I’m getting a Facebook

My new management team are…… And this is so hard for me to say, they are making me get a Facebook. An actual Facebook. Otherwise known as:

  • Sadbook
  • Negbook
  • Borebook
  • I’ve had a baby book
  • Blogbook

Many years ago, I had a Facebook and I was literally hilarious on it. Idgaf how that sounds, I am extremely self-deprecating but when it comes to the truth, I deal in it. And it was just a fact I was super popular on Facebook.

Ruiner

But then this guy who I had a three-month fling or whatever with, decided to document and imprint everything about me all over Facebook. I mean he would just tag knowing me!! He literally tagged away and blogged everything I said and did and wore with recklessly gay abandon. It was super fckin cringe.

“I documented you going to the toilet.”

Firstly, how many times must I tell people to never document a relationship on social. You will end up looking a dick, and trust me he did. Never do it. And secondly, come on son do you have to imprint on me so publicly? You’re putting off my other boyfriends. The damage control I had to do with my other boyfriends was monumental. I mean this weird guy even wanted to go Facebook official ? that’s when it had to end.

Going back and removing all evidence would have been a long and boring task and I didn’t have an intern at the time. So the best thing to do was delete the whole fckin page and that sad man from my life simultaneously.

And that’s what I did.

Having removed that weird guy and my Facebook page, suddenly my life took a new turn. I was still LostItGirl, sure, but my chicness, mental health and zen went from 0-100 real quick. It was so liberating.

There’s really no need…

I didn’t feel sorry for the people I went to school with anymore, I didn’t cringe at my mum and her friends talking to each other as if it wasn’t public, Candy Crush became a distant memory, nobody wanted to play it with me anymore. I still to this day have never played it and I don’t miss the notifications. I do however miss all birthdays and social occasions. I like that part. The red notifications on your birthday are fun. Maybe not yours, but mine.

The only one I know

Not everyone’s like me, in fact I often felt at times I was the only person in the world apart from my dog Ursula Britney that didn’t have a Facebook. But I had one thing everyone else didn’t: A clear healthy mind.

Anyway that’s over now. According to popular culture statistics and data, people still love Facebook. Sure you have Instagram and Twitter, but nothing has over taken Mark Zuccerwhatever’s nerd book dream.

So off to Facebook I go, as ordered by management. Hey, if it’s gonna help grow my bank balance I’ll go on Facebook, hell I’ll fire up a MySpace and Bebo if they think it will help and I’ll do the LOT standing on my head if I must.

I am mildly anxious over it. Firstly I don’t know how to work it, but I’m not a complete moron so I’m sure I’ll work that out. Secondly I’m only on it part time, I’ll do some stuff on it but mostly my management will, it was part of the deal.

Facebook Rules

I’ve made up some tips for surviving my Facebook journey though:

Add everyone I know and hate

Mute them

Brag myself silly

Link to LostItGirl so I get even more hits and free stuff

Keep relationship status to single at all times

Collect a group of hot guys into a group and shamelessly show them non-stop bikini shots that the rest of the people aren’t privy too

Wait for the dm’s

Add my family members

Mute them

Go on it drunk

Troll people

And you know me, I never look at other people’s profiles or stalk or whatever because I know it is the leading cause of depression, obesity and mental disorders in this country (not scientific fact but should be). I learnt that a time ago, and I did lose weight and gain sanity when I eventually stopped. So I’ve no need to worry about that, I’m fully trained into having interest in myself and myself only.

See you on Facebook soon. Coming soon.

Bye.

Also, talk to me here. Or don’t. But you totally should because it’s anonymous and super fun.

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