Have I told you about my ex?

“Have I told you about my ex?”

No, you haven’t. And also – I don’t care.

This guy I’ve been chatting to recently has been going on and on and on about exes, and girls that message him, and just basically any girl that isn’t me. It has been rather trying. But, as always, people’s irrational behaviour can always bring out a blog in me.

One thing we can all agree on is that we all have exes. A few that probably fcked you up, a few you probably hate, a few you probably fcked up and thus hate you etc etc…

But it’s safe to say as adults, we don’t come out of a cellophane box like a brand new Barbie or Ken. 

For me, upon entering a new relationship, I have precisely zero interest in their history. I will literally ask exactly nothing about their exes. “How many people have slept in this bed before me?” is something I won’t allow myself to even think, much less ask. I’ve always been that way. It just simply holds no interest for me. And certainly as one gets older you realise what you’re going to do tomorrow is far more exciting than what you did yesterday.

Ex-traordinary

In some of my relationships, exes have been forced upon me. Those damn exes that just cannot leave with any dignity and stay away, eugh. You know the ones – they have to make their presence known to the new beau. Quite why this is, we will literally never know. 

All of my ex boyfs’ new partners are beyond lucky, and they should actually be trying to find me on social media to thank me for: 

A) Making their new found love a complete badass.

B) Teaching them how to be super chic in bed.

C) Leaving them alone to get the fck on with it. 

Once I’ve split up with someone I am more ghost than Casper, but also less friendly. My interest level drops to beyond zero. Blocked on all forms of communication and never to be heard from again. I am the model ex.

Life and relationships would be so much easier if more people could adopt this approach. 

Sadly, we can’t control the exes, but what we can control is your new found love.

Standing in the way of control

So basically, when entering the relationship, make like me and no matter how curious you are, ask nothing. How will it serve you well? How will it prosper your new relationship knowing about the ex? It won’t. Disregard anything prior to you, it’s irrelevant. 

What if she’s hotter? What if (and God forbid) she’s fat? These things will only cause you problems further down the line. What if his ex was a porn star? Highly unlikely, unless you’re dating a complete desperado jerk, but either way nothing about their past will prosper you. It will only hinder the new relationship.

Some guys absolutely love talking about their exes. They like to mention at all times their perfect ex or maybe the one they hated, but let’s be honest, if you hate them that much you wouldn’t even mention them. They like to make little digs about tit size or that time their ex was sooooo fckin hilarious, they shit on the floor from laughing so much. Whatever.

What you have here is major ex issues, and it’s best to leave them to it. The ones that are livid over their ex, well actually they are still in love, so again it’s best to avoid. When someone truly has no impact on your life you simply never ever ever mention them. True story. 

Despite my complete disinterest in hearing about their sappy exes, boys I’m hooking up with still try and probe me for stuff about mine. This freak guy was talking about his exes for two hours. In that time I’d managed to get halfway through a bottle of Jack before he thought he should try to get a couple of hours out of me on my history.

Here’s how that went:

Boy: “Why are you single?”

LIG: “Practicality.” 

Boy: “How many guys have you slept with?”

LIG: “Four.”

Boy: “No, how many really?”

LIG: “Ok, eight… You got me!”

Boy: “Have you ever dated someone rich?”

LIG: “Rich? or called Rich?” 

Boy: “Have you ever been in love?”

LIG: “With my dog, yeah.” 

Boy: “Have you lived with a guy?”

LIG: “Once I lived with my dad. And I’ve allowed guys to come in the house yeah.” 

Boy: “Where have your boyfriends taken you on holiday?”

LIG: “No we can’t go on holiday, I barely know you.” 

Boy: “What’s your longest relationship?”

LIG: “This one.” 

Boy: “How many relationships have you been in?

LIG: “Define relationship. But you know, like in another room. One I’m not in.”

LIG: ***Gets up, takes chewing gum out of mouth, sticks it on guy’s forehead, and leaves.***

Avoid as many questions as you can, as they will be used against you in a court of love further down the line. If someone’s gonna keep talking about exes, show them where the exit is. 

Bye.

XO

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