How to prepare for a holiday

I totally forgot until yesterday that I’m having a week away in Dubai next week. I literally completely forgot. It’s not entirely true, as I definitely knew soon I would be in warmer climes with nothing to think or worry about for one whole week, I just thought it was weeks away. Turns out it’s five days away. (Oh, cool story bro – ed).

I don’t need to plan months in advance like some people, people who wet the bed/are boring, for example. I don’t even need to plan weeks in advance. I basically take my whole life over to Dubai, so it’s just a matter of throwing 40% of what I own into cases, closing these cases and then leaving.

But this time I am way more unprepared than usual, what with forgetting and all. So I thought together we could write a list of things we must do in advance of holidays. A handy guide for preparation for the forgetful.

Things to do

 1. Book the holiday

Seems obvious, but you should definitely pick a destination and pay someone to take you there and put you up there before you start planning for what you need to take there.

People who go on holiday are really fckin C O O L.

2. Beauty regime

Pedicure, hair removal, haircut, facial and bullet hole bleaching. All to be done as close to flight as possible/on the day if you can (sadly I can’t).

Waxing is fun to watch.

3. Summerbod 2016

Starve yourself, like duh.

Nah, you’re alright.

4. Pack clothing and accessories

Count the days you are away, double it, and that’s the minimum amount of bikinis, day outfits, night outfits, backup outfits, shoes, hats, sunglasses and condoms you’ll need. I just roughly count the days I’m away and go for about 20 of each. Put all this in a case/cases.

Sunglasses are good because they can protect your eyes from harmful UV rays.

5. Text country bone

Send a text to your boyfriend in the country you are visiting to alert him of your impending visit. Sadly my Dubai boyfriend dumped me on my last visit by getting a girlfriend, whatever. But that’s ok, I can just find a new one.

You can hook up with a bone on the beach.

6. Find your passport and pack it somewhere

Get your passport out of the safe you keep it locked in so nobody including you can stumble across your real age.

If you do manage to forget your passport, just trash the place. Nobody minds.

7. Go sunbed

Have a base tan. Which basically means go on a sun bed. It’s important to get so tanned you could die.

Sunburn is rad and makes people know you have been on the holiday of your lifetime.

8. Get informed

Find out from the person that booked your flight when it is and where it is. I’m lucky because Mike, my PA, organises all my continental travel and sends me a text reminding me of which airport on the day. There’s two airports in London you know, it’s anybody’s guess which one I’d end up in. Don’t get caught out by that.

When you’re on the plane it’s very important that you put your own comfort ahead of others.

9. Save Paper

Do not print off any tickets or boarding passes you asshole. It’s really not ok to be that organised. Leave all things like that well alone, but if you must because you’re like OCD or something, then at least do not keep them somewhere safe or neat. There was only one time I ever pre-printed off shit like that, and by the time I got to the airport it was covered in lipgloss, and loose tobacco from the bottom of my bag had stuck to it. Personally I found it to look like art. Was chic. Airline didn’t agree.

When you get caught smuggling contraband, just be honest. Nobody minds anyway.

Anyway this should do for now. I’ve done none of this so I’ll crack on with these tasks across the next four days. So fun.