How to do a morning like a princess

Recently I was reading about how an actual princess, a real one, not even a Disney one, does a morning. It’s so chic, so I thought I’d share it with you.

First off, in order for us to live like princesses we have to quit our jobs (if we have them), take up smoking (if you don’t already) and become an alcoholic.

When I put this blog idea to my team they suggested the title should be: “How to ruin someone’s life” but I don’t really know what they meant by that. Obviously we all want to be a princess, it’s kind of programmed into us from a pretty young age, and there’s nothing wrong with that; alas, a fantasy is nothing more than just that.

I went through a phase of only wanting to fck a prince but there was only two on offer at the time, and one was bald, while the other wasn’t allowed to fck anyone English, so I soon gave up and realised my journey was not to include being a princess, which is a fckin shame because looking at how this princess lived I’d have been really fckin great at it.

So we have a lie in, obvs. At 9am we have breakfast, which is gross (although my new trainer has now put me on a high protein breakfast diet I hate both eating and protein, so I’m just swallowing one hard-boiled egg whole every morning also, I’m really not joking). Then we spend two hours in bed listening to the radio and we get to read the papers. I don’t know what they mean by that, but since it’s 2017 we can just read Twitter. All of this is done whilst chain smoking.

Worryingly we have to get rid of the floordrobe because as a princess we do not wear anything unclean so there’ll be no chucking on yesterday’s jeans as you rush out of the house.

We shower and dress and then at 12:30 off we pop downstairs to get pissed. Then we stress eat and get even more pissed. After that the story ends because it was just about how a princess spends her morning. But given how she starts the day I can pretty much guess the rest:

1pm: Text your ex to tell him he’s stupid.

1:15pm: Text your ex to tell him it was a joke and ask wyd?

1:45pm: Get your tits out and send them to a plethora of boys.

2pm: Have a six-hour nap.

8pm: Wake up to no replies on your phone and start drinking again, then go clubbing.

I wish I was a princess.