I don’t like you because my brother doesn’t like you

Oh dear, I’ve recently noticed a trend. Quite how it’s taken me so long is a mystery, but the dawn of realisation that I’m very influenced by my brothers’ opinions when it comes to men has hit home. I say brothers, but only one is my brother, the other one is cooler than my brother and I wish he was my brother, but I’ll call them both my brothers for the purpose of this exercise.

They’ve actually put me off two guys in the last few months just from solitary comments. What a shame, a shame for the guys. They’ve put in all this hard graft on me, and unbeknown to them my brothers can make one throwaway comment and it’s game over.

This one guy took me out on a date, he was a total gentleman, paid for everything and scored major date points. I was likely to hang out with him again, until my real brother screen shot a picture of him he found on the internet and sent it to me with the caption “I have no words.”

That was all I needed to swiftly never reply to any of the poor guy’s texts ever again.

The next time was courtesy of my friend who is basically my brother. He fills the purpose as he is very similar in his way of dealing with me, and plus I see him every day so he gets to hear all my shit in full HD mad panning Dolby surround sound.

I told him about a guy who had slid into my DM’s and we proceeded to check out his Facebook, something I’d not yet done. One bad outfit and a goofy pose later… He was swiftly being ignored too. Sorry fellas, my big brothers don’t like you. They pointed out a couple things and my interest level reached below zero. Real quick.

On both those occasions it was solely their comments that put me off. Up until that I was willing to give them a chance. It’s not the first time, and it won’t be the last, it’s just those two are the most recent.

How easy it is to be put off someone… My actual brother has thrown countless girls into the bin for what he perceives as off putting traits. Here are some examples:

Her dog which slept in her bed.

She didn’t know who Richard Branson was.

She couldn’t spell properly.

She talked too much.

She listened to Amy Winehouse at every given opportunity.

She didn’t talk enough.

The criteria is pretty specific to get his interest.

I do get put off easily

I was once put off by a guy helping himself to a glass of water round my house. I know it seems harsh, but pal, you don’t live here. You’re not my boyfriend, you’re a guest. Fckin ask.

Getting their feet under the table too soon is unacceptable.

Here’s some very simple things that can quickly put you off someone, based on true stories/future stories/made up stories:

Shit jokes

Obviously for me, it only takes one lame dad joke for my vagina to order an Uber out of there.

Having and using a Facebook account

It’s repugnant.

Talking about food

This includes calling oneself a foodie and uploading pictures of food on Instagram. Also saying “nom nom” = vom vom

Check shirts

It’s my blog not yours, and I just can’t deal with a checkered shirt, ok? That or Diamantes on any form of clothing. Wait, this is a whole other blog… Basically, shit clothes in general will see me running.

Wanting a drawer round your house for their bits

Omg I die, but does that actually happen or is it just a myth?

Bad underwear

Keep it all black lads.

The over use of emojis

You know, I was put off a two-bob pop star because he added three emojis at the end of a text and one was a Christmas tree. It was November. Psycho.

A bad winter coat

How can you look cute in Autumn but come winter you put on a puffer jacket and leave the house thinking that’s ok?

Long finger nails

Although actually I wouldn’t even consider a guy with long fingernails so it doesn’t really count.

Pulling goofy faces/sticking their tongue out on the regular

T W A T

I hate that when a guy pokes his tongue out or contorts his face in to some kind of “I’m so fun” pose. Well I just have to dump them.

Scream singing to a really shit song

I’m out. Music choice has been killing off relationships since Meatloaf. (Meatloaf is cool af you sad act – ed)

Using a snapchat filter

A guy putting butterflies round his head and pouting = “I’ve changed my number”

These are really terribly minor things, but sometimes that’s all it takes. I don’t make the rules and I sure as shit don’t follow them either.

It simply just doesn’t take much to make me run a clean mile. And all evidence would suggest I’m not alone, am I?

XO

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