Fix up


LostItGirl went to watch perennial bedwetters Coldplay play a selection of their music at Wembley Stadium. Here’s what happened. Luckily there was more to it than just the music.

I had so much fun at the Coldplay show. The ultimate bedwetting band are headlining Wembley for a ton of nights, so that the bedwetters of the world can unite! I went to night one of this wet fest.

Four nights at Wembley? You ain’t wrong…

I went early to see ‘Miss Generation Z’ and my love – Alessia Cara. She was supporting and she was perfect, seriously get her album. She’s the future and that’s all there is to it. She’s like 18 and was wearing combat trousers. This is not something I’d usually agree with, but on her it’s cute and works. And it’s Gen Z, the new generation of 18 year olds don’t need to get their tits out and suck a dick then leak the tape. They will survive only on talent. I can’t praise her enough.

Praise from LostItGirl?

I arrived at Wembley at 6pm, and as you can imagine the drinks were in full flow. I consumed most of what was put in front of me, except for the one pint which I accidentally on purpose threw on some guy’s trainers. Oops, sorry, mean it. I found out who he was just to make sure it wasn’t someone who would wind up running the country/my place of work/, and it’s fine, he’s not. So then I stopped feeling bad for drenching his basic unbranded trainers. Zzzzzz.

Love Badge

When you go into the stadium you get given a little badge saying ‘love’. Yes, sure Chris, we will love and also not eat meat and not over water the garden in the hot summer months or whatever it is you want us to do.

You also get these massive wrist bands which aren’t chic but they make your wrists look super skinny even if you have fat wrists. Here’s me with my companions pretending to be the Power Rangers. I liked the Power Rangers. Good gang that.

Power Rangers

Anyway they light up when Chris Martin presses a tiny button in his pocket. Ok that’s probably not how they work but it’s a nice way to think of it.

Everyone gets them, even the non-VIPs and it looks something like this:


Cool huh?

I accidentally got very pissed and therefore louder, more annoying and very Snapchat-happy.

I sent 456 snaps of different stuff, but mostly me. Also there was some of Coldplay with commentary from me. I left a three-minute voice note to my mum of ‘Fix you’, and a 40 second one to my brother with commentary. I did this whilst everyone around me cried.

Everything including our wrists went yellow for the song which is called ‘Yellow’, I enjoyed ‘In my place’, it was super good.

The whole show was a full on party with all the lights, all the confetti, and tons of balloons. Beyoncé didn’t bother to come out for her little duet, and neither did Rihanna, which is weird, but it happens I suppose. You can’t have it all in this world, so I just used that opportunity to pretend to be her on my Snapchat.

(LostItGirl Snapchat account coming soon once I’ve worked out how to be chic and skinny on it whilst also not revealing too much about myself/and I buy a spare phone).

I ate some confetti

Loads of confetti went into my drink and I drank it. But I’m guessing it was edible and I currently have my mum working out the calorie count for confetti. I imagine, knowing Chris as I don’t, that it’s gluten-free vegan confetti and probably made by that weirdo Gwenyth’s Goop website. God I love Goop.

“Thanks mate, and I like LostItGirl…. No, really, I do…”

After party

So once I was drunk enough it was time for the private after party. Cars were put on for us but this took ages and Wembley was a total prick about letting you leave. It was made funny though because of my companions.

Once we got there we discovered the after party was all decked out in that flower power bright coloured shit Chris is really into. I was outside sipping champagne that was magically refilled every four to six seconds, and there walks past Chris Martin. So obviously straight away I was like: “Nice one, loved it tonight.”

And he said “Thanks” and started to walk away. Then my good old friend Christian, the one who doesn’t like being mentioned in my blogs so once got mentioned every day for two weeks straight, told me to get a picture.

Those that know me know that this just isn’t for me.

Those that know LIG personally know that posing for pictures with celebrities and musicians just isn't for her at all. It's just not the kind of thing she likes to do.

Those that know LIG personally know that posing for pictures with celebrities and musicians just isn’t for her at all. It’s just not the kind of thing she likes to do.

I mean don’t get me wrong had it have been Britney Spears and not Chris Martin I’d be on my way to getting carried out by security for scream crying, smelling her hair and asking for a picture 768 times. But it was not Britney Spears it was Chris ‘bedwetting’ Martin.

So Christian was like: “Just ask, ask!” and I did think to be fair my outfit looked so chic and although I wouldn’t have put it on social media it would be nice for my blog and also for my mum to see. So I went “Can we have a picture?”

No Pictures

This was all Christian’s fault and he has apologised for this and has been dutifully punished. My request was met with an “I’m not doing pictures tonight, enjoy the party.”

No pics tonight thanks

Ok Justin Bieber. I mean I don’t mind that because I didn’t really want a picture, what I really wanted was the bass player’s phone number. But whatever. Christian made me look a dick but I’m obviously used to looking a dick so it really didn’t bother me.

There were many Z-lister people there just like me. I hate them all because they’re lame but rich and it’s annoying. I can’t be bothered to list them all.

I then had a fight with Christian in a cab the whole way home. We like to do this, it’s our thing.

Finally, have you seen Coldplay’s bass player? He is all sorts of hot. Unfortunately for him, I just simply wouldn’t be able to put up with a guy like that wetting the bed every night and late night phone calls from Chris Martin crying. I just wouldn’t be able to deal.

"But LostItGirl I stopped wetting the bed after we released Viva La Vida!" "Why are you naked then?" "Ah I shit me self..."

“But LostItGirl I stopped wetting the bed after we released Viva La Vida!” “Why are you naked then?” “Ah I shit me self…”