The good, the bad, and the douche bag

Birthdays are a great opportunity for people you hate to come out of the woodwork and make you hate them again.

Recently it was my birthday, so I spent a whole week where everything was just about me. Most would say that this was much like other weeks really, but you know what? Fuck ‘em.

I’m sure nobody wants to hear about my birthday antics, plus I don’t remember many of them, so I’d rather talk today about birthday assholes and the woodwork they emerge from.

Who cares and who doesn’t

I once had this friend I totally adored, but a while back when it was another mutual friend’s birthday I texted the friend and said: “Do you want to come out as I will be attending?”

And they didn’t even open it, much less read it. This is obviously rude af. I mean, srsly, just message and say no, but thanks.

The reason they did this is because they are constantly getting boyfriends who then proceed to fck them over. I point this out to them, and some people simply can’t handle the truth, which is sad. So instead, what they’ve done is eradicate me from their life, which is chic af.

Sheer ruthlessness is pretty cool, but obviously this person is now dead to me. Nonetheless, every couple of months when someone asks me about them I get really livid, call them some profanities and then say: “I really like them, it’s so shit.” and then I stop talking about them because I don’t do things that annoy me; it will make me fat.

We haven’t spoken in the whole of 2017, but this person used my day of birth to contact me. I said thank you and we never spoke again. This person doesn’t like me, they’ve ignored me for seven months, so why on my birthday message me? You’ve had zero interest in my life, I could have been dead, or worse; fat or pregnant. You don’t know anything about me so why do that? It’s stupid. But this was not to be the only one…

They all came out today

Some two bob pop star I mentioned in blogs from three years ago who went weird af was up next. It was strange, because at the time three years back he benched me. I was livid. He went from daily texts to monthly texts, and so I blocked him.

He’s extremely self-involved so quite how he knew someone other than himself had been born on a certain day is beyond me. But he dropped his little text mid-afternoon. Maybe he was just being nice, but when someone is that confusing as a person it’s hard to imagine they’re simply just being nice. He doesn’t actually give a fck about me so why message? It just seems like an odd thing to do. Wtf do you want?

The footballer, the God-like one (fck the others, those ones suck). Well now this guy liked a picture on my Facebook on the evening of my birthday. So if he had been on my Facebook he would clearly have seen it was my birthday, since I said it in the damn picture he liked.

Plus, 567 people wrote on my wall, but he has never been the brightest. My birthday came and went and he never messaged, then the next day I did an indirect on my WhatsApp stories. Since he’s the only one that watches them, and that’s the only reason I do them, he knew it was for him. It wasn’t very subtle, so he replied to that with… “Your birthday?”

Oh well done, the guy knew it was my damn birthday, it’s just all his brains are in his member and I presume upon seeing the indirect he panicked, since you don’t want to upset the bench do you? When he comes home he’s going to need me. It’s quite pathetic that I dropped an indirect but I’m a freak. At least he messaged!

But really, they’re all gross. This brings me to…

Hat Guy

Hat Guy sent me a screen shot of a picture of me from my Instagram WITHOUT LIKING IT. Wtf, Hat Guy? You didn’t like it but you’ve added it to your camera roll? You fckin psycho. Anyway he sent me it with the words: “Happy Birthday sexy.”

Which I just ignored. He didn’t ring, he didn’t try and see me. He really is the worst.

Ratey, on the other hand, has now started calling me; not even texting me, but actual calls. He came into central London on one of the nights I was out there, but he was really weird. I can’t even be bothered to blog about it, I realised I just wasn’t that into him. Plus, he’s about 10.

So they all suck and it’s cute you can wait for an occasion to send your little olive branches or whatever it is you’re doing, but as I will stress for the fckteenth time: If you do not like somebody, if you do not care about somebody, leave them the fck alone to continue with their life.

Fck the games, just leave them be. It’s just not normal behaviour. But if you are trying to start a little something with that message, well then tell them. Can we all just be a little bit cooler here?

It’s only ever a problem if you make it one…