The lines that could never work

On a recent night out I told a few guys about this dude who was trying it on with me, but who literally just a total creep. So much so, that I wished I’d actually eaten something that day because then I could have thrown up on him. But I hadn’t. So I couldn’t.

As I was telling the story and speaking of the poor lines he was using, one of the guys was like:

“Can you say what chat up lines we should be saying then?”

No. Work it out for yourself. If a girl tells you what you should be saying that’s just cheating.

But then I thought about what works for me. This is how to win me over at a bar or a club:

We see each other, we make eye contact. Maybe a slight smile. Then we both instantly look away and ignore each other for the rest of the night. Sooooo hot.

Then at a much later date in the future just come up and say hi as if you know me or as if you know it’s obvious we’re going to get together. Failing that, just go home having not approached me even once and know that I will be fully in love, but probably won’t ever see you again because this is London and I’m never in the same place twice.

But that’s just me. We are all different.

I like it when people slide into the DM’s. Those work on me, if they’re strong openers. “You’re beautiful” or “Hey sexy” or “I love your blog” are all things I know already, so they don’t work on me.

Blurred Lines

Here are a few examples of not so strong openers that have been submitted by LostItGirl readers. If there are any guys reading, open up with something like any of these and it’s a no, from anyone.

“Me and my brother did a property deal last year, made 200k…” (nods sagely and slow blinks like she should reverence to his business acumen)… “I mean, it didn’t go through in the end… but next time.” (more nodding). My friend who was with me just said to him: “This time next year Rodders we’ll be billionaires…”

Suzy, 24, London

“Hello love, my name’s Brian. I fix fans, not home fans, but industrial ones often found in freight lifts. I get to travel a lot, Hull mostly but I’ve been to London once…”

Sarah, 26, while on holiday in Benidorm

“Hey, can you buy me a drink?” Actually that’s pretty strong if you’re actually mega-rich, but if you mean it because you’ve got a pocket full of 1ps and 2ps, you’re a prick.


After being overlooked on the dance floor for another guy:

“She’s fucking looney tunes, not only can I dance, I earn 22k a year and I’m better looking than him…”

Kelly, 28, Hampshire

“Yep, that’s Astro turf on my lawn…”

Lad hosting a party I was at, I didn’t know him and it was his parent’s house/lawn.

Alex, 28, Manchester

“Who’s your mate?”

All girls, all ages, anywhere

“Wanna dance?”

This is a horrific opener. Especially in bars. Seriously, it’s not the 1920’s.

Priya, 31, London

“I love your hat.”

That’s ok (if I’m wearing one) but if they say that while trying to snatch it off my head it takes everything in me not to strike them. Just no touching full stop.

Hat wearer, 22, Brighton

“Wanna hold my rat?”

I looked round and there was an actual rat in a cage.


“Hey girls!”

Then sitting down at your table. Even if he’s really hot I will instantly turn my back on him and zone the fck out.

Tables of girls minding their own business everywhere

“Are you two sisters?”

Happens a lot with two of my friends. We don’t look anything like each other, it’s just a guy’s warped fantasy I guess. Gross.

Twins, 24, Essex

“My dad used to lock me and my brother in the wardrobe…”

Said mournfully into the distance in a Yates’ Winelodge


“You look like Sonia Jackson…”

Actress, 32, London

Happy chatting up!