jar of mustard in it. But because I was on Valium and tequila I just quietly took it out of my bag, placed it on the table and left.

Case Study #2

I went to some bar and was kind of tired and bored. It was the first night in Dubai. I was drinking my vodka soda waters and keeping chat to a minimum. I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed about five guys who all happened to be fit. I cheered up. When I returned I sent over my friend/PA, JJ.

I was like: ‘Go get them guys to entertain me.’

Off he went. Four minutes later one of them came over and we chatted for a bit. It was the obvious stuff. Name, where you from and all that shit. I forgot where he was from, I vaguely remember that his name was stupid and I remember he was also a footballer but in a team that are not in the Big League and that’s about all. He then told me he was about to leave so I put my number in his phone and moved on with my life. The next day I received a Snapchat message. In it he was topless and it said: “Looks like you’re having a good time.”

How original (Side note: he had watched all 342 of my Snapchats from that day).

Later on, once I was out and drunk on champagne, I decided to reply. It was a mistake.

I literally have no idea what my Snapchat video was to him, I’ve no idea what I said or even how I looked. But what I do know is it can’t have been too good as it resulted in a Snapchat blocking. I was blocked on Snapchat. I think my wig was wonky and I clearly said a load of shit. It happens to us all. Blocking might have been a touch too far though. He must be ill. I’m ok with it, you win some you lose some. I find it hilarious.