How to make sure you’ll soon be single and alone

I was just reading an article; an article that made me livid. I mean, it’s not like I was shaking or anything; I tend not to let things with no real effect on my life bother me so much. In truth, I wasn’t so much livid, more just sad for it all.

The article was all about how psycho girls go over what their boyfriends do on Instagram when they’re in a relationship, and I would now like to dissect it. So here goes:

Don’t look

Why are you looking at what he’s looking at? As the old adage goes: what you don’t know can’t hurt you. Therefore, quite simply, don’t know it. It’s not that deep.

So your boyfriend is liking pictures of hot babes? Call the cops. Did you know he also sneaks off to the toilet to have a five minute session on YouPorn or whatever every night while you’re sat watching Eastenders? So what? They’re just admiring something. What, do you think that suddenly the hot model is gonna inbox him and say: “Thanks for liking my picture! Out of the 1 million likes I had yours really stuck out. Let us now fck.”?

Nowadays, people like a hot model on Instagram instead of a nice work of art in a museum. It’s basically the same. Like for like. 

Why aren’t you liking pictures of hot babes on Instagram? Everyone else is. And while you’re there, why aren’t you liking pictures of hot dudes?


Never ever do what this girl did. Going on his Instagram and following cat accounts so hot babes don’t come up in his feed. Has that girl read that back? She seems proud. It’s not fckin genius at all, it’s terrifying. You really shouldn’t be with someone you want to control that much, that’s not love. 

Pass me by

Why do you have his passcode? Are you his mum and is he 10? Back in the day when phones didn’t have passcodes, I would go to town on my boyfriends’ phones. It was there, it was easy, but I can tell you I never ever found anything I liked. Rather, quite the opposite.

But those days are gone now, and we don’t need to erase our call lists or search history since nobody can see it anymore. Demanding his passcode is, again, not to be perceived as real love – because you’re not letting him live. You’re attempting to control him, dictate what he does, and basically make him your slave. And also, he’s only going to hide EVERYTHING from you now even more than he would’ve, and he’ll be far more determined to do something because you are such a fckin trident. You’re really only playing yourself there. 

Ok, I’m no longer upset about that article and I feel better now. These women must be so sad and so worried all the time, and just so neurotically crazy. When they’re 40 and alone they’ll wish they’d found LostItGirl sooner – although by then it will of course be LostItWoman, or LostItGrandmother – it’s whatever. 

I’m out…