Gelato Pt. II


I find the pub, I send him the location and say to meet at exactly 5 pm.

I arrive early and have two drinks. He walks in and, yeah he’s hot, but not in an “Omg shall we fck in an alley?” way. Not in any kind of sexual way to be honest.

At this point I dislike him some more, but I manage to hide my disdain. I have spent my life since childhood acting, and in my life I have become excellent at pretending. But as with all great pretenders, there is a line…

He sits down and says: “I didn’t think you would actually see me you know…”

Head voice: “You’re just an experiment mate.”

Real voice: “Oh? Hahaha…”

Lab Rat: “Why didn’t you want gelato?”

Head voice: “Because I don’t eat ice cream. I fck a rotation of extremely good looking people. And also I hate you and would throw it over your stupid face…”

Real voice: “Oh you know, I’ve just finished work and kinda wanted to sit down and just chill out.”

It goes on a bit like this for a further 15 minutes before my mask begins to slip. I can’t hide my boredom any longer, especially since he starts to ask me a succession of the world’s most boring questions ever, and each time I answer he responds with: “Huh?”

I assume this means he wants me to repeat myself but he says it like a big fat dumbass. Like this:





I now want to strike him sternly across his mouth. Eventually I ask “Why do you grunt after everything I say? Am I not speaking clearly enough?”

He responds: “Oh I’m really bad around background noise.”

We’re in a pub, not Amnesia in Ibiza.

I’m now radiating hatred and am actually physically shuddering every time he continues to grunt.

I decide to try a new mini experiment. He asks a question, I answer, he grunts in order for me to repeat. But now I won’t. After a few seconds silence he responds. This proves he’s heard all along.

His bars face to face consist of this type of thing: “What were you like at school?”

I’m like: “I was just cool…” then I fumble for my e-cigarette and say “I need to smoke this…”

Lab Rat: “I can see you have ADHD…”

LIG: “Sorry?”

Lab Rat: “ADHD. You clearly have that?”

LIG: “Are you diagnosing me?”

Lab Rat: “Well I’m not a doctor but I like to study people. Sometimes I go up to people in the street if I find them interesting…”

LIG: “What, strangers? God I’d tell you to fck off and think you’re a creep.”

Lab Rat: “Yeah sometimes people do, but I like to just talk to people.”

LIG: “So you’ve really just told me I have ADHD. Erm… Would you like to expand on that?” *Said with death stare. 

Lab Rat: “Well I mean you’d have to get a professional. I just meant because of what you do as a job and that you can’t sit still, you needed your e-cig.” 

This “nice” guy is a fckin psychopath. I don’t want to be here so I finish up my drink and make sure my friend is in the pub around the corner.

She replies she has just got there, so after 45 minutes, which to be honest is impressive I’ve lasted that long, I read my text and say: “Sorry I’ve got to go.”

And my ADHD ass gets the fck outta there. 


What have I learned from meeting up with a nice guy lab rat?

1. Nice doesn’t mean normal.

2. Nice sometimes means creep and boring. 

3. Never psychologically diagnose somebody in a pub. You will come across as a cunt. 

Also, just to stress I don’t have ADHD. But I kinda wish I did since I know someone with ADHD and I just think he is the coolest, most fascinating and interesting person I have ever met. I hail him as a hero of mine and all my friends know I adore him, and I’ve been heard saying I wish I was like him. So in a way, I’ve managed to not be utterly offended by my diagnosis from a stranger, because if it means that dick views me in the same light as I view my hero, then that’s cool. But actually, I didn’t even remotely try to charm him so I don’t why he diagnosed me as that. Maybe it was a chat up line. Tbh it was a far better one than his suggestion of a park gelato and a fckin strut. Wanker.