How (not) to be an Xmas party shitshow

My name is LostItGirl, and it’s gotta mean something. For me, it signifies that I’ve lost ‘it’, whatever ‘it’ is, and also that I’m a girl. These characteristics mean that if you wish to know how not to lose your dignity at the work Xmas party, I am not best placed to advise on that. I don’t tend to lose my shit seasonally, I’ll do it on a weekly basis. However, while I can’t help with dignity preservation around Xmas events, I can certainly help with how to deal with the aftermath…

Rule #1

First of all. Don’t go.

Rule #2

If that’s not possible, then do go. But go safe in the knowledge that you will drink too much and do most of the things in this list.

Rule #3

Dance around like a hoe whilst lifting up your skirt to show your pants like you’re a grandmother. This is what my friend did at her one last week and she’s still on day four of the fear.

Rule #4

Find a non-hot guy totally fckable…and probably fck him. Who cares? It’s good to give to those less fortunate at this time of the year.

Rule #5

Walk home alone crying.

Rule #6

Fall over.

Rule #7

Have an eyelash attached to your eyebrow for all of/most of the evening. If you do wear fake ones, then ffs stick them down properly before you get pissed…

Rule #8

Break something, for example a shoe, a bone, a phone.

Rule #9

Harass the DJ (please don’t do this really. This is worse than posting Anthrax in the mail).

Rule #10

Think you’re Britney Spears. And the chances are, you totally are; it’s just you’re not the super hot one from the 2006 Toxic video.

It’s all good

We’ve all done these things at the Xmas party, and tbh it’s fine.

The fear will follow, which is the worst, but when it hits remember this:

Nothing you did while white girl wasted counts. Drunk you is turned up by 100 and not the real you, so it can’t possibly count.

If you told someone some home truths about themselves, good. They probably needed to hear it because after all, a drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. Stand by drunk you calling the office bedwetter a creepy little prick. Sure, it’s mean and might hurt his feelings, but it’s how you feel, and your feelings are important also.

Stripping. Honestly being naked is so freeing. Sometimes we don’t wish to be bound by the constraints clothes place upon us. And if that underwear set cost you a week’s wages, good. Show it off. And if you’re wearing spanks? Well, duh… The name suggests you take them off and run around demanding people spank your derrière. So it’s their fault. 

Anyone who tells you about your drunken behaviour is a fckin monster and you are SO better off without them in your life because that is a major NO of friendship and they’ve done you a favour because now you can never speak to them again. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life.

So you had a little cry? My therapist said it’s good for you (although they might have been telling me that so I talked less? Unclear), but either way you will lose water weight and wake up skinnier.

And honestly. girls can cry over breaking the handle of a Disney princess mug. You probably just wanted attention and crying is a great way to guarantee you get it. Well done!

When you inevitably wake up with the full on fear, know that so too is everyone else. Everyone except Jane, because Jane was sober. It’s always a Jane. But you’re not alone in all of this. Whilst you were slut dropping thinking you were Cardi b, someone else was throwing up in the sink or sucking off the “company director” who later turned out to be Mike from facilities. You’d find this out the next day when he was in the ladies unclogging the clogged sink. 

Go have fun! You’ll never walk (the walk of shame) alone.