Let’s speak of Justin Bieber

Firstly, liking two songs does not a belieber make.

But I thought I would give a quick nod to Justin for his big deal 2015. And as we are here firmly in January and he ain’t going nowhere, why the hell not take our hats off to him?

Yeah are ya? Cool man

Yeah are ya? Cool man

He brought us a couple of amazing songs (courtesy of other people).

Like Jack Ü par examplè. “Where R Ü Now” was a brilliant song by Skrillex and Diplo. In fact I dj’d NYE and as my first song of 2016 I picked it. Followed by The Weeknd and then Calvin “How Deep Is Your Love”, Drake’s “Hotline Bling”… (somewhere tonight in the UK there is a Nappy Night all set to drop exactly the same numbers in the same order – ed) 

(How did it go? – ed) I don’t know, I was there in body but every other part of me was elsewhere. The point being that Jack Ü are hella cool and Biebs was the lucky little vocalist.

Then, courtesy of Ed Sheeran, who is a different league of top talent, he bought us “Love Yourself”, which laughs at all the other over-produced nonsense it’s played next to on radio stations across the world. It literally turns up stark bollock naked with a clean electric guitar (just a touch of bite in the top end – ed), a vocal, a touch of brass in the middle 8, and nothing else, before smoking a cigarette, wiping it’s dick on the curtain then leaving without so much as a “Yeah, about that, see ya!”. The song definitely does not leave its phone number behind.


Basically Ed just shows people that you can make amazing music without a Casio keyboard or whatever bollocks it is people use to make all those weird noises. It really does show up everything it’s played next to with its simplicity. Also, “My mum don’t like you and she likes everyone.” OUCHIES. Hello amazing lyric.

Massive Dick

Anyway Biebs dropped some great songs, and he acted like a prick. Because he is. You can’t take the prick from a prick. But, you know, cut him some slack man, what is he like 14? He has a huge penis and millions of pounds. Who wouldn’t act like a total hootenanny? I really don’t blame him for that.

He’s actually not been that much of a wanker the whole of 2015, which is pretty boring. He has every right to be one. My gosh if I was Biebs I’d have been public enemy number 1 for five years straight. Then I’d probably end up dead by 27.

And as we praise Justin Bieber, let us not forget his penis is huge, which explains everything.

Go on then Biebs my son, slam her

Go on then Biebs my son, slam her

Well done Biebs. But please go back to being a dickweed in 2016. It’s super fun, and if anyone has the right to do it. It’s you.