Lockdown. Man down.

The behaviour of men during this period of lockdown… I won’t say it’s eclipsed my own, but I have been compiling a case study just to see. We have examples of those who have clearly struggled with being locked in with their significant others, those who either don’t believe in the virus or don’t care, and those who didn’t even know there was anything going on. My subjects will be referred to simply by a number, like the little lab rats they are…

Case Study 1 | The Bolter

Number one must have panicked or died. He lost his position as top social media viewer, only to plummet off the radar entirely. He watched nothing, he posted nothing of his own. It was a month of complete radio silence. He didn’t die though. In month two he began some gentle posts and we had one conversation. I wouldn’t actually call it a conversation. I started it of course, and I even told him as “politely” as I could, that although I know he doesn’t care, “I’m not doing too great.”

He didn’t respond.

Then a couple of weeks ago he reared his ugly-ass head again with some serial watching and a series of random messages asking “how I was” with kisses and shit. There was some form of genuine concern and even some bullshit about how he thinks about me a lot when he works out… Oh, you work out?? Oh you do, do you?!

Then he asked to see me. I declined. And he has since continued to reply to some more stories of mine and has continued to watch with a vengeance.

Conclusion

One can only conclude that he has a wife and so couldn’t freely watch his side-bit’s stories while stuck in the house with her nagging all day. Or perhaps he spent the start of lockdown in a meltdown? I will assume it’s both.

Case study 2 | No fcks given

This one gave zero fcks about the threat of Covid or, indeed, the “rules”. No, he’s not Dominic Cummings. “The renegade”, he wasn’t going to be kept down by nobody. Nothing changed for this guy, weekly he would request my company, and weekly I would decline. He would message but also ring, I would talk with him and pretend I would try and see him but was still working, etc…

So in the end he just invited himself over to mine. I still declined, but fully admired he was moving like absolutely nothing was going on.

The only clue I had that he had paid some sort of attention to the “rules” was that he bought a bicycle, so he could ride to mine. How good of him to ease the strain on the NHS by not using public transport. Noble.

Conclusion

He doesn’t care about Covid, he doesn’t particularly care about me, he just loves fckin – to the point where he will actually buy a rusty bicycle from off of GumTree. Actually one of the more intelligent ones of the case study, despite flouting the rules he has a semblance of intellect and persistence. Not interested though.

Case study 3 | Idiot

This is my favourite one! This guy is so dumb he didn’t even know anything was going on. Classic 3. During my meltdown in the two-week run up to lockdown he was utterly perplexed, couldn’t comprehend why I was so mad. The reason I was, I’m sure you all know… uncertainty with work and life and my family’s health. The usual things we all felt. He had no clue though. Until he did…

Two weeks into lockdown he voicenoted me a warning. It went a little something like this: “Hey so I’ve just spoken to a friend of mine and she’s a nurse for the NHS and she told me this is actually really serious and many people are going to die, up to 20,000! It’s really scary so I just thought I should let you know, so do with that what you will.”

Thanks. I mean, I already knew he was dumb, but fck! May I point out for any international readers, at this point over here they’d built a whole new fckin hospital. Everyone was staying indoors, any basic news story warned of the numbers reaching 20,000. I was dumbfounded. I had to be very careful of my reply since I felt so sorry for him, but I also couldn’t help but laugh.

I’ve been trying out this new thing where instead of laughing at the dumb, I’ve been trying to gently educate them. So I went with a simple: “yeah that’s not privvy to someone working in the NHS, that’s actually out there for everyone (I sent a link to a daily covid update). Everyone is aware of it, I personally worked out the numbers would be very high when they erected a whole new fckin hospital in a matter of days”

He said: “Wow patronising.”

I couldn’t fckin believe this response. He knew the word “patronising” and he even used it in the correct context. He should have read my first few drafts of a response. He continued with how the “group chat were shocked when I told them that.”

And I’m sure they were. Shocked at what a fckin moron you are.

Needless to say after this I didn’t converse with him again. There’s dumbing down and then there’s just scraping the barrel. Which is already empty.

Conclusion

Just a very simple fool. Nothing more, nothing less.

Case Study 4 | The Oddball

I must admit, it was I who texted this one. I was having a weak day on a week day, and just wanted attention. We hadn’t spoken in a while and our last conversation wasn’t great. We had fought and decided not to hang out again. So I wasn’t sure if I would get radio silence. I shouldn’t have doubted myself. He replied within five seconds, all love hearts and shit. He too, like me, was still working, we would speak for a whole night and then he would go off the radar for a week, then come back and we would speak again all night for a couple of days, then silence again.

He had many complaints about me brought over from when we used to hang out. Eventually I had to call him out for his oddness. Turns out none of it was about me or lockdown. He was avoiding me because he had some sort of minor medical problem. It’s not one that affects his ability to speak to me, so it didn’t really explain the talking one day, silence the next, but it did explain his constant weirdness. Guys are weird when they’re ill and think they’re gonna pass away.

Conclusion

Odd behaviour, but not because of corona. His lack of normality stems from something far deeper.

Case Study 5 | Devoid of dignity

This guy I hadn’t even spoken to in like a year. But there he is popping up like a +44 with “hey fancy breaking lockdown?” I didn’t even open it. But that’s okay for him, he doesn’t mind that, because there’s always social media.

He began tagging me in things he thought I would like on social media each week. I will admit I did quite enjoy some of the content, although not all. But hey, it’s cute he’s trying. It’s still not gonna make me break lockdown, it’s not even gonna make me reply.

Conclusion

100% sending out mass mails and tags to every girl he’s ever known, just to find someone willing to break the rules – the rules of corona and logic and reason.

Case Study 6 | Dead

Shout out to all the others who have just completely disappeared. There’s a handful of them. Like, I had this out of work footballer who would regularly send me his dick, which I wouldn’t even open and just let my gay friends look at. Maybe he’s not disappeared because of corona, maybe he’s just taken the hint. We will literally never know.

Conclusion

They’ve caught it – and by “it” I mean the hint that they’re not viable as humans in my world.

To sum up

I talk to/have associated with a bucket full of fckin idiots.

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