England got hot

England Got Hot

Oh my gosh, hot England is the funniest…

I’m obsessed with the Sun. It’s obviously going to make me look like a camel’s testicle in 30 years’ time, but whatever, I’ll still be funny and I accepted many moons ago I’ll be dying alone because I’m totally undateable. So who gives a fck?

I think I’m actually not British, I was clearly born in a hotter climate and maybe travelled over here at like eight months old. My mum forgot to tell me this because that’s what mums do. I simply can’t handle being cold, it’s my top favourite thing I hate.

I have complained on numerous occasions that the Middle East and the Caribbean when I’ve visited have been “freezing”.

Summer is here

Summer is here

Hot is my thing

So hot is my thing. Sadly for a great deal of England though, it’s really not theirs.

People sit in a garden for 30 minutes unprotected and burn. Pathetic.

People faint on the tubes.

They complain it’s too hot (it’s like 27C ffs).

They make us all fat with bbq smoke (breathing it in counts as calories).

Fashion sense goes out the window (we will get to that at a later date).

Sun makes people happier, and happier people can be great but it also makes them super annoying.

Stuff hangs out, like all sorts of stuff that shouldn’t be on show suddenly goes on show.

England becomes a completely different place.



Now we had three hot days. London reached 27C, it was great that people were in high spirits, it was great that we all got our recommended dose of Vitamin D. It was great. But it was short lived.

Come Monday the rain poured, but many foolish souls ignored the warnings and carried on regardless as if it was still 27C and not torrential rain. It was ridiculous – flip flops in puddles? Open toes in puddles? These humans are crazy.

Dear England,

Might I suggest that during the coming months the iPhone weather app becomes your best friend? Spend time with each other, get to know one another because this new pal of yours is the only way you will avoid such monstrosities as open toes in the rain. There really is nothing less attractive then an open toe on a rainy day. If you want to wear shorts in the rain that’s your business, but quite frankly when you wear an open toe in rain it becomes mine. Because I have to see it and it gives me anxiety.

Lecture 1 for the beginning of summer is complete. There will be many more to come. So check your weather app. Please.

Anyway let’s try to keep it groomed and chic and presentable during the next few months. But fear not I will be fully on your case when summer begins. I’ll be watching and noting all faux pas. And this will be explored in greater detail, but hey, it was three days of sun, no need to get excited just yet is there?