Google It

Having briefly mentioned yesterday that I like my last Google searches to all be of my own name (maybe I said it as a joke, maybe I didn’t), it totally inspired me to discuss it.

Would you be embarrassed by your last Google search?

That’s legit my 4th fave question to ask. Last time I asked it was in some changing rooms. A bird had discharged a set of faeces on my friend Al, so I marched him to the nearest store to buy some skinny jeans. Not as a commiseration or congratulations, just because the winged creature had targeted his big, flared jeans. No manners, but what a critic.

Not Skinny Enough, Al

He just wasn’t wearing skinny enough jeans and it had been something that had been annoying me for years. I know deep down he was nervous about the skinny jean because he owns an above average penis, but I managed to get him into some. He looks 84% sexier than before. It’s whatever, it’s what I do.

Spend some time with me I will up your style and cred by anything over 67% and you won’t even realise it’s happening.

Skinny jeans

Anyway the sales assistant was totally into Al, so I purposely wanted to be as embarrassing as possible and I needed a better way than the simple “a bird targeted my friend” statement, which she probably hears all the time. So I asked him as loud as possible if I was to look at his last Googles, would he be embarrassed? He’s a great guy is Al, and instantly said “Yes.”

The answer with me would most certainly also be yes. I would imagine for most people it would be yes. Except mums. They Google stuff like:

“Who is the man in my phone that keeps saying “Hello Lisa” and “Sorry I didn’t hear that”?”

Or

“How soon after getting a Life Insurance policy is a husband’s disappearance suspicious?”

Or things like:

“How do you make smiley faces on texts?”

“What does idgaf, stfu, Icd mean?” Etc etc…

Though some would say having to Google such things is also somewhat embarrassing.

A fun thing to do

I thought a fun thing to do would be to think of embarrassing things one might Google.

I know a girl who knows a girl who asked Google “how do I get back my ex?”

After hearing that I no longer know a girl who knows a girl who did that. I simply will not tolerate such tragic behaviour.

Here are some of the worst autocompletes I’ve seen on other people’s computers/phones:

“Do McDonalds deliver?”

Yeah they deliver. They deliver you to singletown. In your pyjamas, wearing Ugg boots for serious.

“I hate you”

But you don’t know me. So you could always hate me more…

“How does a three and some work?”

I do believe if you want to take part in a ménage-a-trois it would be best to be prepared. But if you are confident enough to participate in it in the first place, why not just go all in and see what happens. If you wanna stick something somewhere, just do it. Google doesn’t need to tell you that.

*Side note: If you have to Google any sex-based information after the age of 25 you’re probably never going to get good at it. Seriously, just watch some porn and learn from that like the rest of us. (***sigh*** – ed) 

“Is my iPhone broken I’m not getting any texts?”

No it’s not, you’re just not too popular. Although I once Googled: “I tried to have sex with a guy and he ignored it. Am I ugly?”

Google said yes. It was a rough day but the truth prevails and I’m thankful to Google for that.

“Cheap crocs”

This is what happens when you wear crocs.

Cheap anything for that matter. If you’ve ever Googled where to buy something as fckin repellant as Crocs, leave LostItGirl now. We don’t welcome your kind around here.

“All Saints”

"What time you gonna pick the kids up from school Nicole?" "I ain't, Liam's doing it." "Some Might Say he was a good husband." "Yeah but he got another bird pregnant." "Yeah, so you gonna get back with him when this all goes tits up?" "Definitely, Maybe."

“What time you gonna pick the kids up from school Nicole?”
“I ain’t, Liam’s doing it.” “Some Might Say he was a good husband.” “Yeah but he got another bird pregnant.”
“Yeah, so you gonna get back with him when this all goes tits up?”
“Definitely, Maybe.”

I’ve been totally confused as to how a 90’s girl band are in the charts, but as older versions of their quite unattractive selves. But yeah, there they are – all writhing around like they are still 20 in teen clothes. I mean it’s just a five minute thing here in the UK, I know that. But it’s still pretty weird. I get nostalgia, I really do. I often reminisce of this really great day me and Ursula my dog had, or this guy I was super-obsessed with, or a really great outfit. I think about it, and then I move on. If those things were a music album I wouldn’t “add to basket”, you know what I’m saying? Shame on you if you’ve had anything to do with this.

“I’ve got a headache am I dying?”

Google will always tell you you’re going to die. I’m a bit of a hypocrite here to be honest. Because anything that’s wrong with me (and it’s usually just a hangover), I instantly Google before swiftly being told I’m likely to pass away. I’ve had to stop myself from Googling things wrong with me. A few months ago I accidentally ate something mouldy and a forum said “You will die.” And put this emoji: ?

I had a full on meltdown that included six people having to reassure me. It was a really stressful time for me and I’ve never Googled anything to do with illness since.

LOSTITGIRL GOOGLERS ARE THE BEST

Part of our stats show us the search terms that people type into Google which lead them to come to our site. Some of them are funny, all of them are fcked up. It’s what you’d expect. Here are some of the highlights:

  • She got fat 2016
  • How to make girl moan
  • When can I text a guy
  • How to do a fuck
  • Kanye West thumbs up
  • Vagina snapchat
  • Ways of fck
  • Massive body hair
  • Pubic hair on your head
  • Massive handbags
  • Bootsass
  • Massive dick
  • Happiness is laughing hell
  • Ed Sheeran penis photo

We could go on, but you get the picture. Many of these searches were not made in Western countries, which is weird. But hey, whatever gets you out there.

Anyway if your last Google was:

“how many calories in ‘shrooms?”

“lostitgirl”

“can you get thrush from skin tight leather pants?”

You’re my kind of girl and welcome here at anytime.

Happy internetting.

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