How to be a better troll

Hey trolls!

Omg I LOVE trolls. They are the best. If you’re not regularly getting trolled, you’re probably not very cool/good at anything.

If I have a two-month period of not getting trolled I start to think I’m doing something WRONG.

If you’re getting trolled, you know you’re doing something right.

Nobody’s trolled me to my face about the blog yet, which is disappointing. Maybe it means my blog is shit??

Mostly I get trolled because of the radio.

Troll copy

Now I had quite an interesting troll period for a while. The naughty culprit was an older lady who I’ve not met, but who works on an imaginary radio station with two listeners and doesn’t get paid.

Obviously she would love to work on a hugely successful radio station, but sadly this just isn’t her journey.

It would appear she carries around a lot of anger and bitterness because of this, and I have no idea why she picked me as her victim. But she created a whole fake person and life and Twitter account purely to troll me. It was everything to me.

It was brilliant. Me and my friends were obsessed with it. It was SO fun.

Here’s some of the mental things she did:

She found a tweet from three years ago of someone saying I suck and she favourited it. It was three years old. The effort that went into this is striking. I’m a huge fan of this level of commitment.

Troll Lolz

She photoshopped pictures of me and made me fat and in another gave me a huge big forehead. We’re still unclear about this one, but hey it’s again more time, effort and commitment, so that’s pretty cool.

I loved it, she abused me for everything I did. For having a belly piercing, for saying the word ‘chic’, for wearing big sunglasses, for talking about the Kardashians, for breathing….

She was so livid, so fuming that it was tremendous. We knew who she was because she went to no effort to even hide her trolling. She may as well have cut out making a fake account and done it from hers. But whatever, she’s the troll and I’m sure she has her reasons.

It was a great period, it gave me such an ego boost. Someone going to that much effort for little old me??? I’m blushing now. It’s so flattering. She’s probably reading this now, so if you are: Troll babes I miss you, start it up again will you?

Anyway that was an exceptional trolling case. My favourite one.

Troll

But the regular, normal trolling I get doesn’t occur that often. As I said, this makes me paranoid, believe me when I say it is always better to be talked about than not. No matter in what capacity.

If you can get a human being you’ve never ever even met all up in their feelings, you are awesome.

Here’s the kind of trolling things I get:

Most recently somebody wanted to shoot themselves in the face because I said ‘loves it’.

Naturally I then said ‘loves it’ as much as I possibly could. I gave her a little mention on the radio and thanked her for her female support, “it’s always nice when girls stick together,” she immediately ghost posted. It’s such a shame when people don’t stick with their convictions. We always say deletion is a crime. Everyone knows it. As a troll, one who is hoping for credibility long-term, you simply must stand by your beliefs.

Even if you chose the wrong person and you got ended rather embarrassingly in front of a substantial audience, stick with it, don’t ghost it. It’s just a real shame. We always screen munch the troll ones anyway so we can laugh at Christmas dinner around the table, when a portion of our day is dedicated to social media misfits. We do impressions while reading them aloud. It’s pretty funny, you have to be there, and you never will.

I always favourite and reply to every troll tweet I get. They’ve taken time out of their day to message me, it would be so rude to ignore it. I’m nothing if not polite. But then what happens? They immediately backtrack or ghost post.

Troll

I’ve had someone tell me they hate me. This seems dramatic, but emotions are emotions. Side note: I’ve never met this person but they seemed to have rather a large amount of disdain for me and Lunch Money Lewis. Google him. I played his song and I ruined their day.

If I’m honest I wanted to tell you more of my troll tales. But it’s not that regular, and as much as I enjoy them at the time, I stupidly immediately forget them.

I guess it’s probably because I just continue on with my life, where my head is totally on a different planet (everyone looks like Britney and everything’s made out of clothes) and it’s instantly forgotten and no longer has an effect on my life.

The main thing to take from life is that you simply can’t win ’em all. Not everybody’s going to like you. You’ll find most people who don’t like you will generally just ignore you so you’ll never know. People that go to extent of telling you they don’t like you secretly love you/have feelings for you/want to be you. It’s great.

But don’t be the troll, it’s not such a strong look.

And if you get trolled, look to James Blunt for inspiration. He’s amazing.

James Blunt Troll

Share: