Female Bond

LostItGirl considers the idea of a female James Bond. 

Jane bond. Jane? I’m afraid I don’t know anyone exciting or interesting called Jane. At least call her something fun like Jenga, Jimanji, Jewel, Jam, or I don’t know? Must I list potential names beginning with J? (No, you must not – ed)

A kick ass girl Bond who went around beating up baddies, smoking, drinking, gambling and having one night stands with guys and perhaps a couple of threesomes with dudes – that would be LIFE to me. I wouldn’t be able to contain my excitement.

There have been a couple of movies made with the title 'Jane Bond'... But you wouldn't catch these down your local Vue...

There have been a couple of movies made with the title ‘Jane Bond’… But you wouldn’t catch these down your local Vue…

It would be one of the best films ever made. Yeah sure you’ve got girl Superman, whatever she’s called, she’s boring to me, and they did try and make Angelina a badass in the tomb one. But they didn’t do much for me. Chic girl Bond would be better because she’s real, not imaginary. There are actual spies and secret agents in the world now, did you know? It’s a proper job.

Sure it’s glamourised by 100, but it’s based on truth, and a female spy would be awesome. I wouldn’t be such a great Bond I don’t think. If we look at real life applications, for example. I’m not so good at internet stalking, because I’m far too into myself to worry about anyone else, but I know some girls who can get 17 people deep into a single person’s life. They can find shit out the person in question had forgotten themselves.


Armed with a computer some girls I know can find out so much it blows my mind, so providing the baddies the girl Bond is chasing have a Facebook account I can make at least 13 recommendations to MI5.

And….. Scene

Girl Bond though, would have the detective gene because she’s a girl so she’d be all across it. I’ve written a bit of Bond script if you like…

Jenga Bond: “Like dw ‘M’ I’ve got this, what’s the guys name?”

M: “Derek.”

JB: “Ok let me just pop him into Google, brb.”

She’d find out everything about said enemy quicker than a second, then she’d close the Apple Mac silently and slowly so you know she’s found whatever it was she was looking for. She’d have time for a quick whiskey on the rocks, call up a guy, make him slow strip, fck him, smoke a cigarette, have a quick whore’s wash with some discarded silk boxers the guy left on the floor after the slow strip and off she’d pop to fck up the enemy’s life while that guy is fast asleep. Stupidly the enemy she’s after was tagged at a “family bbq” four hours previously so she knows damn well where he is.

Cut to the remnants of the aftermath of a family bbq. You know, like discarded paper plates and a ton of kids toys floating about in the paddling pool etc (girl Bond isn’t stupid she knows said baddie will be enjoying adult time after such an occasion and because she’s a girl she waited for that because she didn’t wanna blow his brains out in front of kids. Because she’s girl Bond she’d have a heart).

Cut to her as she enters through the patio garden doors (not them sliding ones, they’re easy to get into, make it the door ones so she can grab a kirby grip outta her weft and break in).

And yes of course there you’ll find the adults smoking indoors because they are tipsy from day drinking and all house rules have gone out the window. They’re discussing shit like, I dunno how they fooled meat eating Mike into eating a quorn hot dog. Insert all the lolz and belly laughing. Then boom. Girl Bond appears holding a dildo, she waves it (make it pink, one of them rabbit ones, with a Diamante base around the controls).

JB: “Recognise this??”

To the baddie. Everyone’s like wtf?

JB: “I had it moulded out of your penis when you fcked me and left me six years ago on an 18-30 holiday in Greece.

The wife of Derek is like: “Who is this bitch?”

JB: “Oh he didn’t tell you about me? I’m Bond, Girl Bond”

Derek the baddie gets up and is like: “WTF is this?” and starts yelling then he laughs an evil laugh and reaches for something. We don’t see because it cuts quickly and….

Bam! That ain’t no dildo.

That old man who makes all the gadgets and shit, I’ve forgotten his name. So yeah he took a dildo and made it in to an AK47. He disguised it as a Dildo because Girl Bond is known for her love of a rabbit and plus it’s easy to get through customs.

Anyway she bangs him out with that.

Literally a woman scorned?? Serious don’t fck with a woman who you’ve fcked over.

The baddies m8’s get up and they make a run for the outside of the house.

We cut to all the super chic cars in the front garage. All tyres have been slashed. Like that’s the oldest trick in the book of a pissed off girl. They’ll also be covered in little dildos. You know, just to add some bantz to the film.

To discuss ideas for your own script, contact LostItGirl today

To discuss ideas for your own script, contact LostItGirl today

Anyway that’s just one scene, I could do about 50 more.

But what’s the point because I’ll tell you now, girl Bond won’t happen. Because, and as I always say, it won’t be because guys wouldn’t like it, they’d love a hot badass bitch having tons of unprotected sex in a movie.

No, no, it won’t not happen because of guys, it will be because of women. I sigh.

Girls hate other girls, not all of us of course, but the majority do. And it’s sad but it’s just a fact. I’ve told you countless times it’s always other girls that troll me, horrible bitches. Haha.

It’s always a girl that stands at a party being mean about everything from my hair to my outfit… Whatever. You don’t catch guys doing that, they simply don’t care.

So girl Bond will have to wait until other girls stop being so fckin mean and unsupportive of each other.